Open marriage?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Open marriage?
9
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 2:23pm
Can it work? Anyone here in one? Anyone's married lover in one? Advice? H & I are negotiating an open marriage. He was having an EMA behind my back, but while I still hit the roof when I was told the truth, I had suspected it all along. After I calmed down, I realized I couldn't really be terribly mad because I'd always told him that after his vas, it wouldn't really bother me for him to take another partner. The A is not the reason for agreeing to an open marriage, but it would be the reason for agreeing to it at this moment in time. We've always talked about the possibility of an open, but never enacted it because neither of us had an O that we were interested in pursuing. We are finished childbearing & we both have undergone sterilization.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 4:59pm


Just curious...Your husband was in an EMA, which reopened this discussion, right?

From what I've seen, most "open" marriages fall into the category of the couple that is dedicated to their marriage looking for play partners. Is this what your husband is talking about or is he more serious about the OW? There are relationships where the three manage to develop a real relationship with each other, but I think they are fairly rare.

As the OW, I can tell you that I'd want to have MM overnight a couple of times a week, minimum...plus phone calls and talk time. W is optional. ;) (LOL...sounds like the custody battle Omahamm is in.)

Before you change the parameters of your relationship, make sure you both know what boundaries you are agreeing to live within, and you can tolerate. Jealousy is rough on a marriage. I'd also consider an evaluation time as well, with a clear understanding that if it doesn't work for either of you, then everything goes back to normal with no hard feelings.

Easier said than done...but you're in a tough spot now.

Good luck

Cazrida

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 6:38pm
Yes, H was in an EMA with OW. That is what prompted the reopening of the open marriage discussion. Him coming clean about the A he'd been trying (rather poorly, I might add) to hide. I'm secure in his love. I know he loves me dearly. Although, we've had some atrocious fights, neither of us have desired a divorce strongly enough to start filings. We still love each other. Most of our fights this past year have been ones he started out of guilt over the A. (The A turned sexual last May.) He does have feelings for OW, but I don't know how deep they run. I *do* know that when he felt pressured by her, he chose to end the A and tell me the truth. She's been devastated the last few weeks. I do know her. She was a friend of his from school & they work together. They work shift-work, which made an A easier. If I'm asleep at 2AM when he gets home, I don't know if he came home at 2 or at 5, right? ;0) I can't be *friends* with her, but I can be civil, polite, etc. We are working on a schedule that will allow him time with her 3x per week, including overnight if they both want. Even though H has a threesome fantasy, (what man doesn't? LOL!) it won't happen with me & OW. Unfortunately, I don't even have one bi-curious bone in my body! As far as the boundaries, there will be a written agreement between H & I. He's out talking to OW right now. She is kinda leary of this. (She thinks this is some kind of elaborate trap I'm planning! Guess I can't really blame her for being distrustful, can I?)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 10:10pm


Well, it sounds like you're thinking about some of the consequences. I have to ask how you'll feel about him being gone two or three nights a week to be with her, though. I understand that you love him, but you're going from a whole loaf, (albeit one that is slipping around), to a partial loaf. I think that's where most of these open relationships struggle and/or fall apart.

And I'm not bi...I read my post and thought I'd faint. ROFL I have known couples who vacationed with the husband's mistress, though. The wife shopped. A lot.

Good luck, either way and please keep us posted.

Cazrida

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 8:33am
hiya caz, it did occur to me that you might be bi..... lol. J/K Don't beat me now.
Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 12:10pm
Hi all!!!

Okay, i'm bi, i confess :) Of course MM's W isn't or else oh the fun we could have hehe.

i was in an open marriage with my STBX. it didn't work out for us (not the sole reason for the divorce, not by a long shot). But the reason it didn't work out was because he immediately threw out everything we had discussed and agreed upon and just decided to screw any female that moved and would let him, and he decided it best to bring them home to me and my child to stay for days at a time, none of which was remotely close to what we agreed upon or how i wanted it. While he was willing to talk about it at the end, he wasn't willing to change any of our other problems going on.

that being said, even thought i was emotionally BURNED by our open marriage, i think it still has alot of potential for me in the future, it's just that MY needs have to be met first (we agreed on that but it didn't happen that way). For me, if my emotional and sexual needs are being met, i really don't care who else you fool around if -you are honest with me -it's just sex or FWB's -you involve me if i want to be involved. it sound easy but it can messed up kinda easily, just keep the communication open. Like i say, even though i was burned, i would be open to the idea again.

i have mentioned here before MM have played with the idea of living together, and i always told him if we ended up married he could even go on trips with his current W, i woudln't care. We do definitely lean toward the possibility of something open, but i am not sure we have the BALLS to actually live together, although i'd love to.

