Please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2014
Please help
23
Sat, 05-10-2014 - 8:31pm

Hi, I have been lurking here for quite awhile. I have been involved in an affair for a little over a year. My affair was uncovered by my spouse a week ago (he asked me if I was seeing anyone and I told him the truth). I have been put in the unenviable position of having to choose which man to be with. Does anyone have any advice for me as I make this heart-wrenching, life-changing decision? (Haters need not respond; I will not engage with haters.) Thank you.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
In reply to: khatru1
Tue, 05-13-2014 - 11:45am

I agree there are many couples who have mixed-faith relationships. In your situation you and your H are on very different pages. He is a hard core fundamentalist by the sounds of it. You don't agree with many of his views. That seems to be a core component of fundamentalism is its their way of the highway. If you don't believe that, then the very foundation of your relationship has been undermined and there is no way to fix that, no way to reconsile your differeing views. Your paths have been and will continue to diverge going forward. So it seems to me your only eventual choice will be to divorce.

With that said, I don't know that going immediately into another live-together relationship and/or marriage is the best choice. If you want to continue with your AP, then do so but do it in a dating fashion where you continue to live seperately but are able to see a lot more of each other. Then you will be better able to ascertain if you two are truly long-term compatible.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2014
In reply to: jas456
Tue, 05-13-2014 - 8:10pm

Thanks fissatore for the encouragement.

Husband telling me I can continue my other relationship-- I think this is stemming from his desperation, not a lack of love or lack of motivation to work on our marriage. When he first found out, his immediate reaction was, choose him or me, now. Now he's not pressuring me as much. I think he said I can continue talking to my AP because he is afraid if he makes me choose now, I will choose my AP. Does that make sense?

I agree with you about the religion stuff. From what my husband has told me, it seems like he would be waiting for me to make some kind of conversion if I stay. 

You have a good point about not rushing into things with AP. I'm starting to think that too.

I took Clarity's advice and started looking for a therapist. I think I've found one; I'm just waiting for them to call me back. I think I need someone to help me sort things out and make a decision I can feel good about. I am leaning towards leaving, but I just have other questions and issues that keep popping up (I think I pointed them out in my earlier posts).

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2014
In reply to: jas456
Tue, 05-13-2014 - 8:21pm

Thanks Khatru. I agree about how my husband and I are on different pages spiritually and how we will eventually drift further apart. I think he knows that in the back of his mind too (by him telling me he wouldn't be able to be with someone long-term with whom he couldn't share spiritual things). 

I'm starting to think that too, that maybe AP and I should simply see each other more and take it from there. When I think of doing that, it takes a lot of pressure off of me.

Thanks, y'all have been a big help!

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
In reply to: wClarity
Tue, 05-13-2014 - 8:25pm

Your situation is tough right now.  However, staying because you feel badly isn't going to help him or you. But if you feel even the slightest amount of confusion over whether to stay or go, maybe you can tell him so and tell him you need time to work it out...alone without him and without your affair partner. I'd have to leave the premises to do that...I don't know how you could set up that kind of situation for yourself...and, I'd be on the horn with a therapist to help me.

What kind of support system does your husband have?  He's been terribly wounded and floored. Who does he have to help him work things through so he can make clear decisions about what he really wants? Right now he's on an emotional rollercoast and so his feelings are all over the place...and his behavior will change from moment to moment as he processes this.  

Backing up, wanting to really think this through is good.  I can't tell you the times people have said, in retrospect, that they are glad they didn't choose their affair partner. The relationship would never had stood the light of day or test of time.  Yet, as I said previously, I know of couples now happily married to their affair partners.

You have so much to think about, and if you are leaning towards (not out of guilt) giving your marriage the ole college try, it's my opinion, because it seems only fair to your husband and marriage, that your affair partner step back and off while you try. You'll feel good that you put in your best effort...it gives your husband a chance to make changes; and if you and your affair partner are meant to be, you will be.

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
In reply to: wClarity
Tue, 05-13-2014 - 8:26pm

Thank you for sharing more information.

Normally, I would suggest waiting 'til the dust of the fallout settles, put your affair partner on the backburner if you think you want to make a go at rebuilding your marriage, or even if you are just unsure, go for some counseling to support and guide you and help you get clear about which direction you want to go.

You do seem to be a better fit with your affair partner. You didn't answer one question. Is your affair partner on board with forging a relationship with you? Did you both have serious discussions of being together eventually and how that would look? I don't mean look to others, just how do you both envision being together?

I know of several couples who have gone on to be together.  Everyone survived...even their mothers. Your kids are older and will learn to deal...or not.  It might go smoothly...it might not.  But we just can't control others and their feelings in life. And we can't not do something because we think someone will have a heart attack...seriously or not.

So again, is your affair partner ready for you...and ready to take on the challenges you will face as you 'meet the fockers'? lol

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Thu, 05-15-2014 - 9:36am
I left my first H for my AP many, many years ago and I will tell you that it was one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life. It was hard as h3ll but 20 years later we are still together and happier than ever. My xh begged and pleaded with me to stay also but I just didn't love him anymore. Whether you decide to leave or stay, make sure that you are making the decision for you and not because it is what your H wants. The best thing that you can do for your H and yourself is to be honest with yourself. One thing I will tell you is that you need to dig deep to find out why you decided to cheat rather than leave your H. I had to really dig deep to find out why and I realize that my exit A was a cowards way out of a bad M. I didn't have the courage at the time to leave before I cheated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2014
In reply to: jas456
Thu, 05-15-2014 - 7:50pm

Thank you Myrasfriend for the advice. I appreciate it.

Update: I saw a therapist today, it went great. I'm going to see him again tomorrow. 

My husband has been very depressed in the past couple of days. We talked about it, and he said it's because I am continuing to talk to my AP (even though he told me I could, but I understand). I asked him if it would help matters if I stopped communicating with my AP until I decide what to do. His response was an emphatic yes. So I did. I feel like I have hurt my husband enough; if I can lessen his pain by cutting communications, I will do that. AP understood. I am really hurting because I feel like my lifeline has been cut off. I didn't realize how much my AP sustains me. I have a feeling this may spur me to a decision sooner rather than later.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 05-16-2014 - 4:52pm

Late to the party but wanted to chime in.

My now DH separated from his then DW and moved in with me 5 months later.  Well, let me tell you what.....two years later of him being a "fence sitter" as we called it over in After your Affair I was done waiting and we had a brief breakup until he filed for D.  

It took another 5 years years for us to marry, and we will celebrate our first anniversay next month.  

I wish, oh how I wish I would have waited until he was divorced.  Point being, this isn't only about being fair to your DH, but also to your AP.  Of course, loyalty to your DH should come first, but be oh so careful right now during this time of indecision.  

Now that several years have passed I will occasionly bring something up from those first years together and my DH is just horrified over some of the things he used to say or do while living with me but still married.  Just trying to pound home how important it is to be careful while you decide what you want to do, or not do.  

We always used to say over on AAS to go NC (no contact) while deciding what to do.  

Keep us posted!  

Serenity CL making a marriage work 

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2014
In reply to: jas456
Fri, 05-16-2014 - 5:03pm

Thanks Serenity for the advice. I'll keep it in mind.

Why do they say over at AAS to go NC while you decide what to do? I've gone almost NC with my AP (we have slipped up a couple of times), and it is only showing me that my heart belongs to him. I miss him TERRIBLY and I feel like my love is only growing deeper and stronger during this time of NC.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2014
In reply to: jas456
Fri, 05-16-2014 - 5:05pm

Oh, and congratulations on your first anniversary! That is awesome!