Please Help Me!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
Please Help Me!!!
6
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 4:14pm
I am so glad I found this board and I have a very long story. My MM and I have been having an A for almost 2 years, I went through a very rough divorce a little over 2 years ago and during that time we became close friends and one thing led to another. We have had a lot of wonderful times and also our fair share of hard times. I love him so much and hope to one day be with him, but here lately I just don't know what's wrong. In the beginning of our relationship he was very open with me about his feelings and he was the one to make the first move. I was very wary and wouldn't let myself fall for him for a very long time, he kept it up and finally my guard came down and I was and still am very much in love with a MM. For the last couple of months he has been very guarded and only tells me he loves me when I ask, I am so terrified that I have lost what little of him that I had. In the beginning he promised that he would never hurt me and I am slowly dying inside and don't know where to turn. I see him every day, we work together so what do I say or do to make him see how I hurt and miss him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
In reply to: rjh2004
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 5:05pm
Hi RJH... welcome to our little corner of cyberspace.

As a MM, I'll try to help what little I can from my perspective. Maybe it will help, maybe not.

Have you talked to your MM about his pulling back? It's possible he doesn't know he's doing it and is just feeling settled in the relationship you share.

Has he ever talked like he would leave his W or did you assume/desire that he would without his ever really saying so? He could be feeling some pressure now in regards to making good on promises he made or he might be trying to figure out what he wants.

For me, I know that as I was preparing to leave my W I went through a period where I known my OW was having trouble reading me, and that was a little bit on purpose. I was very concerned that as I was trying to leave I would cave to the guilt I was getting from my W and end up not leaving; I felt that if I didn't pull back a little from the OW it would be even worse for her if I didn't come through.

As much as I hate to suggest it, it could also be that his interest in the A has run its course. Maybe the sneaking around and such has gotten to him and he can't reconcile the risk with the gain. That doesn't reflect on you, that just means that whatever his relationship with his W, he has decided that walking the path to be with you is just too hard, that his unhappiness where he is isn't as extreme as he thought, or any of a handful of reaons that he decided to stay where he was.

As hard as it may be, you might consider confronting him. Yes, it may be very hard and even mean the end, but it might also lead to comforting truth and realization of what's going on with him. One thing is for sure: you'll continue to drive yourself crazy with this until you know for sure. So ask.

Good luck,

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
In reply to: rjh2004
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 6:08pm
Thank you so much for replying, sometimes I feel like I'm the only one in the world going through this. I have tried talking to him, I'll bring up something that is bothering me and he will just walk away. He tells me to just chill out nothing has changed and expects me to be allright with that when deep in my heart I know everything has changed.

I've even told him if he doesn't love me then tell me, I will hurt but one day I will be okay, I will make it through. He won't even do that, I tell him I love him numerous times throughout the day and I sometimes get a reply but most of the time I get nothing in return.

I asked a couple of months ago what I was to him, his reply to me was that if I would just calm down I was to be his future wife. His reply to that same question just this past Friday was I was a pain in the a** and just walked away with me trying so hard not to cry.

I love this man more than I have ever loved in my entire life and don't want to lose him.

Unfortunately I feel that I already have, I just can't and for right now won't accept the fact. I feel that I need to hear it from him, I need him to tell me it's over.

RJH2004

P.S. Help me with the abbreviations, I'm new at this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
In reply to: rjh2004
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 7:29pm
Rain

I agree with your advice. Confrontation is the only way to go when things get confusing. I am curious, as a waiting OW, has your story had a happy ending with you and your OW finally ending up together?

Brin

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
In reply to: rjh2004
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 7:54pm
Uh oh rjh2004...

Just hearing the way your MM talks to you reminds me of my ExH. Disaster all around. He started with the disrespectful comments such as you describe here but after years of being together it eventually turned to physical violence. If he cannot respect you and your pain and your love than he is very undeserving of it. I hate to be blunt, and I don't know your whole story but from where I'm standing I would tell him his W can keep him.

