Opinions, please....

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2003
Opinions, please....
12
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 10:28pm
Hello all...I posted a few times several months back, but I'm currently in a different situation at the moment and would like some honest opinions and input. I am married (13 years) no kids, and for the past 4 months have been messing around with another married man (7 years), also no kids. I am 38, he is 40. The reason I say "messing around" is because he will not have any kind of intercourse whatsoever with me. We come very close to doing it, but then he pulls back and ends up saying something like "No, we can't do that...it would be cheating". Apparently, he is a devout follower of the "Bill Clinton Rules"...if there ain't penetration, it ain't cheatin'! Personally, I think this is a crock...but that's just my opinion. Two married people, completely naked, groping each other constitutes cheating in my eyes...and probably most everybody else's eyes too. I don't quite know what to make of this situation. I really enjoy being with him, but if we are never going to have sex of any kind, I'm not sure I can or even want to continue. Does that make sense? To me it's like "What's the point?" Is there anybody else currently in this type of A? Don't get me wrong...when OM and I are together, we have lots of fun, and we both thoroughly enjoy it...but I can't help thinking about having sex with him. What do you think is really going on inside his head that would make him act like this?


Bfly

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 10:38pm
I think that the guy you are seeing is apprehensive about having sex...plain and simple....Have you asked him if he has sex with his wife? If he does and you want him to have sex with you~~then divorce your respectives spouses and get married....thats the only way I see you getting what you want.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 10:52pm
Hi and thanks for your honest reply. At the moment, I don't see either one of us leaving our marriages. Things between us haven't really reached a 'serious' point yet...we're just '2 adults having some fun' - his words, not mine. We have been very good friends for over 2 years...and then 4 months ago, decided to kick the friendship up a notch to a 'friends w/benefits' level. I know he cares about me and would do anything for me (and vice versa)...but I just don't get the feeling that he has any romantic or emotional feelings for me. Of course, I can't say the same for me...I can totally see myself starting to fall for this guy very quickly. But to him, I believe this 'arrangement' we have is purely a physical thing for him...a 'release' or outlet. I haven't had the guts to ask him if he has sex with his W...but it certainly is a constant thought in my mind. Perhaps the next time we get together, I'll work it into the conversation and see what he says. Thanks again for your input!

Bfly

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 1:11am
HI

Dos he have sexual proformance issues (probblems).

It sounds like it is just fun and games for him and he has no intention of letting it go any farther, Intercourse can introduce real fellings at times even for some men.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 2:55am
To butterfly girl:

You MM is having fun from an EMA but I guess he would feel guilty if he does penetrate you. It is self denial 'cos he should know whatever he does with you, whether going out to dinner, holding hands behind his W's back is 'cheating' no matter how he wants to sugarcoat it. FREE is right on one point, maybe he is afraid that he may become too serious with you once there is sex. I know that my MM is more emotionally attached to me after we slept together. He calls me daily to checkup on me and I thought at first that he was doing it so we can continue to have sex. But he hasn't pushed for any. We would continue to have lunch and sometimes make out in the car after that. It was 3 months after our first time together before we made love again. We just enjoyed each other's company and respect our territories.

Let me ask you, since you're naked with him in bed, have you given him any oral sex ? If yes, then he is another Clinton. i.e. having the desire to cheat but coward enough not to live up to a full EMA.

You should have an honest talk with him if you feel that you're good friends.

Good luck !!In my opinion, an EMA is only worth it if you're honest with each other and truly care for each other. I call mine an affair 'cos my BF is a MM but I'm single myself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 6:05pm
Hi Free...nope, he is just fine in the "performance" department...has no trouble getting and keeping an erection. Sorry if that's too much information for some folks. However, I do think your comment on real feelings surfacing after intercourse is right on target because he also is not into kissing while we are together which is an obvious sign that he's trying to keep his feelings completely out of this situation that we are in. Thanks for your insight.

Bfly

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 6:18pm
Hi Maingirl...I enjoyed reading your reply. You make some very valid points. To answer your question about if I have given him oral sex...yes, I have, and not surprisingly he's okay with that. I agree with you and Free...he is definitely in denial. He's playing this game by his own set of 'rules', which isn't fair to me. I also agree with you about having an honest talk with him, however I don't want to scare him off either. I want to believe that he and I will always remain good friends no matter what happens, but I truly do enjoy having him as a lover as well and I'm just afraid that he might freak out and bolt on me if I tell him that we need to have 'a talk'. I'll have to figure out some way to approach the topic carefully without sending him running with flames shooting from behind. Thanks!

Bfly

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 6:37pm
HI But

I think you should remember that it is FRIENDS WITH BENIFITS and if you friend is only comfartable going so far then mybe you should accept him the way he is and not push.

All I have to say is make sure you get as much out of the friendship as you put in.


Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 6:56pm
You're absolutely right, Free. Maybe I should just quit complaining and just accept things for what they really are. At the moment, I definitely think I am getting as much out of our friendship as I'm putting in. If that ever changes, then I guess it would be time to re-evalute the situation. I care a lot about this guy and our friendship means more to me than any physical relationship that we might have. Keeping our friendship intact is my #1 priority right now.

Bfly

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 8:21pm
you dont necessarily have to take off the clothes in order to cheat
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 9:11pm
I know that...you know that...and I would guess that most of the cheating population knows it too. But thanks to Bill Clinton, there are some men (my MM included) who now believe that there are a 'different' set of rules that apply to this cheating game.

Bfly

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