Old Timer Story in the 3%

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2004
Old Timer Story in the 3%
4
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 5:49pm
Ladies,

I used to be on this board a long time ago. I had an affair for a couple of years with a guy and yes I was one of the I believe they used to call it 3%. He divorced a couple of years ago, and now we have been together for a total of 6 years. I know you all say hey that is great you are with the man you love so deeply.

Let me tell you it is not great not by a long shot. No, he has not married me. He is with me, and has been totally faithful to me. He lives his life in total guilt over our affair. He blames me, and has even gone so far to tell me that "I ruined his life". Really, I would have to say takes everything in his life out on me. I have a son 11 and he has two girls 18 and 13. He knows my son, and my son loves him very much. He is so guilty about being away from his kids that he will do almost nothing or have very little to do with my son. He says he should not be doing things for him because he is away from his girls. He still runs away to talk to his kids on the phone hides if you will to make sure they never hear us like we are still having an affair. No, he has never introduced me to his kids. He won't do it because he thinks they won't have anything to do with him anymore. He has made two wedding dates with me and cancelled both of them. The second date we had to take the trip to hawaii that was supposed to be my honeymoon because there was so much money paid for the places and tickets. So I had to go on this trip that I knew was supposed to have been my honeymoon. Let me tell you how that hurt.

So we go along day after day, week after week, month after month and I get so angry that he will make another promise he will introduce me and the time comes and goes. He finally spoke to them about meeting me once. The oldest agrees halfway to meet me the younger burst into tears and says no way. He just ask them if it would be okay. So still two years later many promises later I still have not met the kids. I tell him he does not need to ask them just take me to meet them. He says that I want him to lose his children. He goes and stays at their house with them when their Mother goes out of town. He goes over for every holiday and spends it at their house. He gets all gifts jointly with her and pays for most and she takes credit. He does not just go over with them to open gifts and leave he stays hours for Xmas pretty much the entire day is spent there. I am all for having a good relationship with the EX for the sake of the children it is important very important. I deal with the fact he goes there for everything and spends it there. I never get to have any holidays with him because he won't take me around his children. When my son is gone with his Dad I spend all holidays alone. He has taken me to meet his parents and has taken me around them a few times.

He sits in a depression because he has no money. For days and days, he will not even speak to me unless I speak to him. He will get on the phone with everyone else and talks like things are great to everyone but me. He gives her more and more money to the point he has no money to live on. The EX takes every dime she can get out of him. At this point he gives her almost one of the two pay checks a month.



I just want you all to realize it is not a bed of roses if they divorce and come to you. It will be nothing like you think. I am living proof. I get hurt by every day. You ask why do I stay. I stay because I still love him so very much. I have so much time in this all my thirties have almost passed me by waiting for him. He tells me he loves me he just does not know what to do. I guess the other part of me and it is very sad is I am weak.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 10:29pm
I was here a few years ago too, and I believe I remember your story. It's a shame when the guilt just never lets go, isn't it?

Even in my case, where the EMA ended after a few years, I still live with the guilt on a daily basis. Worst part is, I see my X-MM every single day. That certainly doesn't help the healing process either.

All I can do is offer you ]]] and good thoughts that one day soon, your life will come together in a happy way. I know you're living the aftermath of an affair, and we both know that's not any easier than the affair itself.

Just please know that you're not alone, and that my thoughts and prayers are with you. You're a strong lady.

luv/hugs

Scanner
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 7:47am
VZ, I hope you don't mind me asking this -- Did he leave his X-wife for you or for his own reasons?? Did you pressure him in anyway to leave his marriage?? I know a lot of people who leave do leave for the OW/OM.

I am sorry you are going thru all this, it sound so hard. I hope and pray you find the happiness you deserve. Good Luck!

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 8:53am


This is what I often think would be the case with my MM. We have a good relationship and the sex is amazing but we talked about this when we got back together (after 6 weeks apart and missing each other terribly) that we wouldn't break up our families. I could see him feeling this way. He would have to give up a big beautiful home he JUST built and interaction with his three kids (two are girls). When I think about what would be the ultimate happiness for me (being with him on a daily normal basis) it unfortunately would include everything you've had to do and go through. That makes me sad because I know there are somethings that you just can't compete with. She has his children and 15 years. Just can't overcome that.

deedee

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2004
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 9:46am
Yes, he says he did leave to be with me. We split up several times during the times and I told him to stay in his marriage. He took 4 years to get the divorce final. He was extremely unhappy in his marriage and had been for 15 years. He basically had a business relationship and his EX would not even kiss him. He begged me to stay with him until the divorce was final. I did not beg him, I just told him that I was single and I was going on with my life that the relationship had nothing to offer me. He does have such guilt for the affair it is unreal.

Thanks for your reply.