OM and I had long talk....oh dear

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
OM and I had long talk....oh dear
9
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 9:21am
Well Friday night OM and I went out for dinner and drinks. Afterwards, we had a LONG talk. I mean long and about everything. One topic that we spent a considerable amount of time on was my M. OM is single, and he made it quite clear to me friday that if I ever became "available" that he was ready. He even offered to help me with the cost of finding an apartment, etc. We went over details of how to bring up the conversation with H. We cried together. It was totally a bonding experience, but yet, I feel a rift between OM and I now. Because he's struggled with me being married for a long time. He said the hardest thing is that he can't tell his friends and his family about me when he cares about me so much.

I know that right now I'm not being fair to H. But as I've stated before I'm also afraid to leave. I'm trying to get at the heart of my fear. I love OM and I care about my H. I know both men love me very much.

Anyway, I think my H knows something is going on, but doesn't want to face it. Because when he asked where I was all night I said shopping. (I had gone during my lunch break and quickly bought several shirts and some other household items.) H works 2nd shift, and he called my cell phone (which I shut off) and I told him the battery was almost dead. When I said shopping, he asked where, and I told him Wal-mart and a little specialty women's store. He said for 6 hours??? And I said Yeah. I figured I was totally busted. And then H said...OK. OK??? I mean PUHLEASE... He has to know. So then Saturday and Sunday H was like...do you know how much I love you? And just really laying it on thick. I HATE THIS!!

Is anyone going through this?? ANYONE?? I'm afraid I'm going to lose it...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 9:44am
I understand. I was in the same situation with my W and OW at one point. I have progressed since then. I cut off contact with the OW and went into counseling with my W. At that time though, I realized the M wasn't going to be workable and decided I wanted to leave. My situation is even more complicated because my W is pregnant. And I pride myself on being a very good father so I don't want to leave right now. In the interim, the OW and I got back in touch and I have seen her once since then. She lives 300 miles away and is not able to be with me right now anyway. But I do hope to build something with her in the future.

I guess my advice to you would be to take some time apart from both men if you can and really analyze your situation. They both love you, you know this. Your feelings for them seem different right now because one situation is newer and more intense. But I guess I think you need to be careful and analyze what is missing in your M. Is it communication? Affection? Passion? Love? These are all different answers with different ramifications. Marital counseling is also something you should do. If you don't think you can face up to the affair or want it to continue, then at least tell your H you're not happy and you'd like him to go to counseling to work on some things. Hopefully he'll comply. From there you can make a more sound decision on what to do.

Good luck with everything and make sure to take care of you throughout this. Nothing could be more stressful than the end of a M, assuming that is the path this takes. Even if it is the right thing, at times you'll doubt yourself. But if you make the decision from the right place after counseling and careful thought, you can believe in what you're doing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 12:53pm
Omaha..thank you so much for your input. But more on my situation. I asked H for marriage counseling last year BEFORE OM and I became physically involved. Anyway, I've posted what happened with that counselor and how H wouldn't go with me. He has real attitude about counseling. Anyway, I know I should have left him then. But I didn't. As for what's missing in my marriage...i know what it is. I have no respect for H. Not as a man or husband, or even as a friend. None at all. He's so immature all the time and he wears my patience so thin.

When I started going to counseling H and I were fighting a lot about finances, and I finally told him he had to make more money (it's complicated but I was the sole breadwinner in our marriage for a long time, and you can't live very well when your H only makes $6 an hour.) Well, he did. He found a better paying job. Then I complained about our living arrangements. (we were living in a mobile home, and no offense to anyone, but I really DID NOT LIKE THAT STATUS THAT REPRESENTS) so we sold it, and are now in the process of finding a house. (But then I don't want to get financially strapped with a house if I'm going to leave, so I've been dragging my feet.)

I know it's like I have to crap or get off the pot. I'm very wishy-washy. And in my own words...i don't have the heart to hurt H. oh well. thanks for listening. Maybe what i'm looking for is validation. I don't know...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 1:09pm
I see. I didn't realize you had tried to get your H to go to counseling before. I guess it sounds to me like you have already made up your mind. I'm at that point too. No amount of counseling or change from him is likely to change your mind.

I think you should take some time and make your decision. You're right though, you don't want to get involved in buying a house at this point. If you leave though, I still don't think it would be wise to jump right into too serious of a R with your OM. Try to proceed slowly. Again, I wish you luck as I know you have many difficult discussions and decisions ahead. Keep your chin up and stick to your guns.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 2:21pm

bad kitty, i agree with omaha.

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 2:31pm
You are right. You are totally right. That's what OM and I pretty much said on Friday. I know that what you say is true. So why is it so hard to follow through??
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 2:59pm

because it's changing your entire life for the unknown!!

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 8:41am
Gurl...you are so right. Ok. I think I'm really waiting on an argument, or a fight. Something where he is fed up too, you know. I know it's probably me just being a chicken, but I keep waiting for that one argument that goes too far. We've had them before, and I'm sure it's just a matter of time before we have another one. And then maybe he'll see that we aren't that good together or something. In our short marriage, I've already left him once, and he packed his things and almost left me once. So I guess I've known this was inevitable. Just waiting on a good time. Thanks to all for your input, but if anyone else has any advice or comment I'll take it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 9:19am
I understand what you're hoping for. But I want to warn you not to expect it. You're hoping he's going to see what you see. That he'll realize he is unhappy too. I hoped the same thing would happen with my W. Unfortunately, she didn't see the problem and probably never will quite understand. She continues to try to convince me that the issues I have aren't important and that I'm throwing away our M over something insignificant. Of course, this only makes me more determined to leave.

I guess what I'm trying to say is you can't wait for him to want you to leave or keep hoping he'll leave you. If you no longer want to be married to this man, it is time to start the process. Whether that is sitting down and talking with him or just packing and moving, that is up to you. Odds are he'll have a renewed desire to go to counseling and do everything he can to save the marriage. A sense of desperation will factor in. So ultimately you're going to have to be strong. Believe me, I know this isn't easy. But if you believe in what you're doing, it is what you'll have to do. I just don't think your H will just go along.

Good luck and take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 8:47am
Omaha, ok again, I know you are right. I just need to buck up. I guess when enough is enough I'll leave. Or I'll get busted, then he'll really want out. You are very wise...thanks for all your input.