This one is bad and I need advise!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2014
This one is bad and I need advise!
9
Sun, 01-12-2014 - 11:03pm

I'm gonna run through this very condenced.

Wife and I got married at 19. I care about her, but we never really connected and she is not my soul mate. We almost never had sex through my 20's 30's. Recently now mid 40's she wants sex every day. Go figure. We have one grown son.

About three years ago she took a position out of town and was gone for 4 months. I put up an ad on a dating website. I'm an attractive male, always attracted women, but never cheated. I was feeling like my best years were almosyt gone and I was in a not so good marriage all these years and wanted to sample the other side.

Met a 37 year old woman, no kids, never been married, she was just what I had missed all those years. She was wild in bed, the sex was out of this world and we traveled and had so much fun. I fed her lies about my situation keeping my marriage from her. Only problem is I knew right away the girl I'm seeing on the side would not be the one. She's unstable metally, wanted me to take her away and pay for everything, she had unbelievable expecations and I let her believe them.

As you can guess, wife comes home and then the three ring circus starts. For the next two and a half years, to this moment in time, I have lived minute by miute going to movie like scnearious to keep one from fidning out about the other. The girl I had the affair with is fine unless I try breaking up. She threatens suicide, she goes nuts and out of fear of discovery I go back to her. I pay her bills, pay everything for her, she loves me and says she can't live without me. She lost her job and sits home doing nothing but waiting for me. She only wants me and she's content if she thinks eventually we will be together.

I have tried every single approach to letting her go. Tried to make her hate me, ignored her for a week, told her I wanted out, but each time she starts getting cloer to my truth I'm hiding, so I back down and let her think I'll come back to her. On and on this cycle goes, FOR TWO FREAKING YEARS AND IT'S KILLING ME!!!! I'm ready to just confess to my wife and get the living crap beat out of me by both of them. The affair woman is capable of murder I swear, she looses it to ealy. My wife will 100% dump me and I;ll have nothing. All my fault I know, or is it? She would not have sex with me but a few times per year for twenty years and I could have gotten most any woman. I subconsciouly feel like this is how I paid her back.

I'm in a terrible situation. We live two miles from the girl I had the affair with. I avoid going out with my wife out of fear she will see us. I tell the girl I'm haing the aiiar with I'm on business trips. I arrange to stay with her once of twice a month to pacify her. I have paid her bills for 24 months, I'm going broke.

Should I just tell everyone and face certain death? Should I try and end this without either woman finding out?

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Tue, 01-14-2014 - 2:42pm

You are playing the victim and blaming both women for the predicament in which you find yourself. When actually you are the victim of your own bad decisions and choices. I don't say that to be mean, but just to point out that, when we start to hold ourselves totally accountable for our behavior, because it always boiled down to how we conduct ourselves in any given situation, we can begin to get real and then clear about how to proceed.  

I'll add the suggestion of sitting with a therapist who can perhaps guide you out of this mess and while you are there, help you get to the bottom of your issues, which also probably stem from childhood experiences. Maybe you will eventually be able to figure out your million dollar question "why did I pick the loser I did..."  

Good luck with whatever choice you decide upon.

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2014
Tue, 01-14-2014 - 1:31pm

Thanks everyone for the advise. I'm not going to outright confess...If you follow the "bro-code" which sounds kinda cheesy, (but there are some old time married men on there who had affairs off and on for years) Their advise is never, ever, ever to admit guilt, even darn near in the face of being caught red-handed. As one ole timer put it to me, "why make trouble for yourself unti you have to? Odds are she will find out, probably something like a 70% chance, but what if she never does and you caused yourself and her all that grief for nothing." Aka Bill Clinton style.

I've made it darn near 3 years without her finding out. Not without some close calls. but still made it. Fact is that people always say things like, "it always comes out in the wash, etc, etc, but in reality, data suggests only 54% of affairs are discovered. I just dug myself in real deep by paying for everything for this woman. She is so screwed up, she klost her job too and became totally dependent on me, so it makes it much, much worse. How can women do this these days? They all scream equal rights and deman we respect their feminist ways, yet want the man to pay for everything?? This girl has also gained about 60 pounds since I met her. The only thing she did well was scream and cry and blame, blame, blame! I've spent $330,000 on her over the past three years and in debt because of it. And I just want her to go now!!!!

