This is the only safe place to "talk"

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2003
This is the only safe place to "talk"
12
Wed, 12-03-2003 - 9:51am
I've been here over the past few months, I would go away and come back...I just have to write to entire ugly story, to get it out, to come to terms with it, the get some feedback (I am almost about to cry :-(

It really started four years ago at work. My boss used to flirt with me alot, but I was naive and just figured he was being a nice friend and thought why would he be interested in me, I just had a kid, I am married and his girlfriends all seemed alot prettier than me. During the time that we worked together I know that he had sex with at least 5 different women...not me though...I was happily married.

Then he left that job. I was 4mths pg at the time. I remember one day during his last weeks there I said to him, "come on touch my belly" and he did and he said "I can't believe I am touching you, it's a dream come true". I just dismissed it as another one of his corny flirtatious remarks.

We lost touch for about a year and a half. We got a new computer so I had lost his email address and his IM. I quit my job that we had worked at together and that was that. One day I was fooling around with the files on my computer and I started searching msn for his email address, and found it. So I added it to my IM board. He IM'd me almost instantly. He asked for my phone number, I gave it to him, he called. It was all normal catching up chit chat. I told him I had quit my job, he asked if I wanted a new one, and he got me a job affiliated with him. We work in the hotel industry. (ironic) SO I started working kinda with him again. He was the mgr at another property, but I would have to talk to him about work related stuff at least 3times a week. The the IM'ing started to be flirtatious again, but this time I was more receptive. I don't know why, maybe because now I had two children, had been married for 8yrs, been with my H for 13, have had never had sex with anyone but H. I was very vunerable. I enjoyed these converstatioons alot! It made my day. This is in June FYI.

So then the phone sex starts. I am ok with this, I don't feel quilty about it at all. I just figured it was an hour a day to myself to do something for myself. The other 23hrs a day I am a SAHM who babysits, works on the weekend, cooks cleans...blah blah. I really really enjoyed this "me" time.

The he came over. We made out. It was the hottest kissing I think I have ever experienced. I wanted to f**k him right there and then but held myself back. I grinned all afternoon, while doing my wifely duties...groceries, cleaning, cooking...

I think I must interject here and say that my H is awesome. I love him immensely, but this really had nothing to do with us, it was all about me...me being suckered in...

So then I say that he can't come over anymore..I wasn't ready for that full committment so we cont'd the phone sex thing. One day he was supposed to meet me at work and he didn't he really really hurt me. He didn't call or nothing, then a few days later I hear he is back with his GF. That was ok with my I just wished he would have told me. I was so glad that I didn't go "that next step".

We talked sparingly the months of Aug, Sep, Oct. I was sad that our relationship, even just the friendship part didn't last. I really wanted to see him, hold him, kiss him, but got it to at least go into the back of my mind.

Then I couldn't stand it anymore. Our work xmas party would be coming up soon and I knew that he would be there. I just couldn't stand not talking to him there, so I called him in Nov. It was like "old" times. One normal converstation then right back into the naughty conversations. This was two weeks ago. But he told me he would be going to work in a different country off and on for the next year. Like one mth there, one mth here...I was so sad..he would be leaving and I wouldn't have had the chance to do the one thing I really wanted to do...or so I thought.

I decided that I would let him come over to my house when the kids were in school or sleeping. We made arrangements for him to come over on a Tuesday, he couldn't make it, then on Wednesday he cancelled again, then on Thursday he neither cancelled or showed up. I was so hurt...here he had been trying to "get with me" for over 4yrs and I give in and I get nothing..not even a phone call. I was so pissed. I didn't call him either, till yesterday...

So I call him at work, turns out he will be at my property all night as he is leaving the country the next day. I am working, it's weird too cause I never work Tues. nights. I never asked why he didn't call but he said that he had written down my cell number wrong...whatever...he could be telling the truth but I really didn't care at this point.

SO then I goto work and he is there. OMG, the sexual tension between the two of us was incredible. We were alone for about an hour and we couldn't stop touching eachother, or giving eachother small kisses. It was wobbly knee amazing.

Then his girlfriend shows up. They go for supper. They get really drunk, she passes out upstairs in the room, and he comes back downstairs to "talk". We weren't alone anymore so we had to figure out what we were going to do. We met in a storage room. We kissed, we played with eachother, we had intercourse and we both had an orgasm. It was ok. It wasn't great but it was ok. I guess I was just expecting so much cause I had never been with anyone but my H, but it was just normal sex. Although he was bigger than my H, so that was a nice treat :-)

So we got dressed he went back to his passed out girlfriend and I went home. And now I sit here today, he is gone for three weeks, and the next time I will see him will be at the xmas party. Will I want him, will he want me again???

I am glad that I did it, I feel that I got it out of my system...found out what all the hype was about. I am not sure if I ever want to do it again, but I am okay (I think) with the fact that I did it. I feel that as long as no one knows than nobody can care. My best friend knows, but I trust her 100%. I do hope that wants to do it again, then I wouldn't feel like a loser, but really deep down, I don't know if I want to do it again.

You know that funny thing that I thought this morning...

When I had been contemplating whether or not to have an A, I was sure that I would lose everything if I did have one. I would lose my M, my house, my comfy couches and of course the respect of my H. So when I woke up this morning and my H gave my a hug and kiss goodbye, I awoke in my house, sat on my couch, fed my kids breakfast...Everything is the same!!! Nothing has changed except that I did something for me...now I have to figure out if I can live with it...or live without it...

I want to thing that my A will continue even as just a friendship thing. I don't want to feel casted away. I want to feel wanted, I want to feel dreamt about...but now I am scared that he will never talk to me again. Did he conquer me and now that's it? I can't even call him as his plane left this morning. I am really trying to keep this a thing that I did for me and not him, thereby not letting it hurt me at all. I got to experience it, wished it was better, and I am sure that if we were in a bed it would have been better, but hey a storage room is pretty sexy too.

Well that's it. I am sure that there is noone out there that made it to the end, but if you did, thanks. I just had to write this somewhere. I couldn't write in my diary as my H might read it, I can't tell anyone as they may tell my H.

Any advice or insight would be appreciated. Do you think I can really just have done it and get on with life and never think again about it? I sure hope so!

Happy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 3:19pm
Oh..... thanks gurl and happy, you guys are so sweet to take the time to comfort me. I don't know what I would do without this board. You are both so right and I am listening to you. I haven't always done that here. I was thinking today, he will be surprised when he doesn't hear from me anymore. He will know that I don't want a repeat performance of that again. I thought of sending a final e-mail, but have decided to just leave things the way they are, kind of open and just hanging there, maybe confuse him for once. Happy, at least you will get to see him at the christmas party. I often think that is an exciting part of an A, seeing them in public afterwards, the secret you have. I've missed out on that, but you will have it. Have fun with that. Thanks for the song ideas, I've downloaded them both. I have been listening to Alan Jackson - Remember When. It's helping me to remember what I have with my H. It's a beautiful song, please listen to it. Keep in touch, C
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 3:41pm
anytime you need us, honey, you know where we are!!

relax now and take care of YOU. whatever will happen with that man, will happen. right now, your life should be about you!

take care,

gurl

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