Sorry if this is forward but it's a very sensitive issue for me. I hated being talked to in that manner by someone who was supposed to love me and I hate to see it happening to others. Please believe me, it doesn't have to be that way. After 2 years my MM has ALWAYS spoken to me with gentleness, kindness, respect and love. We have had our arguements but even then he is careful and concerned about getting things resolved so we both are in a good spot, not the demeaning crap it sounds like you are being handed.

Please be CAREFUL and perhaps it's time to get out!

Brin

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
In reply to: rjh2004
Tue, 05-18-2004 - 9:46am
RJH,

Sweetie... dear...

He's telling you it's over. You just aren't listening.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. But when someone goes from "Calm down, you're my future wife" to "you're a pain in the a**"... well, I think that maybe it's time to pack your show and get back on the road.

I'm certainly not a therapist or counselor. I try very hard to be a student of human nature though, and as long as I'm not having to diagnose myself...I'm happy to toss out my thoughts to be entertained or ignored, your choice.

Did you go through any post-divorce counseling? If not, you might consider that now. If so, you might think about taking another round since you've got some distance behind you and the residual issues might be different than you had right after the divorce.

You say that you love this man more than any other, and you mentioned that your relationship blossomed in the shadow of your divorce. Is it possible that this relationship received a transfer of your emotional energies and that some of your compulsion to make it work with this man is an extension of unresolved divorce issues?

Maybe there are still some divorce/mourning of the marriage issues you need to work through that don't have as much to do with this man as you thought. I know for me I ended up going to therapy last year before getting more seriously involved in my A. I still have made lots of mistakes in my exit strategy from being married, and I'll probably make some more today. I understand how hard it is. But I'm also aware now that I can't simply transfer my energy from my marriage to my affair and hope to come out of it with no issues. It's taken some time, but I think my OW is finally understanding that too.

It's just a confusing, emotional, difficult situation. And it sounds like your MM is unwilling to confront that directly; it sounds like he's hoping you take the hint. If there's no reciprical loving remarks, no clear assurance of any kind about a future, and a notable pulling back... he's basically hoping you will do the shooting of this relationship so the blood isn't on his hands (boy, I'm sure dramatic this morning... LOL)

I wish you good luck. I know, it's hard and it sucks. But you're always welcome to vent it here; this is a good place to talk and feel heard.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
In reply to: rjh2004
Tue, 05-18-2004 - 9:57am
Brin,

Regarding your question about my story and a happy ending...

It's not at the end yet. I have moved out of the house to my own place, even though I've spent every night with the OW since moving out. I see my W at work, and we have lunch together sometimes because I'm trying very hard to make sure she knows I think she can be a good person, but that she and I are not good together.

I've gotten my W to go to counseling to try to understand why our M has reached the point it's at and why it's ending, and she gets it sometimes... and sometimes she is in denial. I haven't filed any legal paperwork yet, though I'm moving towards that. Most people don't even know we're separated because she isn't ready to deal with all of that. But it's been almost two months, so pretty soon I'll push that issue a little bit too.

Having moved out, I can much more objectively see both relationships. I sense the change in my body and mood from one woman to the other when I see them, and I can't imagine a scenario that would make me go back to my W now. I'm so tense and defensive around her. But with the OW I'm very happy, more peaceful and generally just content to be around her.

I feel pretty sure my OW and I will make it. If we've made it this far, the rest of it should be getting easier. She's slowly integrating into my life a little -- she and I went over to my best friend's last weekend and played cards with him and his wife, and that really meant a lot to her. It's hard because no one else knows about her, but in time they will and it will all wash out.

I guess the bottom line is that we're happy, even if I have lots of things to still get past before we can talk seriously about "The Future." But it's great to have what we have and for now we're happy with that. So yes, I think happy endings are possible. But the path to get to them is pretty damned hard to walk some days...

rain