OM Left for Pre Cana Weekend
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OM Left for Pre Cana Weekend
| Fri, 04-16-2004 - 9:22am |
Well, got an e-mail from OM last night. He had been to a baseball game with friends, then home to pack and head out to his fiancee's house (she lives a distance away). She had the day off today, then tonight they start the Pre Cana weekend. Basically he just told me what he was up to, and told me to have a good weekend and that if he didn't talk to me before then he'd talk to me on Monday.
I guess there's nothing for me to do at this point but wait...For all I know, my A is over...this weekend will be hard, but I'm going to try to keep myself busy so I don't sit around and think about it too much. Thanks to everyone here (especially Rain) for your honesty and support. I truly do not know what I would do without this board.
:)
Circe

If I were you I would take the same attitude - that it is over. That way you have a couple days to cry it out and be prepared for when he gets back. Like I told you, pre cana is INTENSE and if you are not happy (he can't be if he is with you) with the relationship it will come out in pre cana.
Then you will be pleasently surprised if he comes back and says the engagement is off!
I'll be thinking of you!
deedee
But I agree, there must be some problem with their relationship for him to be with me. I am open about the problems with my H, but OM has never really discussed any problems in his R. Well, only time will tell I guess.
:)
Circe
Edited 4/24/2004 4:31 pm ET ET by julietsfate
Anyway, when the A first started, I knew OM was engaged. I had already been married for 2 1/2 years, and was already pretty unhappy before OM came along. When I did get married, I had no intentions of cheating. At the time, my H wasn't a problem. I completely understand what you are saying though. He doesn't seem to want to stop being with me, but is doing Pre Cana to please her. It doesn't make sense.
If it weren't for the fact that we are very close friends on top of everything, it would be easier for me to just walk away. He seemed to be telling me the other day that after this weekend the A was over. Maybe he's finally realizing what implications the A has toward his upcoming marriage. Who knows...
Anyway, don't worry about sounding harsh. I really do appreciate your honesty. You have given me a lot to think about here.
:)
Circe
Absolutely... keep yourself busy this weekend. I think you're probably right about all of it, what he's going to do, how things will shake out.
Just my two cents on something you mentioned, not that it matters much since it isn't really about you but the OM.
I don't know how old your OM is, but when I was 19 I was in a *very* similar place. I was engaged to a girl who had a family that was awful, had been raped, was essentially the middle of seven kids and sort of forgotten.... I was definitely trying to save her, I wasn't happy, but I felt I would "kill her" by breaking it off since she clearly loved me so much.
I ran into an OW (yeah, a trend, I know) that I had been friends with a few years, was a year or two older than me, and who while drinking told me she'd always had such a crush. I was younger, shocked, and intimidated by her, but I ended up sharing a few nights with her that remain really, really special. She knew I was engaged and very forwardly asked lots of questions about a future for us, then smartly called it off because I said I couldn't break up with my fiancee because it would crush her. She sweetly told me I was wrong and she hoped she missed the mark but at some point she thought I'd get dumped once I gave this girl enough strength.
And she was absolutely right. A year later I was blown out of the water by this wilting flower of a fiancee who had decided she was ready to stand on her own. My drive to save her ended up causing a huge amount of resentment in her and she couldn't wait to get away. In fifteen or so years of dating, she is the only former lover I do not speak to when we meet and who has made an active effort to speak ill of my when given the chance. She did exactly what the OW said she'd do, in the exact way she told me it would happen.
I don't usually engage in regret much because I think it's a huge waste of emotion, but my biggest regret in life is not taking a chance with someone really great because I thought someone else would die without me. And that has helped shape my decision to leave my W at this point.
Compassion is a very good thing. Kindness in the midst of adversity is a very good thing. But no one saves anyone else, and if either thinks they are... that's a blind spot that sooner or later will be exposed. And you'd be surprised how big a truck will fit into a little blind spot...
Sorry to ramble... guess the bright spark for you, Circe, is that if this doesn't work out between you and the OM then at least you have enjoyed some time with someone but won't have to coach him through any psychological dealings later. Who knows, maybe he looked to you in an unhappy M and thought he was saving you in a way, too. Being a hero is addicting.
Well, this morning's free psych evaluation is over. LOL.
rain
Its not always that people want to be a hero. Take for me example I don't stay with my H to make myself a hero but because I have history with him that not easy to shrug off. He might have not have been very perfect but but was there for me to some extent. I cannot be without acknowledging it.
If I had met you several years ago in Circe's OM's position, I would have said the very same thing to you. You are starting of a new life withh deception and lies - not very good in my opinion. Let me elaborate. The reason I don't have a baby is because of the very same reason. I will not have a baby with a man until I am sure I can create a life without deception and lies. I need to love and be faithful to the father of my child. This my stance. I may not be the perfect candidate to have such a opinion but its mine all the same.
Rain - I will definitely try to keep busy, and try not to think about it too much. I fully expect that once OM returns, things will be different, and although I haven't fully come to accept that yet, I am somewhat prepared. As for OM's fiance', her family situation definitely has made him feel bad. Basically, she has been put in a bad position by a family member, OM feels bad, and he definitely feels that he is "saving" her. Even before I knew the whole story this is the impression that I got about it. Now I do believe that he loves her, but I think some of it may be a feeling of obligation (?). I try not to ask too much about his fiance' and her family. I just feel that it's not my business, and that if he wants to tell me, or needs someone to listen, I am here. And even though the A with me may not be "right", I do think that he is compassionate and kind, if that makes any sense... OM really didn't know how unhappy I was with H until after the A had started, so I am not sure if he feels he is saving me too, or what. But I had never thought about that before. This is just so hard because I feel that above all else we are close friends, and I don't want that to change. I fear that he may not even want that after this weekend, but I hope that my fear is wrong.
Flirty - Thank you so much. I am trying not to dwell on it, because I just become upset, but I guess I have to accept that it may be over. What will happen then? I don't know. But at least it won't be coming out of the blue. And I have my weekend pretty well packed so I don't have a lot of "down time" to think.
Juliet - I agree with you about being your own hero. I have been through some tough times, and I truly think that the only thing that got me through was my inner strength. I would never want someone to "save" me, even though the instinct is just part of some people's human nature. I know I have that instinct, especially with some of my students at school who are underprivileged. I guess the most important thing is to never lose sight of your own inner strength and to believe in yourself first and foremost. And as for OM, I really don't know why he got involved with the A. We were close friends for a while, and it just developed, I guess. Neither of us ever intended or expected it. But I do agree with you about having children, which is why I do not have any yet also. I don't know if I ever will, but with H working the way he does, and the issues in our relationship, I just can't see bringing a child into it at this point. Who knows? Maybe someday things will change with H or I will find someone who is willing to dedicate the time and effort it takes to be a family. Thanks again for your response.
:)
Circe