One week 2 days with NC...it sucks

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2011
One week 2 days with NC...it sucks
4
Fri, 08-10-2012 - 2:53pm

Last M I asked xAP/AP why he never answers my in depth questions..no response.  Saw him on W because H waved him over...they talked and we didn't really speak.  Caught his eyes a few times but that's it.  I miss it all and want it back.  No amount of me trying is going to do that and that saddens me.  I just want it back.  I want him to be drawn to me and see what he's been missing out on.  He said the sneaking bothers him, he doesn't want me to suffer like he has, he backs off because I'm married, he's extremely attracted to me...blah blah blah.  Well, I am sad that he hasn't reached out yet and I know I will probably try again..why, I don't know...I just miss all of the excitement...maybe I won't contact him...maybe it's best that we just move on and away from each other.  He said that he is used to being alone but being lonely hurts...he never had to be lonely...but I guess it faded for him faster than me.  Damn emotionally unavailable avoidant!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2012
Fri, 08-10-2012 - 3:10pm

((staying)) it gets better.  The NC for an A is no different than NC for any other relationship break up.  Of course your going to go back (we all do in same way) until you are strong enough to say no.  That's the hard part, being okay with it, being confident enough in ourselves to realize we don't need the excitement, the thrill that comes with this type of relationship. 

You said H waved him over, I'm not too familiar with your story do you all live in the same area?  If so that makes NC almost near impossible.

 

Keep your chin up!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Sat, 08-11-2012 - 2:45pm

"Last M I asked xAP/AP why he never answers my in depth questions..no response.  Saw him on W because H waved him over...they talked and we didn't really speak.  Caught his eyes a few times but that's it.  I miss it all and want it back.  No amount of me trying is going to do that and that saddens me.  I just want it back.  I want him to be drawn to me and see what he's been missing out on.  He said the sneaking bothers him, he doesn't want me to suffer like he has, he backs off because I'm married, he's extremely attracted to me...blah blah blah.  Well, I am sad that he hasn't reached out yet and I know I will probably try again..why, I don't know...I just miss all of the excitement...maybe I won't contact him...maybe it's best that we just move on and away from each other.  He said that he is used to being alone but being lonely hurts...he never had to be lonely...but I guess it faded for him faster than me.  Damn emotionally unavailable avoidant!"

You've come a long way in how you view the A, staying but it is time to drive the final nail in the A coffin. You cling so much to those things he said that gave you the thrill and the validation that you wanted.  But it is time to realize they were just WORDS.  You're going to have to hurt yourself and your ego by admitting to yourself that he probably said these things to let you down nicely and keep you from getting mad at him.  He WAS attracted to you, but if he was really extremely attracted to you, he'd give in to your requests to meet. 

I think in part of your mind, you are still believing those words, imagining that he is longing for you and valiantly fighting his need for you.  He isn't.  He's done.  I'm guessing he got totally freaked out by how needy you got after the A began, and it changed the way he views you.  Does that mean there is something wrong with you?  Hell no!  But you do have a huge hole inside you that comes from being in a M where you don't feel loved or appreciated.  You are reacting in a very normal way to that, although not maybe a way that is effective in dealing with the root of the problem.  

I know that you have already been thinking these same thoughts and coming to these same conclusions.  He's made it clear how he feels with his actions.  When a person doesn't answer an in-depth question, it is usually because the answer he has will hurt you.  So he ignores it, which saves him the discomfort of having to say something mean, but it doesn't really help you, because it leaves a vagueness that allows you to still have hope.  Every time you keep asking for more answers or more attention, you lose a bit more of your pride.  That is definitely NOT going to help you get that ego boost that you need.  

I know you say you have your reasons for staying, but I firmly believe that until you start to assert yourself and find other ways to feel sexy and valuable, you will never be happy.  It is so easy to fall into an A and think it is the solution because it feels so good at first, but then most of the time, it doesn't last very long because that person can't really give us what we need...because we need way too much.  I think you are at the point where you are going to have to start looking inside yourself and asking some hard questions about your life.  


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2011
Sat, 08-11-2012 - 5:43pm

 

If I've said this to you once, I've said it 20 times.

If he WANTED to be with you. HE WOULD BE. He does not want to be with you.

Re-read JJ's post, she's hit the nail on the head and she says it nicer than me. Keep reading her response until it sinks in.

You are only hurting yourself. Why you can't see that is beyond me.