out of control

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
out of control
31
Wed, 08-22-2012 - 8:50am

What do you do when you feel this 'out of control ' feeling?

When you feel like you want answers and you're not getting them?

When you're full of questions and you can't ask them bc he avoids you?

When you want to explain yourself and you're not being heard?

 

I called him three times on Monday  (he promised me the Friday before that we would talk about something very important but he never makes the time for it, and then on Monday he said all of a sudden 'there's nothing to talk about' and then he lied 'we'll talk about it on Tuesday')

I called him once on Tuesday, because he never called me back like he said he would, he yelled at me, and after that, I   emailed him four times (he ignored the emails)

I called him once on Wednesday (just to ask if he's still mad at me)  emailed him twice, and in those emails I said that I will stop bothering him, that if he wants to talk, he knows where to find me. And I also added that he should stop saying 'I'll call you back ''  or "I'll call you tomorrow' or "we'll talk about it later' when he is not going to follow through on his promises.

 

It drives me crazy when you want to explain yourself and when you're not being heard!!! I feel so stupid for contacting him all these times, yet I can't seem to stop myself. Well, I'll stop now. I hope. I hate how I feel. I feel like I'm a crazy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2012
In reply to:
Wed, 08-22-2012 - 9:22am

Wow... well it definitely doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all if you feeling these swing of emotions - left - right - all over the place.  Now I understand that part of the problem lies with him.  He's obviously not communicating and putting you off.  You need to somehow find a way to not get so involved.  Remember that an A is extracurricular and should not be a priority.  You and your family are first.  You don't need to explain yourself to anyone, especially when you AP doesn't want to listen.  It will only drive you loco...  Personally, I'd leave if I were you because it's not making you happy and he's not delivering the feedback you need.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Wed, 08-22-2012 - 11:49am

It's so sad to see you hurting this way, to see that you've not grown over this time, gotten yourself to a better place in your heart.  It's sad to see that you live the same, identical drama over and over again, feeding off the emotions daily to feel.. something..

You use your feelings as an excuse for emotional stunt and stalamate.  You use him as an excuse for choosing to stay stuck and hurt.

This has always been and will always be only about you. No excuses, no rationalizations.

You are much better than "this", but you choose not act...

You are not out of control.. you never had any control over your sense of self  to begin with.. in terms of knowing who you are and who you can be if you chose to be..

==

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2012
In reply to:
Wed, 08-22-2012 - 11:26pm
He is hurt like you, he doesn't want to say goodbye, hence why he won't hear you out. There is nothing more he can give you in terms of himself in a relationship, this is it, so he acknowledges he is at the end of the road, and there's nowhere to go from here. He knows you love him as he does you, but who wants the goodbye discussion?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2011
Wed, 08-22-2012 - 11:42pm

itstime,

Take a deep breath and be calm. I think your thoughts and feelings are so intense and you're feeling so out of control that you are wanting and needing to talk to him RIGHT NOW, at this second! The fact is, he is not going anywhere, he lives next door to you and its not going to change any time soon or suddenly. You will most likely have your chance to speak your mind. It may be tomorrow, or in a month, who knows. But you will likely get it. 

And the thing is, most men are different, in that they don't always feel they need that "closure" talk. To them, the relationship ended, both of you know why, so what is the point of rehashing those feelings and angry/hurt thoughts over and over and over...? And he also knows he will be seeing you on a regular basis, which also makes it seem even more unnecessary. 

So slow down, take things one step at a time. I know it feels like h*ll, but the world is not ending. And even when you do get that talk with him (or if he fishes down the line), it may or may not even make you feel better. Those things rarely go as we picture them in our heads. 

Hugs, feel better! 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
In reply to:
Wed, 08-22-2012 - 11:51pm

Aww, I'm sorry it has been so rough for so long.  :smileysad:  I have definitely felt that way before.  I am kind of a control freak, so that out of control feeling is really the worst in my opnion.

I used to control it initially by deleting his number from my phone.  Then I could only contact him AFTER he had contacted me first.  I am awful with numbers so I could never remember his number.  And I'd unfriend him on FB so I wouldn't be tempted to say hi to him there.  Not sure if those things would help you.

"It drives me crazy when you want to explain yourself and when you're not being heard!!! I feel so stupid for contacting him all these times, yet I can't seem to stop myself. Well, I'll stop now. I hope. I hate how I feel. I feel like I'm a crazy"

I think in times like this, you have to realize that you have been heard.  You have been sending him a very clear and consistent message about what you want a need, for a while now.  He no doubt knows what you have been trying to tell him. He's just not doing what you want him to do, or saying what you'd like to hear.  You don't ever need to explain one more move you make or one more feeling you have.  He knows you well!  You two have been doing this for a while now... :smileyhappy:  I think it is time to accept the fact that he totally understands what you need, what you want, and how his behavior affects you, but he keeps acting that way because it is what he wants.  

Somehow, I feel like I'm missing part of the story here...it seems like you have some new sort of hope growing, and that's why you are having a harder time now.  Has something been going on?  

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2012
In reply to:
Thu, 08-23-2012 - 12:00am
Sorry, quickly texting on phone. Just wanted to send you big ((((hugs)))) and strength to get through this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
In reply to:
Fri, 08-24-2012 - 10:35am
Itstime, you played a card looking for validation. It backfired, you told him it wasn't working and it hasn't been. He heard you loud and clear, now he is shutting you out and closing the door. In his mind there is nothing left to work on. There is no where for this R to go and he failed to meet your needs. He is who he is and your A was what it was an A. Problem is your emotions drive you to want more and he just can't give you that. (((Hugs))) I am sorry for your pain. A's can be painful in and out of them. This is even harder as he is your neighbor. Learning to let go of attachments is one of the most liberating gifts you can give to yourself.
~Sunny~
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2011
In reply to:
Fri, 08-24-2012 - 3:23pm

 

Yeah, you lost me at "he yelled at me".  I'm an adult and no other adult is allowed to "yell" at me. Nor are they allowed to ignore my questions and numberous emails. My (ex) AP did that and I took the hint. I never spoke, emailed or texted him again. I see him socially and I ignore him (unless ABSOLUTELY necessary to not give anything away).

You, however, seem A-OK with being treated like crap. I can't not believe you continued to email him, numerous times in one day, after he yelled at you, lied about not having anything to talk about, then lied again and said "okay, Tuesday".

Take a long look in the mirror. Is this REALLY how you want to behave? Is this REALLY how you deserve to be treated?? 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2010
In reply to:
Mon, 08-27-2012 - 10:34pm
I just read this thread and I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope that you are doing ok and are starting to heal although I know that is a long and slow process especially since you do have to see him so much. (((Hugs))))
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2010
In reply to:
Tue, 08-28-2012 - 12:57am
I know, I have been there and it hurts like crazy. The only saving grace for me was this board. I could come here and speak freely where everywhere else in my day I had to act like nothing was wrong. Luckily for me, I did not see him everyday.

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