I got mad the other day and told her...."you've had countless chances at relationships and every single one of them failed, it's time for you to look in the mirror. She just thinks it was always the other's fault. She got dumped by guy after guy after guy. If she was so great, they would have kept her.

My wife is better in the regard, but she is downright mean. Never nice, never accomodating, never loving. But she does work hard and is loyal to me. She was an awseome mother to our son, but has issues due to her childhood with intimacy and affection. Simply put, it's a language she doesn't understand. And I'm a very giving, affectionate kinda guy. Most women love that stuff and I got more of it then 99% of men. Most women I meet throughout my life are at least interested. And I never jumped. Why I piecked the loser I did to mess up my life with, I'll never know.

So the latest is, this girl is now syaing she will be homeless have to live in her car, etc etc. She has a cat and said she will take it to the shelter. MORE FREAKIN GUILT DUMPING ON ME!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Tue, 01-14-2014 - 2:26am

Everyone is telling you to confess because they think there is little chance that you can do this without your wife finding out eventually. And if you confess and beg forgiveness (assuming that is what you want) your wife might look more kindly on you. If she finds out about the affair by some other means she will probably be even more upset. Once your wife knows, if the AP starts making waves you don't have to worry about your wife finding out which (i think) is your major concern.

Why do you think that paying AP's rent for a year or being Mr Nice Guy will keep her quiet and that she will just release you? She's not so crazy that she doesn't know a good thing, a guy who blackmails himself....

What you really need to do is to figure out what you actually want, and what you can actually have. Do you want to stay married to your wife and if so, why? If your wife finds out about your affair will she want to stay married to you? You distance yourself from your AP but then "get roped back in". Maybe you like the drama too much to go back to your bland life with a wife that you don't seem to have feelings for? Wait, now we're back to why do you stay married.

If there was an easy solution for this you would have already figured it out and done it. Accept that its not going to be pretty, man up, and do what you need to do.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Tue, 01-14-2014 - 1:32am

Believe, no one here is advising fessing up without knowing the consequences of doing so...we all know it will suck.  I've seen shorter affairs unravel long-term marriages.  But fessing up could work in your favor in regards to your spouse forgiving you and possibly choosing to rebuild.  Better you spill your beans than someone else do it.

Anywho...I'm trying to put myself in your position.  The way I see it, I have the following options because what I have been doing so far hasn't been working, and I am reaching the end of my emotional and financial ropes.

1.  Confess and beg forgiveness, and hope that my spouse doesn't kick me to curb but instead works with me as a united front to get this woman out of our lives. And I would do this in the safety of a therapists office.

2.  Go total no-contact...block every single avenue of communication, and hope and pray that she doesn't find me and show up my door or that I don't run into her in public.  Now that would really suck too and an awful way to live...waiting for the other shoe to drop...and believe me, it always drops stiletto down.

3.  Relocate

And none of these options guarantee I'll be free of this woman, but at least if I've fessed up, I will hopefully be free and clear with my spouse...and together we can work at picking up the pieces.

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 01-13-2014 - 8:49pm

What you want is some kind of miracle way to get rid of the girlfriend w/o her getting mad at you and I can tell you that it's not going to work!  Believe me, I have experience in dealing with mentally ill people from an exH and some of my clients.  Maybe you don't have to tell her that you're married (I assume she doesn't know where you live and I hope she doesn't know where you work) but you need to tell her that it's over, block her phone no. and don't offer to keep paying her rent--that's just following the past craziness with more craziness.  The past pattern is that she acts crazy and needy and you keep going back so she's going to try the same thing again.  You just have to change your behavior.  You can't be rational with a mentally ill person and expect them to behave rationally because their mind doesn't work that way.  You could always take the risk of not telling your wife and hope she doesn't find out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2014
Mon, 01-13-2014 - 8:29pm

I don't blame my wife, but as someone pointed out, twnety years in a near sexless marriage, well, that won;t work for 99.9999% of all male species on the planet. My wife is very distant, I don;t feel close to her and believe me after 20 years, I tried. I got out and meet another woman and in two week I already click with her more then I did with my wife in twenty years of marriage. It sad, but it is, what it is. As the ole saying goes, "if he's not getting it from you, he's getting it some place else." well I lasted 20 years before I went some place else.

