Once a cheater always a cheater?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Once a cheater always a cheater?
28
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 11:25pm
I've been reading all these discussions and its been comforting to see that I am not alone out there. My heart goes out to everyone that is in this situation. I wish I never was involved, but now that I am here, I can't stop the other relationship. I am married and having an affair with a married man that I work with. We've been seeing each other for about 6 months. I don't get jealous about his wife. What unnerves me, is that he had an affair (for years), with someone he works in the same department with (basically just the two of them). They are always together because of work (they are actually business partners). He assured me that it was over with her, and I was way off base being jealous, but it still gets me. So not only are we hiding this from our spouses, but this other co-worker as well. When I call him and he doesn't call back, I think that he is with her. I'm getting kinda obsessive about the whole thing, but don't want to bring it up again...for fear of upsetting and losing him. He is also about 18 years older than I am, as is his other co-worker. I am crazy about him...we see each other about once a week, and email about 3-5 times a week, besides seeing him at meetings. I hate the way I feel when I am not with him, but of course, love every minute together. Am I being over-reactive about this other person? I know I have no rights or expectations regarding his family, but what about this? Oh...and for Christmas, she got him, pajamas! He was actually surprised that I got upset.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 12:22am
Hi

HE sounds so trustworthy, wonder what he is hideing from you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 4:56pm
So it sounds like he is hiding something, rather than my emotions getting the best of me? Just reading what everyone writes on these boards, it seems that people's emotions & jealousy get completely off the charts like mine. That's why I can't figure it out, whether to confront him today about it, or let it go and enjoy our time together.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 8:54pm

It's not the other woman you're upset about- it's the thought that he's being dishonest to you!!!


I fully believe that you can love/be in love with more than one man at a time. What really kills a relationship though is the dishonesty. It's not the affair that's destructive, it's the dishonesty. When someone is consistantly dishonest with you about one thing, you truly doubt everything else he has told you. Then what's left? The relationship must be built on trust, not deceit.


You may be woman #3 in his life...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 9:15pm
Hey Nau

On this one we are going to have to AGREE , dump the dud.

FREE

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 9:17pm
Hi Naughty,

What you stated on this post about honesty makes a lot of sense. But I am going to go out on a limb here-Isn't it a bit of an oxymoron to even think that an honest relationship could be possible with someone who is currently cheating on someone they vowed they'd never be unfaithful to?

I once read a post from a woman who said she lied to her spouse, kids, etc., but never lied to the OM. And while I think one person may be totally truthful with their lover in an A, I think it highly unlikely that both would be completely honest wtih each other. Of course many would disagree and claim that they and their lover were totally honest with each other. Maybe one person was totally honest and the other person put up a very good delusion that they were honest. People can be very good at revealing only what they want others to know; some people are better at this than others.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 9:41pm
HEY Pen

Sound like a good enough reason for her to bailout on that situation.

Yes you do have to be a good liar to get away with an affair or have a spouse who is just not that interested in what you are doing or who you are doing it with if the B/S is not actively involving themselfs in the life of there mate that says something about the relationship.

I think alot of A last because of the later reason the B/S was just as eager not to spend time with the W/S as W/S was not to spend time with the B/S.

Just a thought

TRYING

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 2:52pm
hi heartache -- sorry it took me so long to reply. i've read all the other posts/replies to your original post and some of that advice makes sense, such as honesty is critical in a R, especially an A, but it is a bit of an oxymoron too. some of the other advice is just plain wrong.

obviously, you are way younger than your MM and probably inexperienced as well. MM was honest with you about his previous A and i see no reason why you can't trust him. just because you call him at the office and he doesn't call you right back, you automatically jump to the conclusion MM is having sex with the 1st OW, not actually doing work. that's a little far-fetched, don't you think. and you're shocked and upset that 1st OW gave MM pjs as a gift, well, she has been intimate with him and probably knows what his likes and dislikes are. pjs are a personal gift, but what do you expect from his business partner/1st OW?? a pen set! come on, grow up a bit. you have no rights over any part of his life, ONLY YOUR OWN ACTIONS! your A is pretty new and you can't possibly know everything about your MM, so you'll have to go on faith right now.

you are his #1 OW now. MM spends lots of time and attention on you. i think you should stop overthinking all of this jealousy crap and enjoy your time with him. if you're head over heels/crazy about MM, relax and enjoy the feelings, the meetings, the emails, the phone convos and of course, your one-on-one time together. but if you really feel out-of-control about the 1st OW issue, you should calmly discuss your fears with MM outside the office. i still believe honest, open communication is key to being in an A.

relax and enjoy life!

gurl




Edited 2/17/2004 3:03:16 PM ET by gurlfriend50
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 5:22pm
Thanks Gurlfriend, and all who replied to give me some advice. Your right...I am new to this, and all these emotions are so crazy. Update on pajama issue, I finally confronted him about it, and it turns out that she made some for not only him, but her whole family and a couple of friends, so I apparently jumped the gun on that one. Last night though, I let my emotions get the best of me when he couldn't get out of dinner with her (her first day back from vacation for a month). We had plans, but he couldn't find a way to get out of her dinner invite so he literally spent an hour dinner there, and drove to my house to personally apologize (which I didn't even give him my address, he found it somehow-probably work...hubby was out of town). We talked about how out of wack the emotions are getting, and the bad was outweighing the good. Its kinda up in the air right now...I'll talk to him tonight about whether we will keep this up, but what I do know, is that I am so sad about it. I should have kept my jealousy in check. He's a hard habit to break, but I need to break it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 7:58pm
HI Gurl

You may be right about the trust issues, but I think if you are going to be in A and enjoy it you also must bring a level head into it and never let it go , with many younger women I wonder if they can do this, if they can control the emotions involved or live with them.

That is way I think the young woman should should reconsider if this is the right path for her.

FREE

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 6:42am
Hi Ladies,

I still say don't fool yourself with the whole trust thing. If two people are capable of betraying the trust of their SO's then they can do it to each other in an A...at some point. While I think it is true that two people in an A can possibly be totally honest with each other, that probably is only true for a while. It may last longer for some than for others, but I think it is naive or delusional to say they will NEVER be dishonest. Think about it...they were probably totally honest with their SO's once upon a time before they began having affairs. As someone on this post said earlier, you could be number 3 priority with MM and that should not be a big deal as long as he was upfront about it. But for many people who cheat, that is part of the reason they do it...they get a joy out of the whole deception thing. The excitement of it all is gone once the A is discovered for many.

Pages