please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
please help
9
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 6:17pm
Me and my partner met in highschool and dated for a year. I broke up with him when i went to college...because i wanted to experience life for myself and also i wasn't ready to give up my parents for him at age 18.(We are two different races) During our relationship i grew extremely close to his best friend...and most of the time when we were together...we spent our time as the three of us. It was like we the three musketeers. Anyways a week after i broke up with my partner...his best friend came to visit...and kissed me...a lot. Nothing happened...we just kissed. And then i stopped it...and said i couldn't do this with him. In the beganning i wanted to tell my partner what happened...but his best friend pleaded with me not to...because he thought it would throw away his friendship with him. So i didn't say anything. Two years past...and we remained friends...and then seven months ago we got back together. I was ready to give up my family and we talked a lot about marriage...we couldn't deny the fact we had feelings for eachother. We took a break...just give eachother some space to ourselves...nothing serious...just a simple break from seeing eachother constantly. During this time...The best friend told my partner what happened two years ago...and now its all over. He doesn't trust me...he feels betrayed. He thinks i am a horrible person. The things he says to me...are beyond painful. I know i shouldn't feel sorry for myself. But i will do anything to get him back. I love him so much...and i can't live my life without him. What do i do? How do i console him? How do i fix this? I understand that i'm the enemy. But im in desprate need of advice. Please...someone help

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
In reply to: ikappy21
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 6:55pm
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Edited 3/10/2004 5:06 pm ET ET by geek_chic
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
In reply to: ikappy21
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 7:17pm
We had broken up...but this is with his best friend...and he feels betrayed that i never told him...eventhough i wanted to....and he also feels that me keeping it from him shows that i am dishonest. All he keeps saying...you are not the person i thought you were. He doesn't call me a slut or anything that bad...its just a lot of...i deserve more then this...you are far far far far from perfect...and overall i am not a good person. And when i talk to him...he just makes me feel like i have no right to say anything. I have no idea what he feels...or how much i have hurt him. He said it would be a different thing if it was with some stranger...but since it was his best friend...its unforgiveable...i just...i dont know how to talk to him...or get myself across when he is like this. How do i make him see my side. I see how he feels...i understand...but i wish he saw my side. The fact that we were not together...and that...eventhough it was his best friend...i was vulnerable at the time...we jsut broke up..and he kissed me ...and i kissed back...because...i dont know...because i felt empty? I just...there is nothing i say...that is a reason...everything is bs to him...and everything gets shot back into my face. So there are people like you that make it no big deal...but for him...its so horrible...How do i make him see? How do give him solace?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
In reply to: ikappy21
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 7:45pm
deleted


Edited 3/10/2004 5:06 pm ET ET by geek_chic
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
In reply to: ikappy21
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 8:20pm
thank you...i really felt so alone until i read what you wrote. And it is amazing that i feel supported but i dont even know any of you. But thank you
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
In reply to: ikappy21
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 9:18pm

((((ikappy))))


Hrm....

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
In reply to: ikappy21
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 10:43pm
If i were the type of person that did get more physical then kissing...but see i don't. I'm the type of person...that doesn't do anything more. But i dont...at that time...it was the highest form of intimacy that i gave. So in his eyes...its a lot...its all he ever got. And he feels betrayed because we were all so close...and we kept it away from him. I just i know you all say that its ok...but when i talk to him...im so wrong...i feel so confused.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
In reply to: ikappy21
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 12:01am
Ikhappy,

I know that you feel to blame for all of this but you had no ties to him at the time, so therefore nothing to feel guilty about.

I would suggest not talking about this with him until he has had a chance to get himself together, if he doesn't then he really doesn't care about you as much as he says. He has to want to get past this you cannot force him to deal with it all.

I really hate to see someone with their whole life ahead of them get into a situation such as M with someone who is not willing to see both sides of a situation. Because trust me there will be moments in the future will you wiil not agree with each other, Are you willing to feel like you do now when that happens? You deserve someone who can understand you and your emotions

Good luck

Let me know how it turns out

SB

 Seeburg    

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ikappy21
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 3:42pm
21 -- i'm sorry you're going through this, really, i am! i just don't understand why your man is upset with you. after all, this happened two years ago, you stopped it and never pursued the OM, who is, by the way, some best friend!

why is your R over? your partner trusted you for all those years, but one incident is going to end everything?? i just get pissed when someone is being unreasonable. i know he is hurt, but really, if you think about it, you didn't have a long-term A or even have sex, it was just some kissing, for goodness sake.

that said, i'm not sure you can "get him back" unless he wants to get back together with you. tell him you love him and that hasn't changed and didn't change two years ago. let him know you could have made a much different decision back two years ago with his best friend, but didn't. you want to be with him. and then you have to leave him alone to think about where his future lies -- with you or without you.

good luck, honey!

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
In reply to: ikappy21
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 7:26pm
Right now i don't want him back...i want myself back. I feel like im nothing...im worthless...im trash...because these are the words he uses. I don't know how to begin again. I have no way of standing up for myself. I'm not the type of person that is good at yelling back...anythin i do say...he has something even more horrible to say about my character. It was a mistake...and i understand his pain...but...i can't do this...im barely hanging on by a thread here...and i can barely breathe sometimes...i have no self confidence...it was erased with his words. How do i survive this...emotional bashing?