Once a cheater always a cheater?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Once a cheater always a cheater?
28
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 11:25pm
I've been reading all these discussions and its been comforting to see that I am not alone out there. My heart goes out to everyone that is in this situation. I wish I never was involved, but now that I am here, I can't stop the other relationship. I am married and having an affair with a married man that I work with. We've been seeing each other for about 6 months. I don't get jealous about his wife. What unnerves me, is that he had an affair (for years), with someone he works in the same department with (basically just the two of them). They are always together because of work (they are actually business partners). He assured me that it was over with her, and I was way off base being jealous, but it still gets me. So not only are we hiding this from our spouses, but this other co-worker as well. When I call him and he doesn't call back, I think that he is with her. I'm getting kinda obsessive about the whole thing, but don't want to bring it up again...for fear of upsetting and losing him. He is also about 18 years older than I am, as is his other co-worker. I am crazy about him...we see each other about once a week, and email about 3-5 times a week, besides seeing him at meetings. I hate the way I feel when I am not with him, but of course, love every minute together. Am I being over-reactive about this other person? I know I have no rights or expectations regarding his family, but what about this? Oh...and for Christmas, she got him, pajamas! He was actually surprised that I got upset.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 12:32pm
WOW...you are STRONG!! Find a time to lie down and cry (when you can -- I know it's hard with a H at home) -- get it all out. It's all part of the proces of healing and moving on. You'll find you again soon. I only hope he can stay away -- don't be surprised when he comes after you again.

Stay strong!!



Charlotte

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 12:41pm
I'm so happy you were able to end it with no hard feelings. It takes an incredibly strong person to do what you've done.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 4:22pm
Thanks for the support!!! I know it is hard to be strong. I'll take the advice of finding a place to cry and let it out. As for the warning to be prepared when he comes back, I'll try. I too believe he may do that, and I know he may be more attracted to me when he realizes he can't have me anymore. Hopefully, I'll be stronger & stronger as the days go by...and by the time he comes, I will resist. Its hard, but I need to put myself first. Thanks again for the support!! It's comforting to know I'm not alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 4:31pm
oh, heartache, i know you are upset, aching and in turmoil, but you are so incredibly strong to end your A in that way, at that time, on the high note and with good feelings! i'm so proud of you and i really hope i can be as strong as you when my turn comes, as i'm sure it will.

i'm hugging you right now! please know that you are a good person and your H had better deserve you!

check in with us when you feel like it, so that we know you're okay. lots of hugs to you girlfriend!

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 6:23pm
Heart, I can really tell he meant a lot to you. But it is good you did what you did for your sake as well as his (not to mention others who would be effected). Live and learn, wiser and stronger.

Pen

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 6:53pm

You're an intensely strong woman!!! You have my total respect. Wow!!!!!!


Good for you!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 8:48pm
HI Heart


You have done a wise and mature thing ,you are a young person who should be building a good future for herself and the truth is the old man would never have been part of it.

How are things with you and your husband, do you think there is any hope for you two.

Have you considered a job change, a LONG PERIOND of no contact may be required to clear your head and to help you make sound decisions about you life and Marriage, I know that when a person is in a A for a period of time it is not that unusual for there preception of there SO to degrade even when it is not deserved ,it is a defense mechanisiom to help justify the Affair in are minds/hearts part of the Affair FOG/FANTASY.

Have you considered IC to accurately determine way you had the A and why with an old man?


FOOD FOR THOUGHT

FREE

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 4:44pm
Hi,

Not sure what IC means...maybe counseling? Not really. I have put a lot of thought why him...I always looked at my older man's hands and loved how strong they are. I respect him so much, his quiet serious manner. I know right now my H is going thru a lot, unsure of himself (he's in grad school). I think I looked to this older man for strength. I am the strong one in my M and I was tired. It felt good to be taken care of-in terms of emotions. Maybe that is why the A happened. I talked to my H the other night about how I was unhappy in the M. That we both need to make an effort. We both want to try to work it out, but to be honest, I don't know if I will ever feel that strong about my H as I did my A.

I can't leave my job...I love it. Its like no other. I know a long period of time would help clear my head, but I will have to settle on three weeks until I see him again. The good thing about it though, is that we work for 4 more months, then break for 4...when I intend to leave the state. That might be the "long break" I will need. I know it will be hard to see him again when I do...I'm trying to prepare. Every day is hard. Its only day three, but I feel like I have a permanent lump in my throat.

Thanks for all the hugs everyone. You don't know how much that means to me!!!

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