Please Help Me!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Please Help Me!!
15
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 9:29am
Hi I used to post here a while back but I just started lurking because in August I just stopped seeing my OM no more calls or anything because I was tired of hurting...I am in love with this man...everything about him I love...we have known each other forever...we actually dated when I was 17 but we both had some growing up to do...now I am 23 and he is 26..he is still single and I got married about four years ago...I got married way to young..I love my H but I am not in-love with him...marriage is not supposed to be this way...I cringe at the thought of him touching me at night...I thought you were supposed to love to have sex with H...I hate it!!..from the time I stopped talking to OM in August I tried working on my marriage..it got a little better...but there was not a day that went by that I did not think about OM...=(...in those couple of months me and H decided to try and have a baby...well my friend came home to visit and her and I went to the club...well who do I run into...OM!! my heart melted...all I wanted to do was be with him...that was saturday night..I went to his house that night and sunday night and monday night...on monday I felt so sick to my stomach...I just felt like I had to tell him how I felt..that I was in-love with him....so when I went over he said what did you have to tell me...and I just said I know you prob don't feel the same way but I can't hold it in any longer...Im in love with you...and he just looked at me and said you can't say I don't feel the same way you don't know...its just hard on me because you are married and all the sneaking around just gives me so much stress in my life...we just layed there forever holding eachother and kissing...what do I do..Im sooo scared...I love DH...but can I actually live the rest of my life in a marriage like this...but something keeps me from leaving...its like I know I will regret it later in life..he is the best husband..or maybe Im just scared...and what if I get prego now...I will never leave!! am I just going through a 23 year old crises? is marriage supposed to be like this where you don't want to have sex with them and eveything they do gets on your nerves...and all I can think about is OM...how sexy and sweet he is...how we should have never left eachother in the first place...but I will not leave my for another man...I want to leave it for myself...but in my heart I now I never will...I am not strong enough...Im soooo sorry for rambling...please help me...thanks little

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 9:48am
Little, I'm in your position right now. Please don't bring a child into this situation. I have a 3 year old and it's killing me to get a divorce. I can leave and feel good but the guilt that comes when a child is involved is just heart breaking. I wish I had the advice you are asking for. I also question what a marriage should consist of. I don't think I love my H but is this a marriage? Do we settle for what we have because our spouces are decent people? Is there supposed to be a romantic love after a few years? Am I a hopeless romantic? Should I want to rip my husbands clothes off whan he walks through the door? Because now the thought of him kissing me is not appealing. I look at MM and my knees go weak, my heart flutters. I can't keep my hands off of him.

Good Luck to you. I hope you can find the answer in your heart. If you see yourself with your H years down the road I would guess that you love him enough to make it work.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 10:12am
Leave now! If you were old enough at 19 to get married, then be a 'grown-up' at 23 and admit you made a mistake and get out while little damage will be done. The minute you have a child, you have another person to think about and the guilt will keep you there. If you're miserable now, nothing will get better. And say you do get pregnant, will you know who the father is....Do you even want that drama in your life? Marriage is not supposed to be like what you are describing. And if there are no children involved...it's best to cut your losses now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 10:13am
little -- i agree with secret -- do you see yourself with your H even 3 or 4 years from now, with a child or two?? if you cannot see that vision of the two of you together, DO NOT get pregnant now. just tell your H you've changed your mind and want to wait a bit on that front. make up anything, cold feet, money problems, whatever.

the bottom line is -- would you be happier with H or without H, on your own?

good luck,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 10:30am
Both my wife and I were in the same situation as you. Now here it is 12 years later and we are both miserable but neither one of us can stand the thought of breaking our kids hearts if we split up. You seem to recognize this. Get out now and find someone you can share your life with. You have nothing to lose at this point, but everything to lose down the road. Please think this through very carefully.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 10:59am
No, marriage is not supposed to be like this. You got married too young. Don't get pregnant! Was this idea yours or H or mutual? BUT, don't leave for OM, leave for yourself. Be on your own for a while, enjoy your youth...C
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 11:41am
I agree with some of the others when they said do not bring a child into it! My XH and I were trying to have a child and then I started my A and right away stopped trying to have a baby. Which was hard to explain to XH. I just didn't want there to be any doubt whose child it was and I also new that I really didn't want to be there. The last thing I wanted was to be tied to him forever because I was too scared to tell him I changed my mind about us having a baby. I made up some excuse why I thought we should wait and I left before that excuse wouldn't hold up anymore. Although my XH was mentally abusive and yours you say is a good H, you still should take time to think if you really want to spend the rest of your life with a man that you cringe when he touches you. That's no way to live. It's not suppose to be like that. You're too young to just give up and settle. But no matter whether you decide to stay or go, I would seriously wait on the child thing. At least until you make up your mind. Do you want to have doubt in you mind about whose child you're carrying? And if you decide you want to leave and find yourself pregnant, that will just make it all the harder. Goodluck no matter what your decision is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 12:19pm
It was my decision first...why I don't know...I do want a baby...and I do see my self down the road with him....but...will I be happy..its just like I try to make mayself love him..why the hell won't my heart fill passion for him..I just get sooo mad at myself!! and maybe during those months with NC from OM I was trying to make myself belive it was better...but when I rean into him..all those feeling came rushing back...and then I start to think how wonderful my DH is...he everything any girl would ever want...I want to leave but everything keeps me from it...like my DH has no family..my family has become his...if I leave he will lose them...and everything he has worked for so hard in his life like our house his truck everything!! what do I do..Little
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 12:44pm
Have you talked to your H about these feelings? Not about the OM. But about houw you feel about him. I actually told my H that I had fallen out of love with him. He was crushed but he also realized how he was failing to make me feel like I was a woman and his wife. he did a 100% turn around in a matter of days. Try to talk to your H. Once you've tried everything then you will probably have your answer. Good Luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 1:22pm
little

Honey...please listen to the people on this board. You are so young and you have your entire life ahead of you!!! Think more about your marriage if you need to, but PLEASE do not get pregnant!!! Read through more of the posts on here -- you might just see a glimpse of your future, and believe me, it will only get more complicated and more heart wrenching.

Charlotte

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 1:30pm
I have told him how I feel way before any OM came along...I told him actually about two or three times...that I loved him but was no longer in love with him...we both cried soooo hard...he just kept asking me how can I love you with everything I have and you not return that feeling..and I just said I can't help the way my heart feels...trust me I want to change it but I can't....I even told him I wanted to leave and he was like fine if you need to leave than leave..but I never could bring myslef to do it....it would be sooo much easier if he was bad...he is great..kisses me every morning wants to cuddle at night tells me he loves me all the time and how pretty and sexy I am..and how I turn him on...I get all the attention from him that I need..it just does not feel right...how could I ask him to change when there is nothing he needs to do...he does everything right...Im the horrible one who does everything wrong..I wish I could just die..little

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