Opinions Please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Opinions Please!
2
Tue, 01-20-2009 - 7:13pm

HI everyone,


I know all of your experiences are unique and are valuable to me. I'd really like to know what you think about what i'm going thru.


I am in an A with an MM (A started mid-december 08). It is physical and we talk several times a day and text as well. We are very forward and recognize that it is largely a physical affair. We have both said neither of us is ready or willing to leave our families. We are trying to fill voids that are left in our marriages... He got married when his gf got preggo 9 years ago and I am married to someone who is NEVER around and I have two very small children. That's the situation.

SOOOOO having said all of that why am I such a trainwreck? I can NOT separate my feelings. I know that I need attention and love in my relationship as well as sexual gratification and my A gives that to me to a point. But he has even said that there are limitations because we will never truly be in eachothers lives. I know I will always be a secret. I find I'm waiting for his texts and I literally hang on his words. It feels like i'm in love with him and I'm sure it's infatuation although it sure as heck hurts at times.


I love being with him but I sense that our relationship is becoming more physical and not emotional. We are becoming more graphic with our sexual convos and texts and less about intimacy and feelings.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2008
Tue, 01-20-2009 - 8:21pm

>>>"Has anyone gone thru this?"<<<

Everyone has gone through it. It's called getting lost in the fog. Give it time and don't let it drive you "cuckoo", you got kids to think about. In order to make an A work is to drop your unrealistic expectations. Stay with the program that this is just a side dish. Don't risk losing what you have for it. Always remember that discovery is always just around the corner, therefore, plan on how to manage damaged control to minimize the pain to innocent bystanders. Don't let emotions get in the way and if you can't separate that, then maybe you're not cut out for it. Enjoy it if it's there, but don't obsess over it if it's not.

>>>"We are becoming more graphic with our sexual convos and texts and less about intimacy and feelings."<<<

Sweetie, he is not looking for someone to get emotionally intimate with. He has that at home (he calls her W). So far he's keeping to the rules of the A game (just sex, sex, and more sex). You on the other hand want to change the rules to love and commitment. Not a good idea, you're setting yourself up for crazy roller-coaster ride and pain.



Shadow Word generated at Pimp-My-Profile.com
"People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within."


- Ramona L. Anderson
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2009
Tue, 01-20-2009 - 8:50pm

Did you just say "Has anyone been through this?" I would say that 97% of us have been where you are. I'm telling you now, and if you never listen to anything else that I say please, please Puhleeze listen to me now. You are already showing symptoms of an addiction to an A. If you are having these feelings already, THERE IS NO WAY that you will be able to continue this A w/o falling in love, and later dealing w/ the excruciating pain that comes when the feelings start to grow. Please do not think that you will be different, or that you can handle it, because it's just not so. I have seen so many people on here start out the way you are, and we warn them just as I am warning you now, but they never listen. Some time will pass, and then they come back saying how they wish they would have listened to us. They convey the pain that they are in, and how difficult it is. Save yourself NOW. Tell AP you can't keep doing this, and then run, fast and far.

This is no real kind of life. Things were not designed to work this way. It's meant for one man, and one woman to be together for life. You can't think that you can go ahead and violate the natural flow of things, and think that you won't pay for it somewhere, somehow. That's why this crap is so painful, because we are going in direct conflict w/ the way that it was set up to be.

I hope that you heed my warning, I really do. I wouldn't take time to answer your post if I didn't totally believe what I'm telling you, and I don't want to see you get hurt. Take some time to think about it if have to. Whatever you decide we are here if you need us.

Justice