Plans always change/Am I being too tough
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 05-26-2004 - 1:06pm |
My OM is constantly changing and revising plans that we make at the last minute. For example last night I emailed him to see if I should plan on having dinner with him after my golf lesson or go out eat w/friends and meet up with him later. 10 minutes before my lesson he calls and asks if I can just go ahead and eat with friends b/c he is stuck at work.
Sunday, we were supposed to get together around 2 but when he called he informed me that he wouldn't be home until 8 b/c he had to work on his grandpa's boat and attend a family dinner. I could go on forever with these examples.
The struggle I have is that one of my favorite things about him is that he would drop anything to help someone that he cares about if they need him. He does this for me too. But b/c our relationship is the way it is, I'm married, he's not, its hard for me to constantly revise my schedule b/c I have to plan ahead to come up with reasons to be out of the house.
He constantly overschedules himself and it wears on me. I doubt this will ever change b/c he comes running when anyone needs him, which is almost always.
Any thoughts? Should I just let it go and not get mad when plans change? He never cancels-so should that be good enough?

Pages
You need to be honest with him and explain that it is difficult for you to schedule and reschedule meetings with him. It could put up a red flag with you H, something you don't want to do. He is single and a little more flexiable with his schedule. I would ask him to not alter anything the two of you have schedules unless it is an absolute emergency. He should understand that it's for your own good so you don't get caught.
Good luck!
So do I know how you feel? Uh YEAH. I just thought I would let you see someone elses situation so maybe you can feel better about yours!
dd
Before I moved out, it was easier to schedule with my OW. We had lunch almost every day, I'd see her for a few minutes on the way home, or if something availed itself I could schedule to make a date for us. Very rarely did I have to cancel or really even adjust the time.
However, now that I'm out of the house and in my own place, she sees more of me. Every night, in fact. But she's frustrated because I still have a very busy life. I don't think she understood before just how busy my life was but how little she was affected because she was a "scheduled" commitment. Not much has really changed in some ways because I still have city board meetings to attend, work requires an extra hour here and there, I still do things with friends, music commitments, etc.
I lose hours here and there. I don't mean to, it just happens. I say I should be able to go by my apartment, be changed, eat or whatever I need to do and be there by 6. Then I'm at work a few minutes late with a problem, I forgot I needed to stop at the store, I stop for two minutes to read a magazine article that came in the mail, etc. Next thing I know, it's 7 when I get there and she's a little put out. I'm going to be there all night, spending the night even, and she is still miffed that my time is so alterable.
But that's me, I'm a soft touch for pretty much any reason, I tend to live life in the moment and I'm trying to fix it. I'm semi-single now, and that makes it worse I guess, but it's still an adjustment for her to realize that this is what life with me is like if you're my SO. She has also called me at work and needed something and I've left projects hanging to run an errand for her, but she doesn't think of that. And in fairness, none of us every do -- it's just human nature.
I guess that's my way of saying it could be much more significant if you were his GF/W or other more permanent/full time position.
Anyway, I agree with the posters that said to tell him that frequent changes makes it hard to meet. He probably doesn't put it all together in that way. That and the fact that us "helpful" types are too easy to manipulate by whomever is standing in front us means that we seriously overcommit and mean to keep every one of them we can.
rain
Its good to hear the perspective of an over-giver. I could've guess that about you =-)
So are you telling me to expect this to worsen when I become single and we continue on with our relationship? If so, from your perspective, how do you recommend I have a discussion with him about this? I want the discussion to focus on this not being a problem when we are together full time. I have a problem, when these things happen, that I am last on his list and I don't want this to carry over into our "permanent" relationship.
What would work best for you in a conversation?
(oddly enough, my nickname for my OW, so it always feels weird reading your posts...)
Am I telling you this will worsen?
I don't really think that's what I'm saying. I'm just suggesting that it may become apparent down the road that you are not the only recipient of his time shifts, and that as you share a schedule/life more, you will notice that he is overextended more than you think. That's not getting worse, that's just you getting more exposure to his life. The winter doesn't get colder when you go outside, you're just closer to it...