I do feel justified on some level for having cheated, but I also know it was not the right way to handle this. Everyone says, just leave your wife and move on. Anyone been where I;m at knows that is MUCH easier said then done.

Some of you missed the key point here too. The worst element of it all, neither knows about the other and the stuff I've done to keep it that was is made for a movie script. But I can't do it any longer and I know for 100% sure the other woman I could never make a life with. She's had over twenty past failed relationships and I can see why. She's not an evil bad person, but very emotionally unstable and had depression.

Everyone one here is telling me just to confess. What I was hoping for was advise on how to get out of this without either finding out. Three years 2.5 years is a long time, one minor slip and it all unravels. Imagine living with that. Let me tell you it SUCKS!

I try and leave the affair girl I'm seeing, but I know when I make that first step she starts getting nutty and "looking" for me so I passify here for a bit and she settles down, then I try again and she gets crazy again. I've tried being SUPER nice and offering her to pay her rent for up to year, helping her move (she wants to move) I've tried making her not like me, I've tried going away for three months at a single time, I've tried ignoring her and after a few weeks, she goes nuts and I get roped back in.

What can I do or say to her to make her go peacefully and be on her own? Seriously, should I have some hot strapping model of a man hit on her and see if she goes for him? I need suggestions!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 01-13-2014 - 11:26am

Don't blame your wife for you getting yourself into this crazy situation--you did this all by yourself.  Yes,  you complain that your wife didn't want to have sex, but you decided to stay with her--and you started the affair after she wanted to have sex all the time, so it really wasn't the lack of sex, it was more the excuse of being with one person since you were young and feeling that you missed out.

You definitely need to break things off with your crazy girlfriend once and for all.  After you first figured out she was unstable, which should have been the first few dates, I don't know why you didn't break things off then.  There is actually a post on the Betrayed Spouses message board which is a similar scenario and the woman did commit suicide, but the couple is staying together.  The DH had to tell the DW about it because of the AP's craziness and his fear that the woman would come after the wife--so I think that you probably need to confess to your DW and if you want to stay with her to be prepared to do a lot to win her back--don't forget that not only did you have the affair but you spent a lot of money on this woman (and in a marriage, all your money is joint money) so if you end up getting divorced, that is going to be taken into account--you won't just be splitting things 50-50, but you will get less than 50%.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 01-13-2014 - 1:52am

You my friend, are between a rock and a hard place.  It the girlfriend is as unstable as you think she is......you have only one choice.  Tell your wife the truth, and then dump the girlfriend.  If she's "unstable" that's not your fault.  She was that way before you got involved with her.  If, God forbid she tries to commit suicide........again, her mental problem, not yours.  It's doubtful that she will, she's probably just playing you.  She loves your money.  Stop paying her bills.  Does she even know you're married?  If not, then tell her the truth, and tell your wife that you screwed up, so she's forewarned.  If the crazy one is really that crazy, ala Fatal Attraction, then your wife needs to know.

As for your reason for your fling, tell your wife the truth, let her know how you feel, and maybe the two of you can work it out.....OR she might decide to divorce you......and if you wind up with nothing........well, that's the price you pay!  You don't want either woman so why are you staying with the nut case?  If your wife goes, then you'll be free to look for that "soul mate" that you think you should have.  You might just decide you care more about your wife that you realized, and she might be understanding if you're honest with her.  You have no choice here but to tell them both the truth, and hope for the best.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 01-13-2014 - 12:39am

  First find the best lawyers.  Dealing with the girlfriend is he easy part.  Dealing with the cheating wife is a different matter.(yes she cheated you out of sex for all those years)   You stayed with her for what reason?  Now you need to go to war bring out the NUKES!    If you have it in you.  This is why holding things in is not a wise idea.  From you posting I doubt you will go for the kill but wimp out or stupidly try to be fair.  Oh yeah, I met people who did not put themselves as #1 .  Your story is theirs too. 

nukes

dragowoman