opinion plz on deadline
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| Sun, 04-12-2009 - 2:39pm |
I am MW - been in an affair w/ MM (co-worker) since last November. I have worked w/ him for 6 years. My marriage had become a good friendship but the passion and connection was gone. I told my AP that I was ready to commit to leaving my marriage to be w/ him. He needs more time to make that commitment. We have both begun indiv therapy and MC w/ respective spouses.
I respect that he is wrestling w/ leaving his wife of 15 years, and his children are grown so he'd be stepping into the role of stepdad to my kids. The loss of his connections to her family would be a huge loss.
In February I gave him 3 months (till late May) to make his decision. If he chooses to stay married our affair is over.
He says consistently that we are a better match, that he loves me, that the only thing holding him back is the guilt of abandoning his W. But I know the statistics and it is very likely he will stay married.
He's told me that his love for me grows every day as we learn more about each other (the upswing of working together is that you really get to see your AP in all kinds of situations) He's asked me to give him till May to go through this decision process w/ his therapist. So I am afraid if I force an ultimatum ahead of schedule I will lose him.
Every week is a trip on this rollercoaster - swinging between the joy of his affection and the despair of not knowing what his decision will be. If it is to end, I want to begin healing NOW.
My heart is torn between telling him I need to know by the end of this week or sticking by my original deadline. Being in limbo is exhausting!
Advice?

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My thought is to give him till the end of May as you had talked about.
Hi songs,
I think you have 2 choices here: either stick to your original deadline (end of May), or end the A now if you can't wait until then. Upping the deadline is unfair to your AP.
good luck,
trixie
Thank you both for your replies. I've decided I will wait till our original deadline.
I have to respect that is he is working through the process and considering everyone involved - as he said it is ALWAYS on his mind. He is afraid of losing me but he is a really good man and is tortured by the thought he is abandoning his wife.
I just need to take a deep breath and focus on Spring which is finally arriving here!
Two caveats to my response:
1. You asked for opinions and advice. I will share mine with you but remember my experiences shape both.
2. I have not read any of the other replies you have received, I will after I write this, but apologize for anything redundant I offer.
You have been in an affair for five months (which is not very long, even if it seems like it is to you) and you are ready to leave your marriage to be with your AP.
IMO, you should never leave a marriage for anything or anyone other than yourself. Don't end your marriage because you want to be with your AP and you have the expectation that he too will leave his. End your marriage because you are truly unhappy and will be happier out of it. Take your AP completely out of the equation and ask yourself if you would still want a divorce. Also ask yourself if you are still going to divorce your H if your AP decides NOT to divorce his W.
You said you have been in an affair with since last November. I am taking that to mean November, 2008. You didn't say how long you have been married, but your MM has been married 15 years, so my assumption is that you have been married fairly long as well. You said you told him in February that you were ready to leave (after only three months of being in the A) and he said he needed more time. To me, it seems perfectly reasonable that he would need more time. And I don't think three more months is going to change that. I suspect that at the end of the three months he is still going to be on the same fence he is on now. Six months of and Affair relationship is not going to stand up very well to 15 years of marriage with kids.
Please remember, you only know what HE tells you about his marriage. You should assume that things are not as bad at home as he paints them for you. You should also assume, until proven differently, that what is missing at home, you provide him, and that makes leaving a comfortable, stable existence after fifteen years less appealing.
Affairs are not reality. How much time have you spent with your MM in the five months of your affair? Have you spent the night together? Have you spent a week together? I don't know what the nature of your work is so I don't know if travel is in the equation for you. When you are in an affair you present the best side of yourself to your AP, and your AP presents the best he has to offer to you. You don't have to pick up his dirty underwear off the floor, or see him cranky after a bad day, because his wife does that. Similarly, he doesn't get to see your more negative traits either.
Giving deadlines or ultimatums should only happen if you REALLY mean it. Are you prepared to walk away from your AP at the end of May? For good? Because I am doubtful there. I think he will likely make a plea for more time. It will probably be a convincing plea filled with "I love you's" and statements about his level of confusion. I see that you might accept it and extend the deadline. Thus beginning the cycle of resentment. Deadlines and ultimatums are sticky that way.
