OMG! I am such a freak...

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
OMG! I am such a freak...
6
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 12:11pm

I apologize in advance for the long post....  

Well I have posted over here and over on EAS in regards to my situation.  I understand that I need to get out of affairland but I am struggling with the “work” needed to do it.

In a nutshell, I am 29, have been M for 8 years and have one child.  I have been in an ongoing A for 4 1/2 years now -  AP and I used to work together and I am friends with his GF (though lately she hasn’t been calling, makes me a wee bit paranoid).  

I tried the AM route last summer - I was looking for a PA to replace the EA/PA that I have with my long term AP.   I had fun on there.  But then I ended up having a mini d-day with my H discovering my email account and I cut all contact, however continued with long term AP.

Cut to the present…my AP has been on vacation for 2 and half weeks.  Won’t be back till Monday and I will most likely see him since he works and lives a block from where I work.  

I was going to use this time to get over him…so what do I do?  Go back on AM. Darn, just writing that makes me realize I am not as ready or happy as I thought.  

Well I met up with a guy last Tuesday.  Amazing chemistry, I mean it was palpable.  He tried to kiss me within the first 3 minutes – I told to hold off but before we parted ways we had some fun, not IC.  

Wednesday I text him midday and we have a long exchange.  I tell him that I am not ready for IC as I need to trust him first and I don’t want a one night stand and that if he was THAT guy that I would want to be the only one on his side to.  We continued flirting back and forth… We established “safe times” for contact etc.

Ok please do not laugh….I send him a picture (not racy or anything) and freak out when I get no response.  Then I ask on text are you there?  Nothing.  So I email him, stating that I hope he got the pic and not someone else.  Nothing.  The next morning I fish…send him a “period” and then “Bad time?”.  Nothing.  Friday I send “hi” Nothing. But I see he is online.  Then he is “away” and I send “want to send you something but don’t know if your there”.  Nothing.  Then I send an email.  And text him “Check your email”

I had Friday off unexpectedly and knew he would be in my area and that was the main reason for my urgency to get in touch.  I didn’t say that instead I blab on about how I understood that he was new to affairland and that he needed to test the waters etc. but that I was interested in seeing him in the meantime. And how I am not looking for a relationship and that the only hesitation for sleeping with him was that I want something ongoing with ONE guy, mainly cause I don’t want to get an STD….Basically freaking out that by telling him that I wanted something "exclusive" too soon he wouldn't contact me.

OMG!  I am such a freak right??? I haven’t heard from him; however it doesn’t appear that he has blocked me yet.  I think that he would be a good fit as he is completely emotionally unavailable and it would just be fun, PA.  He IS new to this or so he says and I do recall the early stages, and the pull back.  Still I think I blew it big time! 

I just needed to tell someone. And for you all to tell me to let him go!  I am still hoping I hear from him...but sooooo doubt it!

~livinglove~

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2010
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 12:35pm
My guess is if you have not heard from him as of yet, you probably won't. I would stop the contact..over doing it can make people get scared. When I was first on AM, the guys that pushed were the ones I did not respond to. Sorry your going through this, its hard I know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2010
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 11:56pm
Glad that you are moving on...funny but I went from a cop to a fireman lol...maybe we have the same AP's?

I know it is hard to move on. When things ended with my first AP, it took some time but was able to let go. I did see him once after we ended and we did talk regularly as friends so it is possible. Keep your head and follow your instincts.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2010
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 2:36pm

Glad to hear that it went well and my advise (which of course I cannot take my own and do the same thing), just let the fireman go.  You are correct that you would just set yourself up for a rollercoaster ride and in the long run it would hurt worse I think.

Glad to hear that you are taking it slow with the cop and that he is good with you.  I know for me, I went looking for that friendship, not just the sex.