opinion plz on deadline
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| Sun, 04-12-2009 - 2:39pm |
I am MW - been in an affair w/ MM (co-worker) since last November. I have worked w/ him for 6 years. My marriage had become a good friendship but the passion and connection was gone. I told my AP that I was ready to commit to leaving my marriage to be w/ him. He needs more time to make that commitment. We have both begun indiv therapy and MC w/ respective spouses.
I respect that he is wrestling w/ leaving his wife of 15 years, and his children are grown so he'd be stepping into the role of stepdad to my kids. The loss of his connections to her family would be a huge loss.
In February I gave him 3 months (till late May) to make his decision. If he chooses to stay married our affair is over.
He says consistently that we are a better match, that he loves me, that the only thing holding him back is the guilt of abandoning his W. But I know the statistics and it is very likely he will stay married.
He's told me that his love for me grows every day as we learn more about each other (the upswing of working together is that you really get to see your AP in all kinds of situations) He's asked me to give him till May to go through this decision process w/ his therapist. So I am afraid if I force an ultimatum ahead of schedule I will lose him.
Every week is a trip on this rollercoaster - swinging between the joy of his affection and the despair of not knowing what his decision will be. If it is to end, I want to begin healing NOW.
My heart is torn between telling him I need to know by the end of this week or sticking by my original deadline. Being in limbo is exhausting!
Advice?

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Thank you all for your very helpful insight.
I see my H trying to be more in touch with me right now - I wonder if that will still be true several months from now. I realize it is almost impossible for any H to compare favorably with a new AP. We are talking more but I still don't feel any passion returning. Do long term marriages ever feel passionate again?
I do believe that even in as short a time as 5 months you can get a real feel for how someone is "wired". By that I mean - do they talk about their feelings, do they enjoy the little touches throughout the day that keep you connected, are they willing to plan and try new things - biking, restaurants, socializing. My AP and I are wired very similarly - it is very easy and natural.
My therapist suggested I use the next 4 weeks to really visualize what this "leap" would mean. Picture telling my H, imagine telling the kids, what if my H found someone new, what if AP went back to wife. She's afraid that I am left feeling at the mercy of my AP's decision right now - which I am. That is a very scary and helpless place to be. So by writing down these exercises she feels it will help me rethink my initial decision to leave my M for AP.
Sometimes I just want to go back to bed with a bottle of Merlot . . .
INDEED! Listen to Shadowz on all the points she mentioned! I
The newest development is that the W strongly suspects that our friendship is more than that (she's no fool) and this has ampped up her anxiety and controlling behaviors (don't blame her).
So now we are being very cautious at work about spending too much time together and no contact outside of work other than a few short calls, texts. No more lunches together, no more after work drink.
The W has had major rage and jealously issues for YEARS (when he was as faithful as could be) and now they are turned up high. She begs him on a daily basis to forgive her past behavior and please don't abandon her. personally I would never want someone to stay with me out of guilt. That way breeds resentment and longing.
So his first priority has to be to help her get the counseling and meds that she needs to be less emotionally dependent and controlling. He can't leave her when she is so "broken". Between you and me she knows how to manipulate him with very easily with her moods and bouts of rage mixed with sobbing. She then somehow pulls it together enough to go out to dinner with friends . . .
My response yesterday was to say I understand that he cannot leave her until she is well on her way to being more healthy. I wouldn't love him like I do if he was the kind of man who would just walk away from her. But I also still expect to know if he feels like he would ever be willing to make the leap - if she was more independent.
I guess I figure I can keep working on myself and my M and give him some space to decide. I miss all the little ways we'd connect every day though - the long phone calls while walking our dogs, a drink slipped in after work, etc. He is one of my closest friends as well as a lover.
Any suggestions for getting through the weekend without obsessing about what they are doing . . .
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