Open Marriages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Open Marriages
13
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 12:50pm
My A started with the concept of an open marriage. I confronted my DH with the idea and after a lengthy conversation we decided to give it a go...I already had my eyes on my OM and DH knew it...DH went out a few times pursuing "tail" but his conscience got the best of him and he came home each time. It was shortly after that he changed his mind on the whole thing. My A continued and has been going on for just shy of 2 yrs now...

I often wonder what would be if my marriage had stayed open...does anyone have experience with this situation...where you openly engage in sexual and/or emotional intimacy with others outside of your marriage/relationship?

Liberal

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 1:44pm
My A started with the concept of swapping. It was something my H wanted to do for years before I finally agreed to give it a try. We met a couple via the internet and that is how I met OM. We got together with this couple several times, until she decided she didn't want to anymore. OM and and continued to see each other for a few months, until he decided he wanted to work on his marriage.

H and I met a few other couples, did stuff with some but not all. I discovered I really need to have some feelings involved or it just isn't any fun for me. We are currently going to "socials" every couple of months where it is fun to flirt, but I have no desire to meet anyone outside that club. H has a great time there also, but hasn't really found a couple that sounds that great.

About a year ago OM contacted me again. We began to see each other and the old feelings are still there. After a couple months I told my H I wanted to see OM again and he was fine with that. Currently OM and I see each other every 2-3 weeks. I wish I could see him more often but work and the distance we live apart prevents that. By the way OM is now divorced, but living with his girlfriend. She does not know about the situation.

Im_Justme

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 1:59pm
I have read about swingers. It can work only when jealousy is absent. Once a primary mate gets jealous of his mate's liasons, there is friction and the whole relationship goes down the drain. If one mate has other partners, the other mate should feel free to do so also. HOwever, a husband who sees his mate with another and demands that she is faithful, that isn't fair. On the other hand, a wife who has another mate should allow her husband the same.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 2:03pm
It is good that your husband knows about your other man. As for your other man, he should make his girlfriend aware of his relationship with you. He is not being fair with her. She may not like the idea.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 3:15pm
"It is good that your husband knows about your other man. As for your other man, he should make his girlfriend aware of his relationship with you. He is not being fair with her. She may not like the idea."

How can you belong on this board if your opinion is as you set forth in your post? He should tell his G/F as she may not like the idea of him shaggin me? LOL please clarify your post

Liberal

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2003
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 4:26pm
how funny you even bring this up. my dh is totally against the idea of swinging. i've never directly asked him, but from comments of what we've seen on tv i know he opposes it.

om and i recently had a very intense conversation of this and i discovered he is also interested in exploring this. if this is ever to happen..we agreed the other would always be present and we can stop it at any time. i love that he allows me to explore things deep inside of me. and it's not just sexual stuff. all on an emotional level. he wants to help me discover who i am, where i belong in this world. he wants me to do things i've only thought of to experience life. he is very adventurous in that aspect and that is what really attracts me to him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 6:22pm

I've never been monogamous, no matter how conservative, joyous, liberal, fulfilling, or happy the marriage. I can't say *why* this is true, but really, it doesn't matter. It just is.


My current DH (#2) is not the jealous type. When we met, I was engaged to somebody else. I continued that engagement for several months into our relationship. Then I had several flings while we were living together. I finally fessed up to all of my illdoings, expecting to piss him off and end up divorced again. He just said, "Oh" when I told him. He thought about it, and decided it really didn't change anything. I was a good girl for several years after that, thinking that my wild days were over and I had better control over myself...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2003
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 7:00pm
wow...that would be an ideal marriage for me. but i think the emotional aspect of it all would get to me eventually. but wow...what an exciting marriage!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 10-15-2003 - 10:10am
WOW Girl you have what sounds like a great situation...if you can pull it off and make it work so flawlessly, more power to ya! My Dh thought he could handle it and jumped the gun and a week later went into a panic mode. Now he passionately hates my OM and I know it's because of the thoughts he's ran through his own mind about me with OM sexually. I have never told DH that OM and I hit it during the week (LOL) our marriage was open. I didnt see the point in the heartache it would cause him and his shoulders dropped back to a relaxed position when I told him that nothing had happened - I think I made the best choice for everyone involved, despite the dishonesty. Some things are just better left unsaid...
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Wed, 10-15-2003 - 1:36pm
I do have to agree with you that some of the people at the clubs are scary...That is why we have not gotten together with anyone from the clubs. They are not what I am looking for.

I am pretty content with my relationship with OM. I wish we could see each other more often. It has even been discussed that he move in with us. H, OM, and I have no problem with that idea, but don't think the ex-W would go for it and might not let him see his children.

What types of rules do you have? I would be interested to know.

By the way my H has also had a relationship on the side. His was strictly sexual, and only a couple of times due to distance. I would not mind if he found someone to have a sexual relationship with. I do have to be a bit of a hypocrit and say I hope it remained sexual and didn't get emotional.

Im_JustMe

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Wed, 10-15-2003 - 2:28pm
This has all been very interesting to read.

OM and I have joked about having a happy menage a quatre with our spouses, to include all of life - our homes, kids, animals - it would be quite a zoo! Of course his wife and my DH would never want that.

One thing OM and I have talked about is hooking up with another couple or woman, strictly for sex, but it has never gone beyond a couple of emails with potential people. I can't get my mind around the idea of just having sex with someone. It seems remarkably disrespectful of their whole personhood. My relationship with OM started out as romantic and friendly, not sexual, and I am just too many years - OK, decades - removed from my careless, selfish youth to do that again.

And I agree, some things are better left unsaid. While I wouldn't mind if my DH had someone else in his life that he loved emotionally and physically, I certainly don't want to know about it.

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