please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
please help
15
Thu, 01-15-2004 - 12:07am
Hi everyone, just need some advice...I have a wonderful marriage and great kids. My H loves me and my trust in him and his fidelity is absolute. I have never cheated on him either. Our life is great except...since I hit 30 I have become obsessed w/the idea of cheating on him, just for sex...our sex life is OK but I am bored, am having a hard time dealing with the thought of never being w/anyone new for the rest of my life. But the worst part is that I am obsessed with someone else, someone who I see almost every day. It would be next impossible to break off contact w/this person (H's close family member). How do you get over someone when they are in your face all the time? For the record I think this person knows I think he is attractive but I don't think he realizes I am obsessed. How do you deal w/sexual urges, should I have an affair w/someone farther away from home? Should we go to marriage counselling? Do you think if we went to counselling that I would have to reveal my obsession to H in order for us the get anywhere? (i.e. will counselling work if I am hiding something)

Thanks in advance for your thoughts

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
In reply to: patsfan2003
Thu, 01-15-2004 - 12:55am

Hi patsfan and welcome aboard,


At this stage I would say... don't do it.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: patsfan2003
Thu, 01-15-2004 - 10:17am
HI Patsfan

I have to agree strongly with sweet, get individual counceling find out what is really going on if you value your M.


FREE

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
In reply to: patsfan2003
Thu, 01-15-2004 - 12:40pm
Well, I think this is a very common situation. I know that I personally feel the same way as you. My H is great, kind and loving and my trust in him and his fidelity is absolute. I have never even questioned it and I feel certain that he would never have an A. He is a wonderful husband and father, yet over the past year I have felt a strong urge to have sex with someone else. My sex life with H is good, but like you I was having mixed feelings about never sleeping with someone else again. I began to obsess about having sex with another man. I guess I was just a little bored.

I ended up sleeping with a co-worker a few weeks ago. He wasn't the man I thought I would end up sleeping with, but it sort of just happened. In hindsight I think I chose him subconscioulsly because he was available, I was attracted to him and he is someone my H would NEVER ever suspect (he's 20 yrs older than me and totally NOT my type). The sex was exciting and different, but not great. I mean the reality of the situation is that how could the sex be earth shattering the first time? Sure, it was exciting but I've been with my H for so long he knows every inch of my body and exactly how I want to me touched. OM was great, but think about the first time you had sex with anyone else before you we're married....sure it's exciting, but it's also a little akward, etc. When I had imagined sleeping with someone else I had always thought it would be mind blowing, so it was a little disappointing. Still, it was exciting and good enough for me to decide that maybe I should do it just one more time. Well, one more time turned in to 5 or 6 more times and now I am starting to get emotionally attached to OM. This week I have completely pulled back and am focusing on my marriage, and it is getting better. It's still really really hard to stay away from OM, but if I don't stop this now it's just going to get worse. I am in no position to have an emotional relationship with someone other than my H, and besides H really doesn't deserve this.

So, here's what I have learned.....the sex really wasn't worth all the heartache and confusion. Next time I get the urge I will close my eyes when I'm with H and imagine he's someone else. If I had just done this instead I wouldn't be having such a hard time now. Having an EMA (even if it's just for sex) is really hard.....all the lying and the constant worrying about getting caught....I dont' know about you, but I just can't do it. Plus, you said your H was a good man and you do love him....maybe if the situation at home was really bad an EMA would be warranted, but I don't think that's the case.

Go to counseling alone and tell the counselor all about your obsession....they can't/won't tell another person and I"m sure you aren't the only person who has ever felt this way. Maybe just telling someone will help.

Good Luck,

Bad Girl 2004

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
In reply to: patsfan2003
Thu, 01-15-2004 - 12:47pm
Here's a question... Have you thought about using your imagination a little? When you're with H, close your eyes and picture this other man. To be honest with all of you, MM and I have never been physical but I've made love to him hundreds of times in my mind. Every time I'm with H, it's as if I'm rehearsing for MM. Will he think I'm sexy when I do this or that??? I think it's actually more fun than if I did go to the next step with MM. I've started to think that maybe if we do get physical, I won't be nearly as happy because then I'll want to be with him and not H. But then I've always had an active fantasy life!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
In reply to: patsfan2003
Thu, 01-15-2004 - 12:48pm
SAME WITH ME....

I HAD URGES....STRONG URGES....ESP WHEN I TURNED 30!!

WHAT IS IT WITH THIS AGE??...

AND SO , WHEN I DID THE DEED WITH MM....

I DIDNT EVEN GET TO "O"....

HE DID!!

HEY!!!!COME TO THINK OF IT,

IM FALLING SO MUCH FOR MY MM..AND THE 3 TIMES I DID "DO THE DEED"

I NEVER GOT TO "O"...GUESS CAUSE WE HAD TO RUSH!!

WHATS UP W/ THAT??

AND SO, GUESS IT AINT WORTH IT...

MAYBE ITS JUST A HUNT FOR ME TO FINALLY GET AN "O" AND GET ON W/ MY LIFE!!

