personal conflict and turmoil

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
personal conflict and turmoil
7
Wed, 11-12-2008 - 10:34pm
My ap seems to be feeling so much inner conflict and turmoil. A lot has been going on in his personal life that is very emtional. We met on monday, he told me of his problems and fights with his wife. The problems in his marriage have created conflict with in hisself. I seen it today. He stopped by to see his buddy. I parked his car off to the side so I would and wouldn't notice it.I struggled with in myself for about 30 minutes to decide wether I should call him, I did. He said he was busy, but made time for lunch. It turned into a 2 hour lunch. We talked more of his marriage. His wife told him she was taking the house, he told her he gets half her savings. He said it got very abusive. He called a friend and said he went out last night until 3am. He needed to get away. He said between losing his job and his home life, sometimes he needs space and doesn't want to talk to me. He said he never wants to dissapoint me or let me down, so he never tells me no. I told him, if you don't want to talk, just tell men send me an email, or an I'm saying today I need space. He's terrified ill take it personally and not understand. We all need time alone. Ill give him space. We talked of an email I sent him. I told him sometimes I wish I never told him ilu. He said he knew. He told me again tonite he always misses me and I hold a very specail place in ho heart, he does love me. He has so much conflict it creates pain in his heart. He shouldn't be feeling what he's feeling and needs some distance. He fights with himself to stay away, but can't.like today. He wanted to see me, but fought with himself not to.he says he doesn't want to burden me with all his problems. I told him I don't mind. I cried a little because I love him so much, it hurts. I don't want him to see my tears. He also showed me today where he had my cell number hidden in his phone. He's never, ever called it, but he has it.seems when men have pain and conflict, they pull away. My ap is terrified of ever letting me down. He doesn't have to prove anything to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2008
Fri, 11-14-2008 - 1:16am

I've read some of your threads, so I know some about your situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Fri, 11-14-2008 - 7:47am
it's been almost a 2 year affair. i know my relationship with him has created some of his conflict, being unemployed, being his wifes puppet, and he needs another car. i've seen him go through before. he told me i don't ever want to let you down. he has said ilu, but then it creates guilt for him. i do give him a lot space and time. i worry about his mental well being. i know being unemployed has created great stress for him more then anything else. to let you know this affair was never suppose to be an affair where either one of us was going to leave our marriages or develope any feelings for one another. it was no obligation, no strings attached affair. at first it was a couple of lunches, small talk, and sex. then after a year it turned very personal, less sex, and very emotional. that's when i fell in love with him. funny part is, it never bothered me before when he left, now it hurts. when he lost his job, i was devestated, that's when i told him i loved him. he told me he already knew. i felt if i never saw him again, it least i told him how i felt. we had nc for 3 weeks. he wanted to do right by his marriage, he did break down and emailed me. by any stretch we don't talk or see one another half as much as we use to. i know what you are saying, it makes sense.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Fri, 11-14-2008 - 7:57am
i didn't add this with my other post, he's with his wife because he still loves her believe, and 2 small boys, finances, comfort of a home, retirement, turning his kids lives upside down.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007
Fri, 11-14-2008 - 9:14am

Tori,

I understand your concern for your AP.you must understand as well that he is in a very tough spot.all you can do is listen to him ,be supportive and advice where possible.The only thing it will result is in bringing you both closer and emotional bonded! and believe me, sex is amazing when one is vulnerable! An A will never help a M.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2008
Fri, 11-14-2008 - 9:18am

I agree with what Santoria wrote.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Fri, 11-14-2008 - 9:27am
i do listen and want so badly to help him. i know i can't, but i'll always be there for him.
i know an affair doesn't help a marriage. sometimes it's so painful.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Fri, 11-14-2008 - 9:29am
ditto, to the last sentence. it's up to him. i can't do it.