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| Thu, 01-08-2009 - 3:27pm |
Okay, there seems to be some criticism and negativity about affairs here...imagine that, on an AFFAIR SUPPORT BOARD, but whatever. What I would like to know is, which do you think is the lesser of two evils...two married people having an affair with no intention of leaving their spouses...just out for a good time playing around for as long as they can without getting caught, OR, two married people who are really in love with each other and would like to leave their spouses because they tired of the sneaking around and lying but are trying to figure out the right time and way to end their marriages? What is the difference between the two affairs? :)

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since this post has taken a turn for the worse - as in taking sides although this is not debate board - i would be interested to hear the background of those who think that affairs are not supportable. but Goddess G2, happy2bemegal, lovemenow - you haven't responded to the roll call.
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlmyaffair&msg=55439.1&ctx=128
endulge me: i've been missing for awhile and i'd like to know what leads you to your conclusions. it would also help the newbies understand where you are coming from - even it's a repeated exercise for you.
Mrs.
I'm a 'for the sex' kind of gal.
SIGH.................
OK - here we go again.
You know, back in the day, I was known around these parts as a call it as I see it kind of gal. I wasn't very good at being the diplomat...my friends did that. If I saw something that didn't mesh I said so. I have been known to give the "run as fast as you can away" kind of advice to newbies contemplating starting an affair. Don't do it. It doesn't fix problems in a marriage, it is not the answer to your problems and you will be opening yourself up to a whole wealth of drama and the roller coaster ride from hell. You know what? Most people don't listen. I can probably count on one finger the number of times someone came back and said "hey, thanks, I took your advice and didn't start the affair and instead I worked on my marriage, got a divorce, thought about the pain it would cause friends and family (insert right answer here)." I became sort of well known for my call it as I see it kind of advice.
A long time ago, Muse posted "Tuesday Musings by Muse". It was basically a rundown of standard rules of affairs and I still think it applies very well and should be required reading. If I weren't so lazy I would go dig it up but anyone who cares enough can go search the archives for it. My standard advice was always assume you are the rule not the exception. If someone chose the A route, then I wanted them to be realistic about it. Don't ever think you are going to be the priority to an MM. Don't assume that you won't get thrown under the bus when a d-day happens. Sure some people aren't, but read the archives and you will see that most are.
Debating whether or not A's are good or bad or having a discussion about the pros and cons of this kind of A vs. that one seems better suited for a board other than this one. All Sides of and Affair jumps to mind. This board is for support for those in an A or contemplating one. It is right there at the top of the first page. Yes, support is subjective, so take what you need and leave the rest. There is a wonderful ignore feature that the Ivillage PTB give all of us. I encourage you to use it. Because each situation has unique players, all advice is not going to fit all situations.
I have made some life long friends on this board. These people are counted among my best friends today. They have truly transitioned from strangers on a message board into integral parts of my life. I would be lost without them. Among those I cherish, some have gone through a d-day and remain married, some have divorced and moved on, some have separated only to reconcile, and some continue in their affairs. I judge none of them. Sure I give advice to them based on MY experiences, but I also realize that they are in the situations they are for their own reasons.
This place should be the type of place that people can come and get the support they need. People should come away from this place realizing they are not alone in a situation that feels so isolating. A situation that is not discussed freely most corners of society. My wish for all of you is that you are able to take away what so many of us have been able to. Friendships and support. Let us all remember that we have all been where the newbie is. Let us all remember that despite where we are now, we once were that newbie. The one who just had that first kiss with our AP and doesn't know what to do about it. And for the newbies, keep in mind that some advice may not be exactly what you want to hear, but most times it doesn't come from a negative place, just a place further down the roller coaster track.
~Shadowz
Edited 1/9/2009 5:32 pm ET by intheshadowz
Edited 1/9/2009 5:45 pm ET by intheshadowz
OMG - Shadowz - my mentor - you know I love you more than anything - right??
tgr,
cl is a thankless job, so for that i am sorry you are offended. BUT if we follow down the line that support comes in all shapes and sizes, then i am entitled to be offer my POV. as we are reminded, it's a public board.
let me ask it this way: what is more important to the longevity of MAS?
a) for newbies to be welcomed with understanding that they are in a predicament where other posters have been
or
b) for long-timers to be able to take a hard line approach because they are the voices of experience
you say "and if someone is looking for that type of support - then they can find it - and if someone isn't up for that - they can ignore it." but don't you remember what it was like to be new? like walking into a club where it looks like everyone else has been a member for 100 years? and the first person you see slaps you? it's kinda hard to ignore or know what to ignore at that point.
ultimately, why does there need to be a discussion of right or wrong, a pat on the head or a kick in the back? most posters are looking for neither. they are looking for a community of people who understand their predicament. the ONLY community. my fear is that too much of the hard line will strangle that.
then no one will have to worry about long-timers.
Mrs.
Hi Mrs -
Good to have you posting here again - always appreciate your input and experiences.
Ok - perhaps my offense is that the tone of this thread was going toward
thanks Lynn and you are welcome.
sorry to burst your bubble. the support question has been around as long as MAS. it will be back again. just as i am the stinky Mother Bear who is consistent in saying you may not like the stench of affairs - but don't forget this is a cave. if you can't tolerate cave-living, don't move in here.
Mrs.
Ahhh dang it - a
Huh. Well, I see that the board is almost the same.
The biggest same being that which became such a giant PITA that I (like CLs before and after me) finally chucked my virtual
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