the OM / OW...who are we

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
the OM / OW...who are we
8
Tue, 11-18-2003 - 4:03pm
I posted this on Ending my Affair but thought it might be neat to hear some opinions of people who are still having an affair....


Ok, now that I've got some time, let me tell you guys a little about myself:

I used to be extremely sweet and then my first encounter with a married man happened.

Almost 9 years ago, I met XMM and was taken immediately but he was a newlywed (married only 1 month) and I was a sweet and innocent 20 year old -- we would meet up whenever he was in town...a year later he disappeared without a trace. It was only sex

Fast forward to November 26, 2001, our paths cross again.....we meet up again, start having sex again. This time around, I'm 28 years old and married to the most incredible man alive but yet I went to another man.

I am the type of woman who cares too much, gives too much and feels too much. For almost 2 years of my life, I wanted to give XMM everything he never had but I couldn't succeed this one time. I am the woman that would drive hours on end to see him, drop everything to spend an hour with him and smile whenever I thought of him and all I wanted was for him to feel the same way....I was kidding myself but didn't know that then.

I was the woman who drove out at 3:30 in the morning just see him and hold him. I was the woman who spent countless hours trying to make his life easier by helping him with variuos projects, sponsoring his events and spoiling him with both my time and gifts. I was also the woman, who he claims 'made him feel like a child on Christmas Day'.

Now I am considered the woman who ruined his life. I told his wife but only after my H found out of the affair. I am now the woman, who he hates but who continues to want this man at times. I am the woman who denied ever loving this XMM only to realize that I was and continue to be in-love with him. I am also the woman, who does not understand how I can possibly love 2 people at once (my H and XMM). I am the woman that questions whether the XMM ever cared and how he really felt......

In short, I am the woman who aches for the XMM but still loves her H.

Sad.....yes, but I view this as my challenge: to get over the XMM and move on with my H.

Both my H and XMM, claim that I am the type of woman who could conquer the world today and no matter what, if I want it I can have...so tell me, why can't I have both the men I love?!!!!

This is who I am....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
Tue, 11-18-2003 - 4:44pm
Well put...

You are real person, with real feelings, strengths and weaknesses.

One question that is always posed to the married party in EMAs is, "What is it that you are getting out of the EMA that you are not getting in your M?" It's not like I don't get passion/love/affection/sex/listened to/support/attention from my DH. I have been driving myself crazy with this for almost 2 years now. It came to me this morning, as I asked myself, "My DH is so many things to me. What is it that he is not for me that SG *is* for me?"

It was like a light bulb went off it was so simple. He cannot be SG. No matter who he is, who he becomes, he can never be SG to me. That is why I can honestly say I love two men at the same time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Tue, 11-18-2003 - 7:13pm
I'm bumping this up...hoping to hear from you guys.....as I am convinced everyone thinks that the other person whether married or not is always the one at fault. Thx
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
Tue, 11-18-2003 - 9:13pm
deleted


Edited 3/10/2004 3:58 pm ET ET by geek_chic
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Tue, 11-18-2003 - 11:12pm

Hi xterra,


I think it's a normal human reaction to try and place the blame on someone else rather than yourself... given any situation.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 11-19-2003 - 9:18am
My ema started out as just a physical attraction. I have been married for 10 years and never really cared about sex. Something happened a couple years ago-call it age and hormones or both kids in school all day and somehow I ended up with a sex drive for the first time in my life! My husband was thrilled because now he is getting more sex-but he just wasn't doing it for me. I would fantasize about celebrities when I was with him but that only works for so long. I just longed for someone with a nice body that I was comfortable with that was good in bed. I didn't think anyone else would ever want me like that. I felt kind of depressed that I didn't have sexual feelings for my husband. He is a wonderful person and a good father and treats us all well. Enter MM. He is younger than me, keeps in good shape, and we have such chemistry together. This has been going on for a year. I don't feel guilty, I do worry about him finding out though.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-19-2003 - 11:17am
hi xterra. this is a subject dear to my heart! even before i was in this A with MM, i always wondered why the OW/OM was blamed (and sometimes shot too!) for the situation!! why is that? are we supposed to have more willpower than the MM/MW and walk away from the temptation?? how fair is that??

to my mind, it is the married partner's responsibility for the initiation/participation in an EMA. the MM/MW is breaking their promise/vows, not the other person. if both parties are married, then the participants in the EMA share the responsibility for it.