I IMAGINED IT WOULD BE GREAT....OH WELL

TOW

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
In reply to: patsfan2003
Thu, 01-15-2004 - 12:52pm
My advice~DO NOT HAVE AN A WITH CLOSE FAMILY MEMBER! this is a disaster waiting to happen. it sounds to me like you have a good marriage aside from a boring sex life. that can be fixed though. there are several ways to "spice up" your sex life. don't have an affair with someone that close. it's too easy to be caught that way, and anyways, would this person be willing to have an affair with you? I know when i turned 30, i went through the same thing. i've been having an affair with a co-worker for a year now. it's alot to deal with, i couldn't imagine him being a part of the family. my advice, seek counseling now. there is too much to risk with having an affair if your marriage is otherwise happy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
In reply to: patsfan2003
Thu, 01-15-2004 - 3:14pm
Yes this situation is common. I have often heard that fantasizing with your H is great for your sex life...just don't tell him. For me, my H had been my one and only so that always had me wondering. I often had crushes but none ever reciprocated. When SG did I fell. The two times we were together I did not have an O either. The sex was not nearly as good as it is with H. We were on a couch, it was completely dark because he was afraid of someone "looking in". It was so dark I didn't even get to see what he looked like naked. With that and no O, I want it again too, but he has backed way off so I don't see that happening. What I am afraid of is I did not really get my "wondering" satisfied enough. C
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
In reply to: patsfan2003
Thu, 01-15-2004 - 3:33pm
Okay, maybe we can all help each other here. How many of us on this list who are thinking about having an affair are thinking about it because we THINK these other men can offer us something we aren't currently being offered? How many, like me, have had a limited # of sexual partners and either just want to experience what it's like to be with someone else or are excited by the prospect of pleasuring an "experienced" man? NOW...how many other people on this list were lured into their As for the very reasons I just mentioned, only to find out that it wasn't what they'd expected. That sex with an "experienced" man is no better than sex with an inexperienced one? I personally am infatuated with a MM who claims to be really good in bed. He has this raw sexuality about him and he's been with quite a few women in his time. I've never in my life been with a man who's been with another woman. (In other words, I was the first time for both men I slept with.) I have a huge feeling that if I did finally give in, I'd be in for a rude awakening. While my H is inexperienced, over the past ten years he's learned my body inside and out, as badgirl mentioned. He knows where to touch, what to do. What would MM know that H wouldn't know? What can I expect if I do, in a moment of insanity, give in to my urges??? Help us see the reality here and stop looking at it through rose-colored glasses.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
In reply to: patsfan2003
Thu, 01-15-2004 - 5:11pm
Well, here is my candid response. Hope I don't offend anyone....

As I said earlier, my marriage is really very good. H is a good man and treats me wonderfully. I am happy with him and our sex life is actually good. H is into pretty much everything and will do whatever I want him to. When I got married I had been with quite a few men (although only a few were long relationships) I was wild in college, what can I say? Anyways....H is definately the best out of all of them and I think that's mostly because we've been together soooooo long (8 years). He knows how to make me "o" and exactly what I like and don't really care for. Still, I somehow got it in my head that I wanted to be with someone else.

For me, I liked the idea of having no emotional attachment to someone and just having sex with them for the sake of getting off. I wanted to be held down and fu@ked. You know....I wanted hair pulling, smack me on the rear and make me beg for it kind of sex. The things you can do with your husband, but they aren't really "dirty" because he loves you. I know that sounds horrible and I can't even believe I typed that, but that was the only motivating factor in my going outside my marriage.

Here's what I found.....it takes time to get comfortable with someone else and learn what they like and what they don't. OM was great and tried really hard, but I faked it each and every time. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed myself, but I knew I wasn't going to reach the big "o" so I just faked it. Besides, he was so excited that he was having a hard time holding it off and a few times couldn't hold off to wait for me. Plus, there we're times I told him exactly what I wanted and he didn't do it.....and I ended up frustrated. I was laying there thinking "why don't you just do what I asked you too?" well, he didn't because he just wasn't the type of man to hold me down and be a little rough.

So, where does that leave me and why did I go back for more if I never even had an "o"? I kept going back for more because it was exciting and it was different being with someone else. OM kissed me differently than H and touched me differently....not better, just different. My A only went on for a month because I just couldn't take all the lying, etc associated with having an A. And, I was starting to get emotionally attached to OM. I mean realistically, how many times can you sleep with someone before becoming emotionally attached? OM was heading in the same direction...calling me at work and e-mailing just to say hi and see how my day was. I got scared and realized that I had to pull back. This situation wasn't fair to my H and isn't fair to OM either. OM deserves someone that can spend the night with him and make him breakfast in the morning or snuggle up on the couch and hang out, all things that I can't do. Also, I realized that while it's exciting to be with another man, my H is really the person I love.

It's very hard to end things though and I am still struggling with calling it off with OM. We work together and I see him pretty much all day long. I look forward to his stopping by my office to say Hi, but we had a good talk and he knows it's over and he accepts it and would never pressure me. Still, he was in my office earlier and I had to fight off the urge to reach over and hold his hand. I wish I had never started this, the sex wasn't that great and the emotional issues are hard to deal with. I often wonder if when my marriage really gets back on track and i stop thinking about OM will I feel guilty for what I have done to H? Will it eat me up inside? I truly hope not as I really think if I hadn't "stepped out" now it would have eventually happened. Still, if your smart you will stay away from this whole mess. It's really hard on everyone involved.

Bad Girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
In reply to: patsfan2003
Thu, 01-15-2004 - 10:05pm
bad girl...

either ur OM is my MM....or u are actually me !!

Everything u wrote..is happening to me!!

im married for 14 yrs...had one man in my life...H !

so for me, when MM made a move....I fell...as u did !

I wanted to see and feel another naked man.....have

another man touch me.....

So glad u actually typed what I was thinking!!

Its so hard!....I too dont know if I will have

those guilty feelings after...as u stated.

I truly hope that when an A is over...that these

MM dont look at us later and think any less of us !

TOW

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