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| Thu, 05-21-2009 - 12:54pm |
I used to post on EAS, but then I didn't have the right to, because I fell off the wagon.
Long story short: I'm M, great if imperfect H, two kids, am 45. I thought I fell in love 7 years ago with older SM in my field, we had a torrid LD PA for 3 years.. He never pushed me to leave but I guess he got sick of waiting, ended it to date someone else... It broke my heart, but we stayed in touch... when it didn't work with her he came back to me, but with much less intensity, no ILU... I eventually got with that program and faced the fact that I didn't want to ever leave my H, I just enjoyed SM's company... we sent e-mails, almost no phone calls, just hook ups the rare times we ended up in the same place.. It made me feel lousy about myself, but I couldn't seem to completely give him up..
I noticed that I would often look at pictures of my happy family and immediately try to figure out whether I was in or out of the PA at that point.... it made my whole life feel fake.... I thought recently of those men who have an extra family stashed away and wondered if I'm really any different....
Well SM just wrote to tell me that he's seeing someone, so when we see each other next week at a conference I know what (not) to expect. (he is a one woman guy)
I felt sad at first, but overall, I am RELIEVED... I am excited to focus and dote on my H... I was too weak to say goodbye to the PA, but I never wanted to leave H.
I hope things work out for SM with his new GF, because I don't want him to tempt me ever again.
eves

Hi Eve,
Thanks for posting this. I think you would certainly be welcomed on the EAS board. Others there fall off the wagon too...that's what EAS is for--finding strength and support in moments of weakness (not sure that's the best word, but I think you'll get the gist).
<>
Your words made me
Don't hold to anger, hurt or pain. They steal your energy and keep you from love. ~Anonymous
&nb
Thanks H & lostbutnotfound,
I've had my moments of sadness and obsession the last couple of days, but my H got home from a trip and we just had really hot, sexy love.... (and we've been together for 20+ years, so this seems something of a miracle)... it was love I wasn't capable of when xAP was in the background... I always felt foggy, slightly not all here, even though it was a LD A and we only saw each other a couple of times a year...
My H is deeper, better looking,a great father, and he actually loves me... I think the A was partly a fear of losing him one day---xAP was a backup plan of sorts... but it's wrong to live like that, and it backfires...
Right now I just want to dote on and please H.... and he's appreciative.... I feel lucky to have this chance to get things right....
I wish xAP happiness with his new gf... I am going to appreciate what I HAVE....
Girls, there is light at the end of the long dark tunnel... xAP and I were on and off for 7 years so it's no small matter to sever that connection...
eves
I can feel your sense of renewed hope over