Pesky Hope
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| Wed, 01-28-2009 - 2:20pm |
Hi all, I've posted a few times, been bouncing between MAS and EAS - feel safer here as I am not ready to commit (for real) to NC.
Basics: I'm SW, he's MM. 1.5 years, he swears he's working on ending the marriage, but it's as sticky as they get between child custody and money matters. All cake-eating aside (how funny to see that's a technical term here, we've always joked about that moniker), I truly believe the real reason he's hesitating is because he's afraid of losing his young son.
Been really struggling w/breaking it off, finally did on 12/22, but we've still been talking, seen each other a couple of times (he got hit by a car during one phone call, so lots of drama around that week) finally last week I pressed NC on him and made it about 36 hours... he begged to come see me this past Monday so we could have some real time to discuss what's really going on. He had to postpone to Tuesday because of work, and now he's been snowed in for two days. So, still waiting for what he thinks is really going to change it, but he's thrown out a few specifics, dates, details that need to happen to really get the ball rolling again (it was rolling well until June when he had a health scare) and I'm feeling hopeful again.
I'm a little irritated w/myself. I'd really worked myself into a spot to say goodbye, deal with the loss of my best friend and what I really saw as my future... and with just a few words I can feel that I'm ready to stick around if he can give me something real to hold on to.
I keep typing/erasing - just the process of typing this out is making me think/re-think. Guess I have to say that the hope never went away, I am partially trying to end this before 'I'm really done now', because of my history. In 'normal' relationships I think I've been too late in putting my foot down on what's tolerable, end it, then they always come back having fixed whatever issue happened... but it was always too late.
So, I guess I never lost the hope, but just feeling impatient (as always) about hearing what he's got to say that might change my mind.
I want a life with him. I'm willing to go on with the craziness for a short period of time (60 days, he says 120) if I see progress, but not another year of my life. I say this mainly because I can see that our first year or two together are not going to be that darn easy, so let's get started with THAT insanity already... we've been here long enough.
argggg! No real questions, but typing this out has helped think through it a little more. I need some concrete plans from him or I have to move on.

I
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I ended up where I needed to