painful affair,why are we all doing this

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
painful affair,why are we all doing this
4
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 7:09am
I've been having an affair for almost three months. Started out to be an only physical thing and somewhere in there my heart got involved. It is the most painful 'crap' that I've ever been through. Not leaving husband or teenage son but don't want to leave OM either...but have to in order to get some normalcy back in my life. I live and breathe this mess every day and curse the day I ever found myself so weak to allow myself to do this. I can't wait to get back to my boring life!!! Just thinking out loud here and wondering if I'm the only one who is stressed to the limit with this.

Also wondering if a midlife crisis is in the works here as I'm 40 and wonder all the time about 'things'.Take care
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 8:46am
Hey there Maree! I think every single one of us have felt the way you are feeling - that out of control, totally out of order, life style stricken with spinning emotions and an abundance of unanswered questions. Although I have no good answers for you I only can say that I can relate. I have been in my A since March 2002 and like you, I have no intention of leaving my DH; therefore, I am forced to find some balance among this double life I live.

Although it's been a very rocky road so far I can honestly say I'm finally finding a greater understanding and trying to become more flexible about my relationship with OM...One thing I just learned last week is that I can not expect my A to function like a "normal" relationship. I need to be willing to accept the numerous disappointments and long weeks apart that are nothing more than the result of playing it safe. Although it is very difficult to do, I am tryin very hard to not allow the negative energy that is inevitable in every fulltime relationship simply because of the routine involved in it, the bad days at work, the no money in the check book, the car needing repairs, the no time for each other...all the things that cause stress and negative energy in our full time relationship. The time I spend with my OM needs to be "fantasy land" otherwise what's the use?

I have found that communication is very necessary and as long as you know you're on his mind, sometimes you just need to be flexible and let that be enough until time allows you to slip away into your "fantasy world".

Best of luck to you!

Liberal

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 9:34am
Maree,

I agree with Liberal that you have to find a balance. But I also believe that you have to do what is best for you. If this R is putting too much stress on you then maybe it is time to end it. My OM and I just ended NC for 18 days and I am currently going over and over in my mind what to do. I think that I want to find a balance because I truly believe that to be happy in my life I need OM. I have no intention of leaving my M and H because my life at home is not bad at all and I have worked very hard to get what we ave, so no I am not ready to give that up. I also know that what I am doing is not fair to H or my kids but I don't seem to be able to stop it. Maybe its just me doing for me for a change but right now this is where I am.

Liberal said "One thing I just learned last week is that I can not expect my A to function like a "normal" relationship." this is very true and I think that once you can get to that point of realizing exactly what you want and what the R is then you will find that there is a lot less stress. Making myself accept this is going to be an entirely different challange but think that if I can find that balance and accept the R for what it is I will be able to have both R's.

I don't know if I helped you any but believe me there are some of us out here that do feel like you do and are trying to deal with the same issues. Email me if you want to talk so more. DAF

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 11:39am
Hi Maree

It's hard, no doubt. It's an insane emotional roller coaster ride especially when you are fighting back feeling something for OM. I think many people don't plan on feeling anything, but it seems like (from what I've read on this board) it usually happens. I wish I could offer you some sound advice, but honestly, I don't think I can. I too am very confused with my A. When you know you are not leaving your H, there's really not much you can do but juggle all the emotions and try to stay sane (which is hard) or get out of it. Neither is an easy task. Just know that you are not alone and that there are people here to help you through.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 3:42pm
Hello Maree,

I think a good rule of thumb is that if a relationship makes you unhappy more than it makes you happy, you should get out of it. A good relationship should be a LOT more than 50% happy - should be more like 90%+. If you were to graph your mood in your relationship (like a stock chart), what would it look like?

There were a lot of times early on that I felt I should get out of the affair because I had too many doubts about why I was doing it, and I wanted to go back to feeling peaceful. I never could bring myself to end it, and I'm glad I didn't. It wasn't that OM ever made me unhappy, just that I wanted to not have something to hide. I went through a lot of turmoil for the first several months, but eventually I discovered that not only was it possible to feel peaceful again, but there is far more joy with OM in my life than without him. My life would not be at all boring without him, but at this point - after almost 2 years together - it would have a big empty hole that no one else would fill. I no longer have the turmoil, and I hide very little.

At the same time, I still struggle. He always wants more from me than I can give (and we are both married with kids). Fortunately, he also understands when I need to set boundaries (such as, "Don't try to call me on my cell phone on the weekend, it's too stressful to have to remember to turn the phone off every time I walk back in the house"). But, like any good relationship, it's worth the effort. If it were just about sex, or distracting myself from a bad relationship or boring existence, it would not be worth it. This relationship is more like "an auxiliary marriage," as one friend from here described it.

I did wonder whether I was having a mid-life crisis when it began, and it's possible it was. It certainly awakened me to how closed off I had become to certain things in life - all the many possibilities. I had let myself get very caught up with "I must do this, I must do that." Life is so much more than obligations. On the other hand, I had also come to view some of my blessings in life - especially my children and my job - as only obligations, and had stopped finding the fun in them. OM awakened a sense of playfulness and fun that I needed to really start living life fully again.

So in that sense, a midlife crisis is not such a bad thing. Only you can decide what to do with the self-knowledge that an affair can open up. If you've never been to counseling, that can help, too.

Good luck.