Petty but hurting

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Petty but hurting
8
Wed, 10-29-2003 - 9:02pm
I think I have had about all I can take in my life. I am so frustrated. My mother in law just annoys me. She does what ever she can to make me unhappy. Now she wants to prove that my baby wants her more than he wants me. She comes over, reaches out her arms to see if he will come to her and smiles when he does. I would ordinarily not have a problem with it but I know that she will walk around saying that he wants her and not his mother. She has control over everything else, and to think she wants to take my children from me too. I understand it will never happen, but I dont want her to use everything against me...I need to feel that at least she cant use them against me...or hurt me with my kids..she does enough of that with her son my husband. Help ease the pain. It hurts too much please.

Oops forgot to say that I am in an extramarital affair..and this isnt even her grandsom...but she doesnt know this...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-30-2003 - 1:21am
Hi Confused,

UGH, I've BTDT (been there, done that) with the out-laws, oops I mean in-laws, lol. MIL (mother in law) is as controlling as her son, my stbxH (soon to be ex H).

My first-born was a baby when I realised I couldn't let MIL treat me that way, and so I confronted her - I guess subconsciously I knew stbxH would take sides - hers - if I involved him. Everything I did was wrong according to her (and she was very nasty and vindictive and verbally abusive), and while I tried to remain "nice" about it and explain that is the way I did it with my own child, eventually I had to confront her and tell her...my house, my children, my way. I'm glad I confronted her before my children were old enough to see it happen and realise what was happening!

I could not change "her" in the way she acted, but I could affect a change in the "situation" in my own home - and, she was not going to respect me any less, as she obviously didn't respect me to begin with. She is still nasty and vindictive and verbally abusive, but not in front of me. And now I am seperated, she is nasty and vindictive to my children and about me when they visit her. Luckily, my chidren know what real love is, and how we treat other people regardless of whether we love them or not, because they learned that at home. No matter what MIL thinks or says to them, you tell me who they respect and love.

I consider it a good learning experience for the children - although I strongly dislike any meanness, especially to children, mine are learning what a good relationship is and isn't, they are learning to strengthen their backbone and self-worth, grow thicker skin, and that you don't have to love someone just because it is expected, oh and lots of other aspects.

It was a good learning experience for me, too, as I used my backbone - something I found easy to do when the children were involved (I should have applied that learning experience to stbxH sooner!).

Confused, only you have the power to allow her actions or words to hurt you.

Best of luck,

Meow

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Thu, 10-30-2003 - 3:32am
thanks for your post. It helps to know I am not the only one. I know I should not allow the woman to bother me, but to be liked by all is important to me. Hard to understand why she doesn't when I dont do anything mean to anyone. In fact I go out of my way. But these things make me want to change things to ensure it doesnt happen again. I don't know how much longer I can stay in this marriage. Husband is not controlling, he just has no backbone. He lets her treat me anyway she wants...and even supports everything she says. dont even want the baby with her today. wish I could find a babysitter right now to take care of him. She will not be using my child against me. If she keeps it up I will ensure he never sees her again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
Thu, 10-30-2003 - 8:49am
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Edited 10/1/2004 6:52 pm ET ET by sally289
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Thu, 10-30-2003 - 9:33am
Yes, please clarify what you meant by your son not being her Grandson...if you dont mind of course...The way I interpret it is that your son belongs to your OM/MM ... does your H know this? And also, how do you know this to be true? Im guessing he doesnt know or his mother would likely know to...

On another note...everyone needs to come to the sad reality that not everyone is going to like you. You can go above and beyond your call of duty and there will always be someone who just doesnt like you for their own reasons...so dont try so hard...you're not married to her...

cl-liberalgirl

callmeliberal@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Thu, 10-30-2003 - 7:43pm
I will agree that I am not married to her..but I dont think that I should be subject to her nasty treatment.. I dont understand why we all just can't get along..

In regards to your question, the answer is yes. I got involved with this man, and I got carried away. I realize the fault lies with both of us no one in particular but the end result was a beautiful baby boy. No my husband does not know he may not be the father, neither does his mother even though they just may suspect. I am not 100% sure this is not my husband's child but I am at least 90% sure. There is a slim chance that it is my husband's but everytime I think that he just may belong to my husband, it seems a reminder pops in my face to reassure me who the father is. You may call me crazy, but I may get an itch, see his privates which is almost an exact replica of his dad's his legs, which are also just like the MM they way he crosses his legs among a few things. Like I can't get away from it.

Ask me any questions, I am more than willing to talk about it. Just don't know what else to say now..

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Thu, 10-30-2003 - 9:58pm

Does OM know that he may have a son with you?? Ack!! I'm assuming yes, if he's the guy in your affair now.


I think I feel panicky for you because...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Fri, 10-31-2003 - 8:30am
You know, this isn't as uncommon as we probably all think. I read an article about infidelity once where a therapist said he/she knew a specific # of cases where men were unknowingly raising other men's children. It was a pretty high number and he/she also said that most therapists will tell you the same thing. It doesn't just happen on General Hospital! They call it "paternity fraud." The issue usually comes up when infidelity comes to light later in a marriage and a man begins to question whether or not his children really are his. Often a woman will leave a man for the man she has been unfaithful with and try to saddle the H with child support; in which case, the man will force DNA testing to prove it is his. There is a huge controversy right now because many judges are STILL forcing the fathers to pay, even when paternity fraud exists, because the father raised the child to a certain age believing it was his. Fathers are fighting to keep this from happening. But I'll bet you there are numerous cases of women who take the secret to the grave -- of people running around out there thinking they know who their father is/was, but really it was someone else!

I can't imagine the guilt that goes along with all this. Man! I want a child and I've laughingly entertained the idea of secretly having MM's baby. He's even joked about it -- saying, "Let me get you pregnant. He'll never find out it isn't his." But joking and fantasizing and actually doing it... Well, there's just no way. If the affair ended badly, you'd always have that reminder right there. That would be tough. Plus all the lies and secrets and how would you ever tell the child, "Daddy isn't who you think he is?" As for your MIL... I'm not sure of your age, but I know in a lot of marriages, men go through a transition period where they're torn between making their mothers happy and standing up for their wives. My H went through it too. We had a ton of fights early in our marriage about it, but toward his late 20s I started noticing he was more a part of my life than hers. Now he tells her like it is. I hope eventually your H matures enough to "cut the umbilical cord" and realize that you are the woman in his life. If not, you may need marital counseling to help him see the effect his behavior has on your feelings.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Fri, 10-31-2003 - 10:13pm
Powerful message there. It is difficult carrying around this secret especially those times mother in law annoys me. or hubby. Now I can't even say I wish I had not found myself in this situation. Because my little man is one of the best things that happened to me. When I say one, I mean between the baby and my older two children, they are all the best thing that happened in my life. I never planned on getting pregnant. It was a big surprise as it was..let alone, being pregnant at my age when I had finished. It is a difficult situation, but my little man will have all the love he wants. He will know that he is no different than the other two and loved just as much. I sure wish I could tell husband but that will only result in more pain. Pain I cannot inflict on him. As much as I have fallen out of love with him, I still care deeply for him and would never want to hurt him that way. seems crazy..but him knowing the truth will hurt him deeply.