What would work best in conversation for me?
Geez, I have no idea. I'm sure my OW would like to know, as well. LOL.
Seriously, there isn't a whole lot to be said to me about it. I call, I communicate, I say that I'm running behind what I expected, etc.
What could be said? "Don't go to the store, come straight home." "Don't let work keep you late." Nope. Neither is practical. This is my life, and while she is extremely important, I can't set aside my entire life just so I can be there an extra hour each evening. It's a little challenging because I was upfront from the beginning that I lead a busy life, but I guess we were on a different playing field in terms of what "busy" meant.
Now, if you're talking about changing plans she and I firm as a couple... well, I don't really change those. Even before I moved out I very rarely allowed anything to interfere with plans I made with her. I just don't change plans with anyone once I make them, I think it's pretty insensitive regardless of who it is. Last weekend she tried to get me to cancel plans with friends to do something with her, and while I wanted to, I wasn't going to cancel out on my friends at the last minute without some emergency. Like I told her, I wouldn't do it to her just because me friends had a better offer, I'm not going to to it them because she wants to do something that sounds more fun.
I suppose you could tell him that while his flexibility and accessability to people he cares about is admirable, when you have plans together he needs to maintain them unless it's an emergency. The OW has told me she expects that I will make her and our relationship a priority, which I do, but there is some discrepancy between what "priority" means. I think part of that is because I have a very busy life and she has a very quiet, slow life. I don't seem to be doing very well communicating that she is a priority, and she doesn't seem to be doing well communicating to me what she considers to be a reasonable schedule. It's something we're working on.
I'm sorry, I guess I don't have much advice today. I'm too close to this one. In fact, I'm in the middle of a tense moment with the OW this hour because I'm helping a friend's band tonight instead of rushing over to her apartment right after work. I agreed to do this weeks ago and it's taking some time each week, but I'm not canceling plans with her to do it. Still, she is pouting about the fact that it will be a few hours until I'm there, and I actually find it amazingly frustrating that she's being so selfish.
Actually, I hope someone else has some advice. I could use it right now.
rain
I dont' mean to highjack this thread, but I am having some issues with just about this same problem. When MM and I decided to get back together he asked me what I wanted to happen. I said I wanted things back the way they were but with better communication, so if he only wants to get together once a month then fine just let me know that. He was agast and said "ONCE a month?!!" Well since then (Jan) we have gotten together close to 2 times a month. He an extrememly busy man, and I am assuming here that that busyness has been constant. HOWEVER, the last two months it has trickled to 1 time a month or LESS. We were last together May 3 after 4 weeks. Now he is leaving on Tues for MORE than two weeks on business overseas. I have talked sexy to him on the phone to no avail. He just is too busy.... meetings back to back, investor with him all day... ect. I spoke with him today around 4:30 while he went to pick up his son from school, we were trying to get together before he left on Tues last night on the phone. Today when we talked I brought up the fact of how long it has been and how long it will be if we don't hook up before he goes. He said "well I dont' exactly stock shelves for a living, a week to me is like a day to most people." I told him I understood, but I know my attitude showed through in my tone of voice. Our communication is atrocious (so is my spelling :)). He had to hang up because he was entering his sons school... and just said "Speak to you later!" I know I won't hear from him and he will leave for England on Tues and not hear a peep from him while he is gone. He will come back and again be behind because he was gone so long. I am just starting to wonder if he is putting space between us intentionally. I sent him an email telling him how I felt a week ago Monday and the next day he was in a great mood on the phone wanting to see me and all... but I couldn't that day (very rare). So I guess what I am trying to say or ask is what your take is on this. In the email I didn't use the "l" word just told him pretty much just what he has told me so he knew I felt the same.
