An PA to and EA or Other Way Around...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2010
An PA to and EA or Other Way Around...
19
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 10:12am

Im just curious how your A went. I guess I figured that all A's started as PA's and over time, emotions and such would develop with the person so then in addition to being physical, it would also turn to an EA.



At least that is how mine (and previous A) were. It was all about the lacking physical part at home, connections were made in person, then after seeing AP more often, realized how great he was in general, how great I felt (not just physical) and then became/become attached to the person...not just the sex.



However, I have read from others on here who are in an EA and I believe I read something about no sex yet. How does the EA happen first or how did it happen for you? I've concluded that woman don't know how to have emotionless sex. Well, at least not this woman. A guy friend told me men just need a place to have sex, woman need a reason & a feeling.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2010
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 3:27pm
Thanks for your reply. You could be right about him trying to figure things out, but it seems like it is taking forever! :) We first talked about our feelings in mid-June and again in late July. We are making progress, slowly. I know he wants to, he just isn't able to at this point. I can't really do much about it at this point but continue to do what I am doing and see where it goes. I don't want to keep discussing it because I don't want him to feel pressured to do something he isn't ready for. I want him to be happy with his choice. So I may have a little hope after your post...:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2010
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 3:40pm
Thanks for your response. My AP has brought up the fact that he would like to get physical, but he doesn't talk about it often. We both know, but he just isn't willing to move it forward. It's funny though he always feels the need to make sure I know where he is or why he hasn't responded to my email or to make sure he lets me know he will make time for me. Today he was busy, but he sent a note saying he would make time for us to talk tomorrow. These sorts of things make me feel like it is more than just a friendship. I think my AP struggles with a lot of the things your AP does-the not being able to look himself in the mirror, etc. I know if I pushed he would be receptive, but I don't want to make it uncomfortable between us because I enjoy the friendship. I am also scared of how things may change between us-what if I want more and from what I have read here it becomes harder once it turns into a PA. Did you actually discuss all of that with your AP? That you were bored and tired with where things were at and you were out if nothing happened? We talked about our feelings in mid-June and then I went on vacation for a3 weeks. Since I have been back he has been very attentive and we talked again in late July which is when he told me friends for now but also asked me how we would have an affair-the logistics and that he was struggling with wanting to and knowing he shouldn't.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2010
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 4:14pm
Mine started as a PA. I honestly thought that was all affairs were about! Isn't sex just sposed to be sex? I think I'm learning differenly as its becoming an EA. Does the passion/sex bring about an EA?!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 4:16pm

We did discuss things. I just told him it was more work than I wanted it to be. Things with us used to be fun, and effortless. And now they were strained and boring. We don't really talk about feelings towards each other. It's obvious there is an attraction there and that we obviously like each other enough to be here, but beyond that we don't talk feelings. When we had the talk we agreed that we would just go back to friends, keep things light and see where they went from there. I just told him I couldn't continue to open myself up and allow myself to be vulnerable, so in that reason, it was off. I wasn't out of the friendship, but I was out of the allowing myself to continually be open to him. That was about 2 weeks before I came home. During those 2 weeks we had talked occasionally, but nothing like we had been. He didn't know what day I was coming home, ironically he sent me an email that morning asking what I was up to - I text him back I was just coming through baggage claim. He said "Oh, you're home, now?" I said yep. And after that contact picked up a lot. The next week he said something, and we saw each other that night. It was quite awkward the first night, then I saw him the next night and isn't wasn't as awkward, but it wasn't normal either. After those 2 nights communication picked up rapidly. Now we are seeing each other about 2-5 times a week depending on the week. Not long periods of time, but short spurts. While we have kissed, it hasn't gone further than that. We do a lot of talking and teasing and playing around when we see each other. It is quite hard to keep our hands to ourselves and while we do touch each other, it isn't anything really sexual, playful hits - things like that.

I think we are both past the guilt stage. We know we can live with what we have done so far and we are progressing - very slowly, which we have discussed. We don't want to rush things because we don't know how things will turn out once we go a certain distance.

I have also backed off a lot. I wasn't clingy or anything like that, but I was always open to seeing him. Now I play hard to get a bit. I don't answer his texts/emails right away. We usually see each other at night, some nights I don't text him back after he emails me and I will email him the next morning. I think what it came down to was he knew he was going to miss the rapport we had built between us. I was always available, now I am not, to him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2010
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 4:34pm
Some similarities to what is going on at my end. It is a habit now that we see each other almost every day at work and spend some amount of time together just talking. We go to lunch every other week and have been since early April. I know I will miss the contact when he leaves at the end of next week and I know he will too, but maybe not to the extent that I will. It will be more of an effort for him to keep in touch and see me as I won't be down the hall from him. I can relate to what you are saying about opening yourself up and being vulnerable because that is how I feel as well. He is always respectful of my feelings and he knows I am making myself vulnerable and he is careful not to hurt me, but he hasn't put himself out there. Yes, I am getting tired of that part. We'll probably talk about "things" once more in the next week. Just to figure out where do we go from here since he is leaving. I know the friendship will continue either way. We have the same sort of playful touching going on. No kissing, but some hugs recently. I guess I'll have to wait and see how it turns out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2010
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 5:17pm

Started off as friendship.

anotherseyes

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 5:27pm

You might be surprised how much he misses you and the contact. That was one thing that totally surprised me about AP. When I really pulled back and said I thought friends was better, that is when things picked up. I think he was scared to lose (although, he'd NEVER admit it) what we have/had, whatever that may be.

I found allowing myself to be open to him at all times was just too much. I was always available, not because I don't have things to do, but because my life does sorta revolve around my phone. I can't get by w/o it anymore. Apple is an evil thing! When I pulled myself back and he knew I wasn't completely open to it anymore is when he put himself out there. For a long time while I was out of town he said we wouldn't see each other until we got back together for our work project. That lasted a week.

I think you should pull back a little bit, let him see what is going on in his head, let him see where things are in his mind, and if he can get by w/o seeing/speaking to you often. It was hard at first for me - not because I was in love with him, but because I was used to the "habit". I was used to talking to him daily. But it got easier as those 2 weeks went on and even now, I can let the phone sit and do things and answer him when I get a minute instead of jumping right on it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2010
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 8:53pm

I think I (we) hijacked this post-so sorry to the original poster! I think your suggestions are good ones. Before he leaves next week and we have our final chat about what is going on, if he is still unsure about what he wants when we talk, I think the "okay let's just be friends thing" is a good way to end things at this point. I will just kind of lay low and see how long it takes for him to get in touch.If he wants more, he'll let me know and that might be the motivation he needs-me not being so available, me not wanting it anymore. If he is okay with the just friends thing, then at least I won't be in limbo because I will take him at his word, not his actions. If wants things to change, he will have to clear and sure.

I hope things continue to go well for you and AP too. I'll update when I have something to say either way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2010
Thu, 09-09-2010 - 11:10am
My affair was supose to be physical but ended up being more then that.

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