please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
please help
15
Thu, 01-15-2004 - 12:07am
Hi everyone, just need some advice...I have a wonderful marriage and great kids. My H loves me and my trust in him and his fidelity is absolute. I have never cheated on him either. Our life is great except...since I hit 30 I have become obsessed w/the idea of cheating on him, just for sex...our sex life is OK but I am bored, am having a hard time dealing with the thought of never being w/anyone new for the rest of my life. But the worst part is that I am obsessed with someone else, someone who I see almost every day. It would be next impossible to break off contact w/this person (H's close family member). How do you get over someone when they are in your face all the time? For the record I think this person knows I think he is attractive but I don't think he realizes I am obsessed. How do you deal w/sexual urges, should I have an affair w/someone farther away from home? Should we go to marriage counselling? Do you think if we went to counselling that I would have to reveal my obsession to H in order for us the get anywhere? (i.e. will counselling work if I am hiding something)

Thanks in advance for your thoughts

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
In reply to: patsfan2003
Thu, 01-15-2004 - 10:42pm
Thanks for answering...I totally understand where you are coming from, I love my H he is the best ever but I have this insatiable urge to make out with this other guy, I am so infatuated w/him it's making me crazy! I am trying to work on my marriage but I see OM all the time, I know he is attracted but I think he'd never start an A and betray H so where does that leave me? Going out of my mind w/lust...yes I have MANY many times closed my eyes and pretended H was OM and it did give me a thrill but Christ how long can you be satisfied with that? It is like smelling cookies baking and not getting to taste one (bad analogy but you KWIM!) God if OM only knew...I wish I could tell him and be sure he wouldn't tell H, even if we never touched it would give me a thrill to know that he KNOWS what I am thinking. But I usu hide it b/c if we are together then H is there too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
In reply to: patsfan2003
Thu, 01-15-2004 - 10:50pm

Let me tell you what worked for me and DH....


I've always had a hard time staying monogamous, since I was 16 and just dating. I've got a major wandering eye and it constantly got me in trouble. This is my second marriage, and in the first few years of our relationship I cheated quite a bit. A year or so after I'd stopped doing that, I came clean to him and told him everything, expecting to be divorced shortly. He just said, "Oh. Okay." Weird. In short, he's just not the jealous type (which drives me BATTY) and just trusts me.


Flash forward to three years after that...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
In reply to: patsfan2003
Fri, 01-16-2004 - 10:38am
Hi, I did exactly this...the tension b/t us was driving us both crazy so I finally sat him down and said look, I love you, I want our marriage to work but I am losing my mind b/c I have so many sexual desires, I feel like I am on fire and it is making me tense and unhappy, blah blah blah. H was understandably hurt and upset but at least he did appreciate my honesty and the fact that I was talking to him about it instead of being cold and distant like I've been lately. I too have a wandering eye, like you I was married before and it ended for many reasons but one was b/c I was obsessed w/someone else...I want to be in a secure relationship and have a happy home but I have a real hard time being sexually monogamous, it just goes against my nature. We have been married 5 yrs (today in fact) but i have never cheated on H, haven't had any major desire to until I turned 30 last year. So anyway we talked about having an open marriage, we taked about a threesome or swinging, we talked about me cheating on him and never letting him know...bottom line is he does not want these things, he wants a committed monogamous relationship. He has no urges to stray whatsoever (I wish he did!). I agreed to work on my feelings, try other outlets, and be faithful but I do not know if I can do it forever. If in the future I sit him down and say I have tried but I can't do it, I need an open marriage I think he will leave me (not sure though, there's a possibility he would agree but he would hate it.) So for now I am going to work on my marriage and try to get thoughts of H's brother out of my head!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
In reply to: patsfan2003
Fri, 01-16-2004 - 10:45am

I'm *really* glad you talked to him about this!!!!!


I understand it's a big ix-nay on openness or swinging...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
In reply to: patsfan2003
Fri, 01-16-2004 - 2:43pm
I don't know, I think women peak sexually in their 30's or so I've been told! I know I was really depressed to leave my 20's, I felt old-- now I am 31 and getting adjusted I guess. I know it is silly to care so much about a number! My H is chalking up some of my desires to my age, he thinks it is a hormonal/biological thing b/c it really started kicking in just this year. Maybe he's right, I don't know...but I am glad he thinks that b/c it kind of gives me an excuse, other than just being unsatisfied and greedy! H might agree to observation...he did say that when he was single he sometimes would fool around w/a girl while his friend did the same in the same room. He said he'd be willing to do that again as long as there was NC b/t me and the other guy, or H and the other girl...the only prob is the only one I really want to do this with is H's brother and H said he could never do that stuff w/him b/c it would be too weird. I guess for now I have to be content w/my fantasies but frankly I don't know for how long!

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