Give me your male perspective... you think he is really just a lot more busy or is he ducking and jiving?? LOL
You can say -- well sorry I can't meet you after golf I am meeting my friends -
If you are constantly giving him options such as meeting your friends or meeting with him he's going to think he's holding you back from seeing your friends and if he is a 'giver' as you described then he's only doing it so you can have some time with friends -
It is hard to deal with sometimes but it happens -
Once I was supose to meet my MM after I got off work - instead my H surprised me and took me to lunch - I couldnt' even phone MM to tell him because I was with my H - so I totally stood up MM but he understood, it's all part of what's involved in an EMA -
If you start getting tough he's going to not going to want to spend time with you or feel like you are too needy - - -
If it bothers you too much you may just have to arrange for something else such as a specific time of the week - but even that can interfere with plans -
Each situation is based on the two individuals involved and you just have to figure out what works for both of you
you have to be understanding otherwise why would he bother ??
Kikki
I notice when I am about to leave on vacation I tend to put space between MM and I -
It's sort of a gentler way of getting him through the days he won't have me there
sort of a dress rehearsal -
My MM is the same way very tied up with a move with his business and it's been 15
minutes here and there on the phone...and that is NOT at all like us
When we did talk for an hour yesterday he was like...gawd we talked for an hour ???
It felt like 2 minutes !!!!
I know he wants more time with me -- but I tend to push him back because I can't
honestly give him that --- he will take anything - even if I say I have 10 minutes meet me at the post office while I buy stamps -- he would be content just standing there next to me or even waiting in the parking lot - that is just how he is -
I don't think he's ducking out on you I think he is trying to prepare you for the long NC that is approaching but just doesn't want to "remind" you ....
Because when I am about to go away my MM will say...don't "Remind" me you are going to be unavailable.....just wait til you get home though..
so maybe just spice it up that way -- you may get some bonus time if he feels you are being so understanding
Really any time with MM is a bonus for me
Kikki
See, I don't get this. Even when my OW was 2000 miles away, I talked to her every day. Email every day, 80% of the time more than once. With a two hour time difference in her favor, I stayed up probably 95 out of 100 nights to talk online even though we talked on the phone and email during the day. I have made every effort to make her the center of my world, even before she was in my ZIP code.
And it's still the case -- it's not like "oh, now she's here, I don't have to bother." Talk on the phone in the mid morning usually, email a couple of times during the day, see her nearly every evening... and that was before I moved out and got my own place! Now it's even more.
To be honest, Dee, when you tell me that's all your MM has time for... I look at it and think, "Sheesh, he's barely trying."
Actually, that isn't fair either. I'm just being mope-y.
I think probably that your MM is just busy and trying to keep lots of things going on. We're all wired differently, and I know that on my busiest days it becomes much harder to keep contact going.
rain
Edited 5/26/2004 7:13 pm ET ET by raining_confusion because the first time he hit post he was busy feeling sorry for himself...
Edited 5/26/2004 7:14 pm ET ET by raining_confusion
First, EMA's do lead to cancelled plans occasionally. And if you're going to be in an EMA, you have to expect that you aren't and can't be their first priority. That said, 1) It suc*s - big time 2) Unless they make a habit of it, it probably is unavoidable and 3) If they make a habit of cancelling plans, you probably need to take another look at the relationship. Why are they cancelling? Do they put you on a par with the people they're cancelling your meeting to see or help? We are expected to be understanding about an occasional change in plans. But are you dealing with an occasional change? Or a character trait?
Now, especially to Rain, but also anyone else that's moving into a full-time relationship...
You've been handling this transition period with a lot of class, my friend. I'm sure that SO will become more easy with your other commitments as time goes by and she becomes truly comfortable with the fact that you'll be home. Keep talking with her. Be honest and dependable. Call when you're going to be late, but don't apologize. You are setting the standards and expectations for your future, (on both sides), right now. Make them fair and appropriate, and I'm sure you'll be fine.
And remember, she's still OW, with all the insecurities that go along with the title. IOW, she doesn't know the people you're helping and that makes them less real to her. If she's the caring woman you've described, once things are truly in the open and she builds her own relationships with them, a lot of that will ease as well.
But for my money, you're doing a great job!
Good luck!
Cazrida
Pages