Opinions please

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2010
Opinions please
5
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 4:57pm
A little background, spent a lot of time together last week catching up after my return from vacation. He contacted me first, on my first day back. When I suggested we should get lunch sometime, he suggested this week. These were in person chats at work, sometime each day and lunch plans for this week.
This week, I bumped into him on Monday morning and gave him some blueberries I had brought in, since we had gone picking over the weekend. We caught up on our weekends. He asked me to stop by to show me some pictures from his weekend. He got busy and we postponed that until the next day. He was busy again Tuesday and apologized that he wouldn't have time. I know he was actually busy because I see what is going on down the hall. Today he contacted me and told me he was sorry he hadn't been able to email or stop in as often, but he had been really busy. He would be around for another hour if I had time to stop by. I did stop in and we caught up for about 1 1/2hrs, he stayed late. Everything sounds good so far, but this is what I am concerned about. I didn't bring up lunch which we were supposed to have this week-he did and said he would be too busy and that we'd do it next week. I was bummed of course as I was hoping this would move things forward for us. He also showed me pictures of his weekend which looked like fun, but included his wife-not only her, but pictures of others as well. It really bothered me, but I reminded myself he is a MM. At the end of our conversation he talked about how he needed a vacation soon and that he and his wife would go up North for a week-again he is married so this shouldn't surprise me, but it did bug me. Maybe because I make it a point to limit my talk of H when I am with him. I don't know if he was trying to give me the message that he is not interested in more than friendship now that he has had some time to chew on it since we talked last month or if I am just being sensitive. I guess I won't know anything until we have lunch next week and we talk about it if I don't chicken out of that conversation. Your thoughts?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Thu, 07-15-2010 - 12:20pm

Hi jerseygirl,


I certainly know how seeing those pictures bummed you out....the same thing has happened to me on a couple of occasions and it was like a knife through the heart. Yes, I know he's married but he's always given me the impression that they live a cold war kind of existence and somehow, the pic's that I saw positively smacked of a certain intimacy. Bummed me out AND pissed me off!


Guys are just very thoughtless that way...I don't have any real advice other than to say that, if you guys discuss continuing something together, do your best to make it clear that you're just not interested in hearing about his life with his w. I know we're supposed to be mature and all, but hearing about their lives at home with their spouses is not part of an A, IMO. Well, for me it isn't anyway. Especially considering that I gave up my 25 year marriage because of him...and he's done diddly squat on his end. Even though he's told me so many times how lonely and unhappy he is, and how she doesn't love him and made a mistake marrying him. I guess he doesn't mind being used as a meal ticket...


I'm not proud of it, but after three years with my guy...and turning down the offer several times, I finally gave in and went to their house with him. Now, it didn't bother me being there, at all...what bothered me was seeing a particular picture on his camera that showed me that he is lying about the true circumstances in that household. He invited me back two days later....and when he started talking about "their" stuff....I made it quite clear that I was not interested. He stopped.


Anyhow, I hope that you guys do make it to lunch and that you can get some of your questions answered.


benska

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Thu, 07-15-2010 - 3:14pm

I don't think he is blowing you off.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2010
Thu, 07-15-2010 - 4:29pm
Jane, Jane, Jane-LMAO! I didn't know you spoke Latin! :)
Always looking forward to reading your replies to everyone's posts as I am sure all the ladies here are.
To answer your questions-no I do not have a food fetish as in 9 1/2 Weeks if you remember that movie. Lunch is the only time we can really be alone-no one from work to walk in on us and interrupt. So I don't really care what we do as long as it is away from work. Dinner is out as we both have families to go home to. Neither of us would risk doing anything at work and jeopardize our jobs. I am probably a little more flirty at work than he is, he is very careful. For example, I will email him something flirty today it was about a spanking for not getting his work done. He will not reply to the email but will communicate to me in person his thoughts on it-we had talked on the phone for a few minutes. He is just cautious and we both have to be because we have very visible, senior positions.
As for is he a thinker-yes he is. I have realized that he thinks about my feelings to-has he contacted me to let me know why he can't stop in or just to say hi. He has started doing this more regularly knowing that I get quiet if I don't hear from him. For example, if I contact him by email and a day or two goes by without a reply from him, he will send an email letting me know he has been busy so that I don't feel like he is ignoring me. He has told me this in person, that he is not ignoring me and I should not take it personally. I may have pulled back early on thinking he was ignoring me and since then he has been very good to reply to me-he doesn't say a lot, but he replies. It has been better since I fessed up my wanting to have an affair.
As for the discussing his wife, you're right,it should be a normal part of our friendship. I think I will just have to get used to that. As far as discussing my H, in some weird way I feel I shouldn't-if I was talking about my H wouldn't he think I was okay with my M? He knows I am not and it would be nice to share some of the reasons why I am not happy. I just assumed he wouldn't want to heat about him. Compare it to dating one guy and talking about your previous boyfriend. I guess in an A it's different because you are having 2 Rs simultaneously not consecutively so the dynamic is different. Since this is my first A?, I still have the traditional mindset about things I guess.
Lastly, your are so BOLD-I don't think I could do something like that without knowing if he would be receptive. What if he replied-no that isn't a good color for you, you should return it! Fear of rejection-I want him to make the first move or at least give me the okay to make the first move, but that is as far as I can go-unless I have a beer in me. We haven't been able to work the beer in yet-he doesn't want to drink in the middle of the work day and I understand that. I would be willing to take the afternoon off and have a beer, but he has along drive home and is concerned about that. He said we would get a beer at some point, but knew if we did we wouldn't come back...that is also why I suspect he doesn't want to do that. Lunch is all I can get for now!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2010
Thu, 07-15-2010 - 4:32pm
Benska-thanks for your reply. I am sorry that seeing those pictures upset you. It is also great that you were able to tell him it upset you and you didn't want to hear about "their" stuff and that he respects that. It's good to know my feelings are normal and I am not the only one that has them. I'll update if lunch ever happens!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Fri, 07-16-2010 - 1:44am

Haha, girl, no guy is EVER going to be offended if you show him your sexy bra.