Phone call from XAP
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|Sat, 09-01-2012 - 11:03am|
I'm still having trouble calling him X. He called Thurs to ask how I'm doing. He had wanted to meet this week to officially break up face to face but said he feels so awkward about being around me now. I did ask if he made up the anonymous phone call, and am confident now that he didn't. Creepy.
We talked for 1/2 an hour like we were old friends, which was both comforting and sad. He ended it because it's become too hard. Now that he's moved, his commute is over an hour each way; he will have to rideshare with SO some days and knows all of this will cut in to any time spent with me. He thought by ending it, I would eventually be happier and find someone who gives me what I deserve. He said for whatever reason he doesn't seem willing to do that, that it has nothing to do with me & he'll always regret it. He told me not an hour goes by that he doesn't think about contacting me and that he's just felt so empty & misses me. In 6 years, I don't think he's ever told me he's missed me when we've been apart.
He said what he has with SO is absolutely nothing like what he's had with me. They don't talk, he can't be himself, they're seldom intimate, don't hug or kiss, and they aren't really friends. It bothers him that I might find someone else or just realize in general that I'm happier without him. I've never really asked a lot of him other than respect & honesty, but with some of the health & financial problems I've had lately, he can't handle how lousy he feels about himself every time he leaves. It's always been hard & incredibly worth it, but he doesn't feel it is for me anymore.
I told him I thought it best we didn't meet in person for a while because a part of me is still waiting for him to say he made a mistake. I need more time to try to come to terms with this, if that's possible. I'm not sure I could go NC & am leaving that unsaid for now.
He'd taken more time off work to do physical labor to keep his mind off things, and was cutting down trees & moving logs - hurt his already bad shoulder and was on his way to the dr when we were talking. I asked him to send me a txt or email when he had a chance to let me know what they said. He ended up calling me back after the appt to tell me what happened, and we again talked quite a while about less serious things.
I felt and still feel so much better. Aside from this board, neither of us has anyone we can talk to about this, and I guess as I'm happy we can still be there for each other in spite of everything. He said a lot of things I needed to hear, too, and I'm not so angry anymore. After hanging up, I felt like I could finally focus on other things now! BUT, when the call ended he said he hoped to talk to me next week. I didn't respond because I'm not sure it's a good idea, but wonder now if his saying that was enough to put me back in a place of holding out hope or being in denail. I guess it's just nice to have a break from walking around all mopey & crying!! I'm going away for the weekend for a family get-together; it will be a nice change of pace.
Sorry for boring you with a play-by-play. I just needed to get it out. Have a great weekend everyone!