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| Thu, 01-15-2004 - 12:07am |
Hi everyone, just need some advice...I have a wonderful marriage and great kids. My H loves me and my trust in him and his fidelity is absolute. I have never cheated on him either. Our life is great except...since I hit 30 I have become obsessed w/the idea of cheating on him, just for sex...our sex life is OK but I am bored, am having a hard time dealing with the thought of never being w/anyone new for the rest of my life. But the worst part is that I am obsessed with someone else, someone who I see almost every day. It would be next impossible to break off contact w/this person (H's close family member). How do you get over someone when they are in your face all the time? For the record I think this person knows I think he is attractive but I don't think he realizes I am obsessed. How do you deal w/sexual urges, should I have an affair w/someone farther away from home? Should we go to marriage counselling? Do you think if we went to counselling that I would have to reveal my obsession to H in order for us the get anywhere? (i.e. will counselling work if I am hiding something)
Thanks in advance for your thoughts
Thanks in advance for your thoughts

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Hi patsfan and welcome aboard,
At this stage I would say... don't do it.
Sweet
Co-Community Leader My
I have to agree strongly with sweet, get individual counceling find out what is really going on if you value your M.
FREE
I ended up sleeping with a co-worker a few weeks ago. He wasn't the man I thought I would end up sleeping with, but it sort of just happened. In hindsight I think I chose him subconscioulsly because he was available, I was attracted to him and he is someone my H would NEVER ever suspect (he's 20 yrs older than me and totally NOT my type). The sex was exciting and different, but not great. I mean the reality of the situation is that how could the sex be earth shattering the first time? Sure, it was exciting but I've been with my H for so long he knows every inch of my body and exactly how I want to me touched. OM was great, but think about the first time you had sex with anyone else before you we're married....sure it's exciting, but it's also a little akward, etc. When I had imagined sleeping with someone else I had always thought it would be mind blowing, so it was a little disappointing. Still, it was exciting and good enough for me to decide that maybe I should do it just one more time. Well, one more time turned in to 5 or 6 more times and now I am starting to get emotionally attached to OM. This week I have completely pulled back and am focusing on my marriage, and it is getting better. It's still really really hard to stay away from OM, but if I don't stop this now it's just going to get worse. I am in no position to have an emotional relationship with someone other than my H, and besides H really doesn't deserve this.
So, here's what I have learned.....the sex really wasn't worth all the heartache and confusion. Next time I get the urge I will close my eyes when I'm with H and imagine he's someone else. If I had just done this instead I wouldn't be having such a hard time now. Having an EMA (even if it's just for sex) is really hard.....all the lying and the constant worrying about getting caught....I dont' know about you, but I just can't do it. Plus, you said your H was a good man and you do love him....maybe if the situation at home was really bad an EMA would be warranted, but I don't think that's the case.
Go to counseling alone and tell the counselor all about your obsession....they can't/won't tell another person and I"m sure you aren't the only person who has ever felt this way. Maybe just telling someone will help.
Good Luck,
Bad Girl 2004
I HAD URGES....STRONG URGES....ESP WHEN I TURNED 30!!
WHAT IS IT WITH THIS AGE??...
AND SO , WHEN I DID THE DEED WITH MM....
I DIDNT EVEN GET TO "O"....
HE DID!!
HEY!!!!COME TO THINK OF IT,
IM FALLING SO MUCH FOR MY MM..AND THE 3 TIMES I DID "DO THE DEED"
I NEVER GOT TO "O"...GUESS CAUSE WE HAD TO RUSH!!
WHATS UP W/ THAT??
AND SO, GUESS IT AINT WORTH IT...
MAYBE ITS JUST A HUNT FOR ME TO FINALLY GET AN "O" AND GET ON W/ MY LIFE!!
I IMAGINED IT WOULD BE GREAT....OH WELL
TOW
As I said earlier, my marriage is really very good. H is a good man and treats me wonderfully. I am happy with him and our sex life is actually good. H is into pretty much everything and will do whatever I want him to. When I got married I had been with quite a few men (although only a few were long relationships) I was wild in college, what can I say? Anyways....H is definately the best out of all of them and I think that's mostly because we've been together soooooo long (8 years). He knows how to make me "o" and exactly what I like and don't really care for. Still, I somehow got it in my head that I wanted to be with someone else.
For me, I liked the idea of having no emotional attachment to someone and just having sex with them for the sake of getting off. I wanted to be held down and fu@ked. You know....I wanted hair pulling, smack me on the rear and make me beg for it kind of sex. The things you can do with your husband, but they aren't really "dirty" because he loves you. I know that sounds horrible and I can't even believe I typed that, but that was the only motivating factor in my going outside my marriage.
Here's what I found.....it takes time to get comfortable with someone else and learn what they like and what they don't. OM was great and tried really hard, but I faked it each and every time. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed myself, but I knew I wasn't going to reach the big "o" so I just faked it. Besides, he was so excited that he was having a hard time holding it off and a few times couldn't hold off to wait for me. Plus, there we're times I told him exactly what I wanted and he didn't do it.....and I ended up frustrated. I was laying there thinking "why don't you just do what I asked you too?" well, he didn't because he just wasn't the type of man to hold me down and be a little rough.
So, where does that leave me and why did I go back for more if I never even had an "o"? I kept going back for more because it was exciting and it was different being with someone else. OM kissed me differently than H and touched me differently....not better, just different. My A only went on for a month because I just couldn't take all the lying, etc associated with having an A. And, I was starting to get emotionally attached to OM. I mean realistically, how many times can you sleep with someone before becoming emotionally attached? OM was heading in the same direction...calling me at work and e-mailing just to say hi and see how my day was. I got scared and realized that I had to pull back. This situation wasn't fair to my H and isn't fair to OM either. OM deserves someone that can spend the night with him and make him breakfast in the morning or snuggle up on the couch and hang out, all things that I can't do. Also, I realized that while it's exciting to be with another man, my H is really the person I love.
It's very hard to end things though and I am still struggling with calling it off with OM. We work together and I see him pretty much all day long. I look forward to his stopping by my office to say Hi, but we had a good talk and he knows it's over and he accepts it and would never pressure me. Still, he was in my office earlier and I had to fight off the urge to reach over and hold his hand. I wish I had never started this, the sex wasn't that great and the emotional issues are hard to deal with. I often wonder if when my marriage really gets back on track and i stop thinking about OM will I feel guilty for what I have done to H? Will it eat me up inside? I truly hope not as I really think if I hadn't "stepped out" now it would have eventually happened. Still, if your smart you will stay away from this whole mess. It's really hard on everyone involved.
Bad Girl
either ur OM is my MM....or u are actually me !!
Everything u wrote..is happening to me!!
im married for 14 yrs...had one man in my life...H !
so for me, when MM made a move....I fell...as u did !
I wanted to see and feel another naked man.....have
another man touch me.....
So glad u actually typed what I was thinking!!
Its so hard!....I too dont know if I will have
those guilty feelings after...as u stated.
I truly hope that when an A is over...that these
MM dont look at us later and think any less of us !
TOW
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