PLEASE help advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
PLEASE help advice
7
Sun, 09-07-2003 - 1:09pm
I became very good friends with a MM at work and though we have not crossed the physical line, we have both expressed we have fallen in love and both agree taking it to the next level will make it WAY to hard to cope so we won't get physical. He says he never realized he was unhappy in his mariage until we met...says he didn't know you could be best friends with chemistry. We both agree it's ALL there for us in every aspect but the timing and the cards we were dealt gave each of us a different path.

He is a good man and does not want to leave someone he says has done nothing to deserve being divorced. I also don't want to leave 2 children in a broken home. He tells me he loves me. I ask if he loves his wife and he will only answer that he loves his family. He said if there were no kids he would've been gone even before ME.

Let's assume that this IS the real thing between my MM and me. Do I need to completely CUT OFF all contact until he either realizes he's in a dead marriage and fixes it or do I remain in a platonic affair so we can enjoy what we can of each other. I think if I was married I would be WAY more devaststed to know my husband carried on an emotional love then if he had a sexual affair.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 09-07-2003 - 1:19pm
Hi LLL,

I'm not quite sure what you're asking... he's told you point-blank that he has no intentions of leaving his M. So you're thinking of waiting around and seeing if he changes his mind, right? How long are you willing to wait? What in your life will be placed on hold while you do that? Forget what's fair to him or his W, this is about you.

If MM isn't willing to give you what you want and need, and it doesn't matter if his reasons are good or bad or neither, if he isn't going to give it to you, and he tells you that up front, it's no one's fault but your own if you continue in this and are unhappy.

On the other hand, if you can accept and enjoy what he *is* willing to offer you, without the expectation that one day it will be more, then there is no reason to cut off all contact or anything... just know where your relationship boundaries are and enjoy it for what it is.

I think you need to sort out what you really want from MM before you decide anything. Because he's already told you what he will and won't do. Is that acceptable to you?

Whatever you decide, good luck.

lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 09-07-2003 - 3:36pm
Why don't you ask your H what his opinion of this situation would be? After all, he's a player too, whether he likes it or not, whether he knows it or not. Lily
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
Sun, 09-07-2003 - 9:08pm
I have a question for you. In the beginning of it you said that he never realized that he was unhappy in his m until you. But later you said he said if there were no kids he would have been gone even before you. I don't know if you just worded wrong or if you even realized it. But if he did say both of those things, which is the truth? Something to think about. I applaude you for not going to the physical part. Me and my mm did not have that willpower. It does make things alot different. So be careful and decide what you are willing to do and what he's willing to do. Is there really a point to continuing this if you can't ever be together? Maybe for you what you have is enough and that's great if that's what you both want. Me? I couldn't stay around knowing that we had no future together. Anyhow, goodluck....Becareful...Please....
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2003
Mon, 09-08-2003 - 3:46am
Hello! My advice to your situation is (as difficult as it may be) for you to completely cut off all contact with MM, atleast until he is divorced. I have BTDT and from my personal experience I can tell you that all involved wind up getting hurt. I hope my advice is of help to you! Please let me know if I may be of further help. Good Luck, Cathy
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Mon, 09-08-2003 - 10:27am
I'm in the same situation you're in, sort of, but it's been going on a while. I knew from the first day he told me he couldn't stop thinking about me that I was headed for trouble, but I couldn't avoid it. I loved the attention and excitement. Now I'm hurting and I am too far in to let go.

Working together makes it hard, believe me. You can't get away from him no matter how hard you try. If they haven't already, rumors are going to start flying if you're spending a lot of time together... Even if you try to be discreet, people can see the chemistry between you. And you'll try to keep it from being physical, but you'll start crossing the line. First you'll touch...a little pat on the arm here, a little light brush of the back there. Then you'll hug, maybe kiss on the cheek. Then you'll decide a quick peck on the lips wouldn't hurt. DON'T DO THAT. That's where I started down the wrong road. The peck on the lips turns to deeper pecks, then next thing you know you're full-out kissing. That's where my MM got terrified and backed way off and now we're trying to get back where we started. But I know it's only a matter of time before his strength weakens and we're back kissing again and I'm not sure I know how to stop it from happening. I guess I have to find the strength to stop him.

I cry all the time now, especially if anyone mentions God. I look at my husband and how sweet he is and it breaks my heart. I worry CONSTANTLY where this is going. I lie awake nights, terrified my husband or his wife will find out. Mostly I'm just scared that he's going to break my heart, but the constant worrying breaks my heart even more. It would probably be a relief if he did tell me he couldn't see me anymore. At least then it would be over. But it's never really over...

Be prepared to have your patience tested constantly. He won't call when he's supposed to, he'll act different from one day to the next. The guilt will get him eventually and he'll hurt you, but then he'll be sorry for it. Kids really mess with a man. Leaving means they will no doubt lose custody. I don't even have kids and I can relate to how hard that would be for them. It's hard enough for a woman, knowing she's tearing up her own household and taking the kids' father out of the picture, but a man knows he's losing them except on weekends. Unless the marriage is just absolutely unbearable, they probably aren't going to leave for a long, long time.

And you're right about one thing. According to some study I heard recently, the first question a woman asks when a man tells her he's been unfaithful is: "Do you love her?" The first question a man asks is, "Did you sleep with him?" Emotional affairs are just as painful as physical ones. But, as my MM always says, you can't help how you feel. Don't we all wish we could?

I would tell you to run, but I know you probably won't. I'll just quote something I read here on the IVillage site that has stuck with me: "Hang on to your heart. It's going to be a bumpy ride."

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Mon, 09-08-2003 - 1:05pm
I feel like someone understands...I just wrote another post about my decision for now. Maybe you have some thoughts. I am just going to follow my heart, quit listening to others opinions (because there are so many I don't know WHO to trust) and hope that my heart can let go of the fact that we won't be together in the way we want and learn to accept what I can get from this...a really good friend.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Mon, 09-08-2003 - 1:06pm
I'm not married.