Well i would be open to it, but my parents would jsut DIE LOL.

Whatever happens........it'll be interesting.........keep us posted on how your open M works out!

jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 12:24pm
Hiya Jen, I was joking around with Caz. I didn't mean to say anything bad about bi's. :) Its just a prefernece if you ask me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 2:29pm
Well, apparently it's a no go from OW's perspective. Let's see: She said "You're just grasping at straws." and "If I want to be with him, I'll be with him with or without your permission." H said he tried to get her to tell him what she wants, but she refuses. H & I both know from her actions that she wants him to leave me & marry her. Which ain't happening. He's already told me that he's never getting married again. Thinks marriage is an out-dated institution. And for lots of reasons, other than "we still love each other", we're just not getting divorced right now. Maybe we will down the road, but not anytime soon. An open relationship would give her uninterrupted time with him, and that's better than sneaking around & only getting a little bit here & there. Oh, well. She's young. Maybe she'll come around & realize that men like H are not monogamous to anyone. That if she wants him, she's always going to be sharing him with someone else. Right now, she's sulking because he came home to me & left her crushed. (She chose it. She pushed too far. He always told me that if she forced him to choose, he would choose his wife & his family.) Part of me is disappointed for H & part of me is furious with her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 3:05pm
An interesting topic, no doubt. I do have some perspective on this both past and present.

Well before my M began, I convinced my W, then my fiance, to try being with another man. She had only been with me and we were both excited at the prospect of her being with someone else (I know, I know, this should have been a red flag). Long story short, she had a thing with a guy for a couple of months. Then I was unfaithful to my W early in my marriage. I now know I was seeking things in completely the wrong way, but at the time I was convinced I only wanted sex. Anyway, about three years into our M, we decided we should try an open M since we both seemed to enjoy outside sexual experiences. She was with another couple and I was with a few different girls in this time. It didn't really work because I was into her experiences and hearing about them and she wasn't interested in mine at all. It seemed more like she was okay with me being with someone else as long as she had her situation. About 6 months later her situation ended and by default, I was no longer allowed to do anything either. I don't know that this is typical of most people who try this or not, but I honestly think the fact we wanted to do this was a sign there was a problem in our M. I wasn't just looking for sex, but intimacy and communication and all kinds of other things.

Now that my M is ending, I am looking to enter into a R with my OW. Well it just so happens she is bi also. I always thought if I was with a bisexual woman I would be comfortable with her being with other women. Man was I wrong. I don't want to share her with anyone. I feel the danger of losing her emotionally by sharing her physically is way too high. That's just my take though. I guess you could say I'm a converted monogamist.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 5:25pm
H & I were young, had only dated each other, & lost our virginity together. Perhaps in time, we will be converted monogamists, but I think we both *miss* not having other experiences. I know that sometimes I question if our sex life is "good", or if it's just "good for me" because it's all I've known. I know that his A didn't begin because of problems in our sex life. It began because he & OW work the same shift @ work & it's hard to come home to a cold, dark house & have to heat up dinner in the microwave. I know he craved attention from someone. Since she's on the same shift, it was easy to go over to her apartment for a couple hours to "unwind" before coming home. When they are on day shift, their A cools down a bit & they may only have 2 trysts during those 3 months. When they are on nights, the A heats up & they are together at least 3 nights a week. Also, I don't view this as going from a whole loaf to a half a loaf. I'm already sharing the loaf, but I'm angry & bitter over it because it was behind my back. If we all agree to a shared arrangement that works for us all, my anger & bitterness abates & I can live with the arrangement.

Also, it looks like OW is starting to come around. She wants to change some of the terms, but she's not ready yet to talk to me about it. She's still using H as a "go-between". She's gonna have to realize she's gonna have to sit down with both H & me to talk about this. There are some things that are simply non-negotiable, & I hope H can get her to understand why. For example, she wants him to spend her agreed-upon days with her regardless of whether or not it's a holiday. That's not happening. H still has to present a "family image". People ask questions when he doesn't show up to family functions. And if wants to "side with" her on this, I'm letting him know that means he'll have to tell his family the truth about the whole deal. I won't be pestered with questions from my MIL about why her son doesn't come see her on holidays if he chooses to spend that time with OW. I know he wants to keep this under wraps for a while longer. So he'll tell OW, "This is the way it is, period."