OUCH! I hate these moments

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2011
OUCH! I hate these moments
15
Tue, 04-10-2012 - 9:16am

Hey everyone, its been a while since I posted here.

I'll prepost my situation ( reader's digest version ), I have been seening this wonderful MW for two years, I too am M. Our relationship like any has had some ups and downs. But for the most part is a wonderful love affair. Her H works out of town and only comes home once a month...if even that. So needless to say we have lots of time to communicate and see each other. This past spring break we actually got the chance to spend 4 days together...or at lease evenings since we both had to work still. It was so great gettting to leave work and go home to her.

Her H came home for Easter and I believe our spending so much time together prior has really put some stress on her mentally. From what I understand she fought with him all weekend and much of that was because of how great things are between us and it drives a wedge between them at home.

She is not in a position to leave him even though she talks about it al the time and I too am not in such a position...even though I dream of it often.

So this morning I get the dreaded email where she explains to me how tough her weekend went and that she feels we need to end things between us. She's had these thoughts before and they rarely last long but still it hurts like hell. I know in the back of my mind that she'll most likely change her mind but then I'll be on pins and needles waiting for her to feel like she needs to end it again.

I have found that each time she breaks things off it hurts just a little less, not sure if that's because I know she'll come back or because I just deal with it mentally differently. The first time about 6 months into our relationship she ended it and I completely freaked out, even broke down and told my W about the affair ( I believe I was hoping she's leave me ) after the dust settled me and my AP picked back up just as strong as before.

So right now I'm in limbo, it sucks. I'm sure I'll talk with her later today but I just hate the feeling of wondering when and if she'll come back and then when she does how long till the next "break up"....just waiting for the big one to hit, the one that sticks.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
Tue, 04-10-2012 - 10:22am
Owen, affairs are hard on the heart and mind. Yes you both care deeply for each other. Sometimes it gets so overpowering that you feel like the only way to make the pain go away is to end it. Then there is more pain.
I think each time you AP pulls away you toughen your skin to hold the hurt away. In the back of your mind you fear, all good things come to an end and you are afraid of that day, so in some ways your mind is helping you, protecting you for the future and the next pulling away. Best wishes for finding peace in your situation. Hugs!
~Sunny~
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2011
Tue, 04-10-2012 - 1:28pm

Thanks for the encouraging words. I got a brief email today from her, she has actually asked her H to quit is job and find something back home. That really forces our hand for sure, I think she knows if he's home then there is no way we'll fall back into our old habbits...I won't lie, it hurts like hell. So hard to have constant communication, knowing I could send her a text or phone call at anytime and just talk...knowing that I won't have that any more. I put too much of my happyness on our relationship....when I'm going to see her or just talk to her it always make me feel like a million dollars but when I can't be in touch with her it drives me crazy...I feel trapped and keep bouncing off the walls so to speak.

These are the days I wish I had never started this, but then I think of all the joy she brought into my life and I know some day I'll look back on those days and smile. Now I just keep thinking of all the things I'm going to miss....it sucks!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
Tue, 04-10-2012 - 2:53pm
The problem is an affair takes over, we make it the center of our being. This is where the hurt comes from when real life steps in. A friend once told me " as time passed, I came to realize that what I thought was the worst day of my life, was actually the best" I know it doesn't feel like that right now.There are a lot of great people on the boards to help support you. Remember sometimes letting go is a way of showing love.
~Sunny~
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Tue, 04-10-2012 - 3:03pm

LETTING GO TAKES LOVE
To let go does not mean to stop caring,

 


Much peace & Love,


Rayne


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Tue, 04-10-2012 - 3:06pm

One possibility is that, soon enough, things will settle down, her H won't be able to get a job in state, etc.. and you'll find the two of you right where you started at.. almost..

And at that point, you have a choice.. you can be wiser this time and take things at a more relaxed pace, having learned from the past, so that you can continue having some kind of a stable future and don't risk habitual self destruction..

Or, you can repeat the old patterns and see when and where it'll break this time..

It just depends on how important she really is to you.. and how unselfish you can be..

I'd say she's worth the effort.. but only you can answer that question..

I do agree.. the in-betweens are no fun..

Good luck..and do keep us posted pls..

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2011
Tue, 04-10-2012 - 8:41pm

Oh yeah I know there are tons of different ways this could pan out. Heck her H being home is going to push her to D faster or she will settle to be the doormat that her H makes her into. Thats the part that hurts, the idea of her living unhappy....but its not my choice and I understand that. All I can do is be here for her when ( or if ) the time comes

Now I have to deal with my own demons, I realize that having her in my life had become the single thing that made me happy, everything else that I so enjoyed as taken a back seat to the A. Its going to be hard to get out of the habits we had, the good morning & good night txts, the daily "thinking of you txts" and all the other kind thoughts she put into my life that put smiles on my face.

One day something might happen to bring us back together, its the hope of that idea that keeps me going right now...I'm sure its not the healthest thing but it need something right now...hope and Xanax :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2011
Wed, 04-11-2012 - 9:49am

I still haven't had the chance to talk to her via phone or face to face but we did share some txts last night and this morning. Her H has returned to work out of state for now, guess he's going to give his notice.

I do like the fact that we're still talking and its not a NC situation...yet. Besides the great love making we really have become each other's best friends.

I do worry about how dependent I've become on our relationship, makes me take stock of the rest of my life. Things that used to make me happy don't any more. My work suffers because I just get through the day and can't really focus. The only things that got me motiviated or excited was when me and my AP had something planned, it could have been a long term or short term plan....just as long as I knew in my mind there was a moment I as going to see her again.

That can't be right. I need to find out what it was that drove me to seek out such a relationship in the first place ( we met online via an ad I placed on CL ) When I was doing MC with my W a year or so ago the theropist kept trying to tell me that I showed signs of depression...I always refused the idea since it seems like such a dirty word, how I could I be one of those people, how could I be depressed? I have a great family, make good money, live in a nice part of town....what do I have to be depressed about? But lately after doing some digging into my own mind I thinking maybe she was right.

So today I have an appointment with my medical doc to talk about it and see what my opinions are as far as treating it ( if I have it ) I would like to think that there is some magical pill that can make me come to my senses and find joy in the things I do have and stop putting all my focus on the one thing ( person ) that I can't have.

I need something to at least help me focus on my work and other projects, heck I'm in the process of writting my second book and my publisher is eating my ass wanting to know where my chapters are...needless to say I haven't been in a writing mood this past week.

Hopefully I'll get a chance to talk with my AP on the phone today and get a better understanding of what all is going on with her, not that it will fix anything but it would be nice to hear some of what she is thinking.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2005
Wed, 04-11-2012 - 11:11am

I kind of understand how you feel, I also made my AP the center of my world. He was in a long-distance R with his W and we spent all our free time together for months. And when I say together, I mean really together, like a real couple, with me sleeping in, etc. Especially since we knew that it would end soon. I stopped going out, seeing friends, everything I did was with him.

Then he left on vacation and came back with her. So I had to get used to my single life again. I signed up for the gym. I started dancing again (it's my passion), I'm getting together with my friends. I took a vacation to Miami with girlfriends. And I feel better. We see each other less often now and while I think of him all the time, I still enjoy life when he's not around.

I suggest that you do something new and exiting to take your mind off her. Start some new activity. Get together with friends. You won't stop thinking of her, but at least, you'll be less miserable and it will get better with time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Thu, 04-12-2012 - 1:39am

handyowen (great name by the way...Owen was my Dad, and my nephew)

You said:

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
Thu, 04-12-2012 - 6:16am
Owen, how are you today? I hope you are finding some peace.
~Sunny~

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