OMG His Wife Just Called:

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
OMG His Wife Just Called:
15
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 6:10pm
I talk to MM almost every morning. I only call his home when he's told me that I may...and if I mess up and dial the wrong number, (which I have - although rarely), I tell him immediately so he can erase the message. (He works less than five minutes from his home.)

Anyway, he called me this morning on the way to work and I called him back. We had our usual talk, but he apparently forgot to erase the message.

I was almost home this afternoon. The cell phone rang. Hello, this is ______.

Dead Silence. I had no more idea of what to say than a flea. She said she wanted to know if I had called to talk to him or her. I told her I wasn't really sure what she was talking about - when had I called? "This morning at 7:30."

Okay, I didn't wreck the car. I told her that I had called to talk with him about our writing group. That I had received good news about a guest speaker, (true), and that we were talking about writing.

She said that she knew that wasn't all it _had_ been because he'd been willing to leave her for me, not too long ago. I told her he had made his decision. Yes, he is a very special person, but that she must be as well. She said she didn't feel very special. She felt threatened. I reiterated that he had made his decision. Yes, we do talk, but it is almost exclusively about writing. I don't live where they live, and I don't work where they live.

She said okay, and got off the phone and I called him on his cell. Luckily, I was able to catch him before he got home and I told him everything. He seemed to be okay, but I dread this evening for him and, to be truthful, for her. She sounded like a really nice lady...she wasn't screaming or anything.

I hope I overcame the long period of silence. I'm not a good liar, but I tried to fix things. I didn't just hang up on her, (although I confess I thought about it).

I'm trying to fix his marriage! What does that say?

I don't want her hurt. Since he's decided not to leave her, then they both need to find a way to be happy. I'm just trying to be happy with the little bit of him that I can share. And I guess I'm a little scared that I'll lose that, too.

Of course, she still doesn't know that we're writing a book together - and that will be even harder on her when she finds out, and almost impossible for us to split...

I don't know what to do any more.

Cazrida



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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 7:21pm
Bumping for help. :(
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 7:26pm
Caz

I understand your anxiety, but I think you handled it beautifully given the circumstances. If he was ok, then don't worry. Easy for me to say huh? I know you still will but get through tonight then can you contact him tomorrow somehow to see how it went?

Try not to let it get to you, you did all you could

dd

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 8:06pm
DD,

Thanks for your reply. I'll talk with him in the morning, and he's good at fixing things, so maybe it will be okay.

I feel like I should have told her that he loves her, but I didn't want to act like we still talked about emotions...or maybe I didn't want to think about it, myself.

I don't know, though. I know that she has a really strong side to her - He's all Alpha, so if she didn't, she wouldn't have been able to handle him all these years. No telling what's going to happen. I hate that she's hurting, and I can tell that she is.

And its at least half my fault, too.

And I still love him.

::sigh::

BTW, ((((HUGS)))) You deserve better than to allow your H's insecurities to prevent your fulfilling yourself. If your marriage is going to work, he needs to get a grip. Has he been to counseling? Hang in there and keep us posted.




Cazrida

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 8:13pm
Thanks Caz

no he hasn't been to counseling, he just read a book! Dr. Phil Relationship Rescue. He seemed to come to grips with some of the reasons he was treating me the way he has, and I am sure he is working everyday on that, but I just HATE it when this happens. It happens probably every other month or every month. I am sure he will come home from our sons practice and appologize, but I'm pretty much fed up with it tonight. It is his MO everytime and it is getting VERY old!

The thought of living with this as an older or retired woman is becoming totally unexceptable

dd

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 8:55pm
H is home so I gotta keep this quick. I have had an unfortunate amount of experience lately dealing with an irate W. Fortunately, in your case it doesn't sound like she knows enough to be irate (yet). I think you handled it well. Ultimately it isn't up to you to handle anything at all - it is up to your MM. In the end this is between the two of them and no one else. The W may not believe that - XMM's W certainly didn't - but it is true. I know the anxiety and gut wrenching fear you are going through right now. Just hang in there. I will keep you in my thoughts and sincerely hope you don't end up where I am - in NC with someone I love dearly and miss more than I thought was humanly possible.

Take care and keep us posted!

