Open marriage?
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Open marriage?
| Wed, 03-17-2004 - 2:23pm |
Can it work? Anyone here in one? Anyone's married lover in one? Advice? H & I are negotiating an open marriage. He was having an EMA behind my back, but while I still hit the roof when I was told the truth, I had suspected it all along. After I calmed down, I realized I couldn't really be terribly mad because I'd always told him that after his vas, it wouldn't really bother me for him to take another partner. The A is not the reason for agreeing to an open marriage, but it would be the reason for agreeing to it at this moment in time. We've always talked about the possibility of an open, but never enacted it because neither of us had an O that we were interested in pursuing. We are finished childbearing & we both have undergone sterilization.

Just curious...Your husband was in an EMA, which reopened this discussion, right?
From what I've seen, most "open" marriages fall into the category of the couple that is dedicated to their marriage looking for play partners. Is this what your husband is talking about or is he more serious about the OW? There are relationships where the three manage to develop a real relationship with each other, but I think they are fairly rare.
As the OW, I can tell you that I'd want to have MM overnight a couple of times a week, minimum...plus phone calls and talk time. W is optional. ;) (LOL...sounds like the custody battle Omahamm is in.)
Before you change the parameters of your relationship, make sure you both know what boundaries you are agreeing to live within, and you can tolerate. Jealousy is rough on a marriage. I'd also consider an evaluation time as well, with a clear understanding that if it doesn't work for either of you, then everything goes back to normal with no hard feelings.
Easier said than done...but you're in a tough spot now.
Good luck
Cazrida
Well, it sounds like you're thinking about some of the consequences. I have to ask how you'll feel about him being gone two or three nights a week to be with her, though. I understand that you love him, but you're going from a whole loaf, (albeit one that is slipping around), to a partial loaf. I think that's where most of these open relationships struggle and/or fall apart.
And I'm not bi...I read my post and thought I'd faint. ROFL I have known couples who vacationed with the husband's mistress, though. The wife shopped. A lot.
Good luck, either way and please keep us posted.
Cazrida
Okay, i'm bi, i confess :) Of course MM's W isn't or else oh the fun we could have hehe.
i was in an open marriage with my STBX. it didn't work out for us (not the sole reason for the divorce, not by a long shot). But the reason it didn't work out was because he immediately threw out everything we had discussed and agreed upon and just decided to screw any female that moved and would let him, and he decided it best to bring them home to me and my child to stay for days at a time, none of which was remotely close to what we agreed upon or how i wanted it. While he was willing to talk about it at the end, he wasn't willing to change any of our other problems going on.
that being said, even thought i was emotionally BURNED by our open marriage, i think it still has alot of potential for me in the future, it's just that MY needs have to be met first (we agreed on that but it didn't happen that way). For me, if my emotional and sexual needs are being met, i really don't care who else you fool around if -you are honest with me -it's just sex or FWB's -you involve me if i want to be involved. it sound easy but it can messed up kinda easily, just keep the communication open. Like i say, even though i was burned, i would be open to the idea again.
i have mentioned here before MM have played with the idea of living together, and i always told him if we ended up married he could even go on trips with his current W, i woudln't care. We do definitely lean toward the possibility of something open, but i am not sure we have the BALLS to actually live together, although i'd love to.
Well i would be open to it, but my parents would jsut DIE LOL.
Whatever happens........it'll be interesting.........keep us posted on how your open M works out!
jen
Well before my M began, I convinced my W, then my fiance, to try being with another man. She had only been with me and we were both excited at the prospect of her being with someone else (I know, I know, this should have been a red flag). Long story short, she had a thing with a guy for a couple of months. Then I was unfaithful to my W early in my marriage. I now know I was seeking things in completely the wrong way, but at the time I was convinced I only wanted sex. Anyway, about three years into our M, we decided we should try an open M since we both seemed to enjoy outside sexual experiences. She was with another couple and I was with a few different girls in this time. It didn't really work because I was into her experiences and hearing about them and she wasn't interested in mine at all. It seemed more like she was okay with me being with someone else as long as she had her situation. About 6 months later her situation ended and by default, I was no longer allowed to do anything either. I don't know that this is typical of most people who try this or not, but I honestly think the fact we wanted to do this was a sign there was a problem in our M. I wasn't just looking for sex, but intimacy and communication and all kinds of other things.
Now that my M is ending, I am looking to enter into a R with my OW. Well it just so happens she is bi also. I always thought if I was with a bisexual woman I would be comfortable with her being with other women. Man was I wrong. I don't want to share her with anyone. I feel the danger of losing her emotionally by sharing her physically is way too high. That's just my take though. I guess you could say I'm a converted monogamist.
Also, it looks like OW is starting to come around. She wants to change some of the terms, but she's not ready yet to talk to me about it. She's still using H as a "go-between". She's gonna have to realize she's gonna have to sit down with both H & me to talk about this. There are some things that are simply non-negotiable, & I hope H can get her to understand why. For example, she wants him to spend her agreed-upon days with her regardless of whether or not it's a holiday. That's not happening. H still has to present a "family image". People ask questions when he doesn't show up to family functions. And if wants to "side with" her on this, I'm letting him know that means he'll have to tell his family the truth about the whole deal. I won't be pestered with questions from my MIL about why her son doesn't come see her on holidays if he chooses to spend that time with OW. I know he wants to keep this under wraps for a while longer. So he'll tell OW, "This is the way it is, period."