Have you started your own divorce process? You mentioned that you (and your AP) were in both couples and individual counseling. I am wondering if you have been open with your individual therapist about your A. I am also wondering why you are in couples counseling if you are planning to divorce. Have you said that in the therapy?
You know, Songs, you have several options. You could divorce and be out of the A. You could divorce and keep the A anyway knowing that your AP will stay married. You could stay married and stay in the A. You could end the A and stay married. I am sure you have thought of all of these. Which is most appealing to you? (Notice I didn't include you could divorce, have your AP divorce and ride off together into the sunset.)
Shadowz said it quite well (Hi Shadowz!) Perhaps I am jaded but I have seen many deadlines on here that never worked out (heck, I was one of them). Most of the time, the woman (almost always a woman here) cannot bring herself to walk away from the AP when he does not leave. We make lots of excuses for MM not leaving--they "can't" because of not wanting to hurt someone, finances, kids, whatever. I do have to say that the women I have known on here, when their M became intolerable, did have the guts to get up and leave. So, it is possible. Your AP has to want it enough.
Leaving a spouse and knowing you will hurt them is a real fear. Most people don't want to be the "bad guy". I left my H, and it was so hard, even though I knew I had to.
I'm just not a fan of deadlines in either case--now or in May. People need to leave a situation because they need to and want to--not because someone pushes them to do so.
"Leaving a spouse and knowing you will hurt them is a real fear. Most people don't want to be the "bad guy". I left my H, and it was so hard, even though I knew I had to."
Wow...snowstorm...you really hit the nail on the head in my opinion.
Thank you Shadowz for your very thought provoking reply . . .
I have told my own therapist everything but obviously I can't do that with the MC. I've come to realize that I chose my H specifically because he was not emotionally demanding, not clingy, not needy - the exact opposite of my mother, with whom I'd had a very close relationship growing up. Unfortunately now that 15 yrs has passed and I am much more "whole" those traits can make me feel very lonely. Not physically affectionate, not needing to hear about my day, not needing me. He hasn't changed. I feel I've outgrown our relationship.
I started MC initially because I knew if I left everyone would want to know if I had tried MC. I felt completely disconnected from my M. I had asked to try counseling in the past but it went nowhere. My H didn't see why we needed it but he went this time. What has surprised me is that my H is trying to adopt those behaviors that don't come naturally to him. Ask how I am doing, sit with me at dinner, says he loves me.
But I still love my AP. I'd known him for 6 years beforehand. We've never spent an overnight or a weekend but he's seen me deal with a petty boss and I've seen him worry over his sales figures. We've been more "intimate" - and by that I mean all of the feelings even the ugly ones are shared - than any other relationship I've ever had. I accept him the way he is - and he feels the same for me.
If I leave - I will be committing an incredibly selfish act but it would only be to be with my AP - because I don't want to feel lonely when the kids are gone and I am 55 wondering what might have been if I'd only had the courage to make the leap.
I really appreciate the chance to talk here - it is a godsend!
I would recommend waiting till your original deadline of late may that you guys set.
Ok Songs. A couple hard questions:
What if you leave your M and your Ap does not leave? Are you contemplating leaving your M because you truly cannot stay married, regardless of who is waiting in the wings?
The general wisdom around here is that you need more than one reason--a person--to leave your M. That is, you leave your M for yourself..not for a person. The person always figures in, but pinning all your hopes on a new relationship puts a lot of pressure on it to work out, could cause resentment "I left my spouse for you".
Your H sounds like he is trying but he can't do enough--obviously, because an H will always fare poorly compared to an AP. No matter what your H does at this point, it probably won't change your feelings.
Songs, Please read Snow's (hi back, Miss Snow ;)) post through a couple of times.
I really worry when I read something like "I would only divorce if I am to be with my AP." I am also going to tell you that despite how it FEELS right now. Despite the fact that you THINK you have seen AP in every kind of situation imaginable. You have not. I promise you that. You cannot know how he is behind closed doors until you see him behind closed doors. You have seen him deal with professional situations (albeit stressful). The professional persona, like the affair persona has a way of masking the personal.
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