BUT TO BLAME THE OTHER PARTY FOR "BREAKING UP THE MARRIAGE" IS STUPID, SELF-SERVING AND CERTAINLY NOT LOGICAL!! for god's sake, blame your H or W for starting the EMA, not the other person involved. that's just dumb.

i'll get off my soapbox now.

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Wed, 11-19-2003 - 11:23am
Happy to oblige.

I'm MW with a MM.

I WAS the sweetest wife and mother and strived to always do my best as wife and mother. Volunteered for hot dog day, went on field trips, cooked DH breakfast before he went to work at 5 am, brought him dinner when he worked swing or graveyard shift, cooked dinner every night, never hired a housekeeper, paid all the bills, shopped at 2nd hand stores to make ends meet, talked w/ DH every day leaving notes to eachother, and worked full time!!!

That was then; this is now. The kids are grown & gone and I'm in bed when DH leaves for work. When DH works late you'll find me here online. I cook dinner 2, maybe 3 times a week, if we even have food in the frig. I have a housekeeper who comes once a week. My DH pays the household bills. I shop at Nordstrom's. I talk to MM every day (cept weekends). I still work full time.

What happened??? Well, while I was being Mrs Sweetest Wife, DH complained about everything I didn't do, or forgot, the house not being clean enough, or I'm not giving him enough sex, or anything under the sun that I fell short in. I dealt with his criticism and when we'd fight about it he said he criticized me so I would "improve". Well I improved alright! I got smart and said forget it. After the kids left he grew even more bitter. He did this to the kids too and when they left I got a concentrated dose of it since it couldn't be spread out. I was checking out emotionally and could "feel" it, even tho I loved the man. I wasn't there emotionally. I wished he could be the sweet loving man I knew. I needed so badly to feel loved and would cry at night while he lay in bed mad about whatever.

Along comes MM whom I knew 5 years earlier as business acquaintances only. After 5 years he confesses that he's always had this crush on me. Almost took my breath away. We met again and I found myself enjoying his company. A month later he asked if I ever considered having an EMA. Took my breath away again. I had "secretly" considered it, but told myself never in a million years. Two weeks later he tried to kiss me and I refused, so he just held me for a minute and boy, did it feel good. I thought to myself "I can't let my lips touch another man's lips! That's so wrong!"

Well, I'm here to say that my lips haven't only touched his lips, they've touched other body parts as well.

And that's me in a nutshell! Been in EMA for 1-1/2 to almost 2 years, depends on when you start counting. Me and MM are FWB's and FWOB's when he gets the guilts (which is all the time). But we've vowed we'd be friends forever, even if the lover aspect of our R has to end for whatever reason.

What happened w/ DH? He has become patient and loving and so I have to give him credit for that. It's just a little late in coming. I wish he could've been that way from the beginning, but then I wouldn't be w/ MM whom I love dearly. I believe you can love two men; just like you love others in your life. I love my DH as my husband and as his wife, and that R is more of a "formal" one. When I let the true me come out he cringes and looks at me disapprovingly. I love MM as my best friend. My personality and my spunk is what he loves the most about me. He loves me for me.

Luvin (sorry this got long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-19-2003 - 11:53am
luvin, you've just described both my marriage (16 years) and my current relationship with BF (11 years)!!

this A is for me, because i've always been the good wife, mother, friend, co-worker. now i want to just be me, and MM is just for me!!

see ya,

gurl