Peace

GB2

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 9:28am
(((Caz)))

Sweetie, I think you did all you could. You stayed on the line, you were honest without pandering, and you didn't address anything she didn't bring up.

MM made an error and didn't erase the call. Small error, but it happens, and because of it you got called. And it sounds like you were a pro. I think the long period of silence is understandable if you've never talked to her before. I think a reasonable person would expect a moment for you to register the name and the surprise. Even if you *never* talked to him any more, it would have taken a minute for you to sort out the caller, and I would expect her to know that and hope she doesn't read anything into it. From another POV, if you'd quickly jumped to explanations and recognized the name immediately, it might have suggested you were acting defensively. I really think you did fine.

As for what to do, I say just keep doing what you're doing. You're taking what is offered by your MM, not pushing for more (apparently) and you're being very civil in every respect. You're right, they need to work things out for themselves, and if she can't, then that's a problem for them.

Take care, Caz. I can't imagine he will really be troubled much by this. There is a legitimate reason for you to have called, I'm sure he can sell that.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 9:42am
Hi guys, my computer is terribly slow this morning so I could only get cazrida's post to open...

OMM's W finding out is my worst nightmare. We are both in happy marriages. I feel that if my H found out, I could work things out with him. He has been unfaithful himself, so I feel that I should be able to expect some understanding from him. But OMM's W is a sweet person (I've never met her, but, from all the things he's told me about her) who loves OMM. He is the only man she has ever slept with. She took him back after another A many years ago. She's a good woman and they have a good marriage that they both work hard on. I would hate to hurt her.

Anyway, Caz, I know how you feel.

p.s. I'm a writer too...what kind of writer are you? email me if you'd like

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 10:12am
Thanks, Rain.

And (((hugs))) back. I know you've been going through a lot, yourself. I really appreciate you taking the time to answer.

I spoke with him this morning and he said that it only took about an hour to fix things. She still doesn't want us talking. I told him that I was worried about how she was going to react when she found out that we'd written a book together. That's hardly an occasional phone call. He said that he started to tell her last night, but decided to wait a few days. And he told me how much he appreciated what I'd said and that I'd given him a heads-up.

At this point, I've told him my concerns. I'm going to leave the rest of that up to him. I'm still a little shocky - no, maybe sad is a better word. I cried on and off. I guess talking with her, even for such a short time, made her a real person in my eyes. And what we've done has hurt her, even if she doesn't realize how much is still going on. She should, after 26 years, be able to be confident and secure in her marriage. She isn't. And I'm partly to blame. :(

I'm a nurse. I see someone hurting and I want to make it better. And when she said that she didn't feel special, she felt threatened, I wanted to crawl under a rock. And even when I told her that he'd made his decision and it was to stay with her, I didn't say that the truth is that "he loves you and he's living the life with you that you've both worked for years to build." I didn't tell her that I can't compete. I didn't tell her that when he "flinched" (God, will that word ever leave my head?) that I went from being the luckiest woman in the world to second best and that I may never, ever, recover.

Sorry, I don't mean to go on like this. I'm just having a rough day. I'm not really psycho. He knows that I'm having a time with this...and said he'd make it better when we see each other Tuesday.

I don't know that anything will make it better, though.



Cazrida



iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 10:23am
Thank-you, Barefoot.

Its so great that we have a place we can come and talk to people who do understand.

Its hard, because what we share with our MM is so special, yet so potentially harmful. I don't want her to be hurt. I'm sure you feel the same way. I've been divorced ten years. I've been the BS, and it wasn't easy to handle, although I didn't get full confirmation until after we separated. Trust is so important, and so hard to rebuild. Just be careful - for everyone's sake.

We write SF. I've written nine chapters of an alternate history/SF backstory for a series published by Baen. I'm not doing much with it right now, because they aren't looking for the next story yet and because MM and I are 50,000 words into our own SF space opera. I've learned a lot about writing over the last year, so when I get back to my own story, there will be some serious revisions I have to make. LOL (I only _thought_ I knew how to write. Fiction is totally different that any of my master's research papers.)

What do you write? Are you published? How long have you been writing? Feel free to email me at any time, either about writing or about MM.

Again, thanks for the support. It is greatly appreciated. And good luck in your relationship.

Cazrida

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 3:12pm
Bumping for Rain

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