Please Help Me!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Please Help Me!!
15
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 9:29am
Hi I used to post here a while back but I just started lurking because in August I just stopped seeing my OM no more calls or anything because I was tired of hurting...I am in love with this man...everything about him I love...we have known each other forever...we actually dated when I was 17 but we both had some growing up to do...now I am 23 and he is 26..he is still single and I got married about four years ago...I got married way to young..I love my H but I am not in-love with him...marriage is not supposed to be this way...I cringe at the thought of him touching me at night...I thought you were supposed to love to have sex with H...I hate it!!..from the time I stopped talking to OM in August I tried working on my marriage..it got a little better...but there was not a day that went by that I did not think about OM...=(...in those couple of months me and H decided to try and have a baby...well my friend came home to visit and her and I went to the club...well who do I run into...OM!! my heart melted...all I wanted to do was be with him...that was saturday night..I went to his house that night and sunday night and monday night...on monday I felt so sick to my stomach...I just felt like I had to tell him how I felt..that I was in-love with him....so when I went over he said what did you have to tell me...and I just said I know you prob don't feel the same way but I can't hold it in any longer...Im in love with you...and he just looked at me and said you can't say I don't feel the same way you don't know...its just hard on me because you are married and all the sneaking around just gives me so much stress in my life...we just layed there forever holding eachother and kissing...what do I do..Im sooo scared...I love DH...but can I actually live the rest of my life in a marriage like this...but something keeps me from leaving...its like I know I will regret it later in life..he is the best husband..or maybe Im just scared...and what if I get prego now...I will never leave!! am I just going through a 23 year old crises? is marriage supposed to be like this where you don't want to have sex with them and eveything they do gets on your nerves...and all I can think about is OM...how sexy and sweet he is...how we should have never left eachother in the first place...but I will not leave my for another man...I want to leave it for myself...but in my heart I now I never will...I am not strong enough...Im soooo sorry for rambling...please help me...thanks little

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 1:47pm
little -- if you are so depressed that you "want to die" please seek immediate help from a professional!! call your regular doc and tell him/her you are having suicidal thoughts and need immediate help!! i'm serious!

but listen to me, and believe me, i've life two and a half lifetimes girl!! -- nothing and i mean, NOTHING, is worth wishing yourself dead! every problem is solvable and NOT THE END OF THE WORLD!!

you are not a BAD person because you might not love your H! your H is an adult and yes, he will take it hard if you and he break up, but he will not die, nor will you!! you will both move on and live your lives. i left my H at 35 with three children and absolutely no money, but i felt soooo much better and stronger after i left and we all survived AND prospered, and so can you!

yes it will hurt and you will have to start over, but as long as you have breath, you can do that!! it's simple really. just live your life the best you can, FOR YOU!

please think about this situation. if you are unhappy, why do you always want to put your H's happiness before yours? don't you deserve to be happy? if he can't make you happy no matter how wonderful he is, than he's just NOT the man for you. he just isn't and can't be. your H is who he is and that will NOT change. you've changed somehow and that's reality. live with it and make it work for YOU!!!!!


gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 2:15pm
you know gurl...I took your advise and on my lunch I went up to the mental help center to start the paper work to get some help..well I make to much money I would have to pay 150.00 and hour...I could never afford that..I have gone to get some help before with different places and it seems to be the same thing...I make to much money...Im like on that cap where I don't make enough to pay for it myself but they wont help me out any...it just gets really frustrating....me and OM always talk about how we thing Im addicted to the first love feeling...and I keep trying to tell myself that thats all it is...we have been together going on six years and that first love feeling is gone..that I should not leave him because of that....but to not want to ever have sex with him...arn't you suppposed to find them attractive sometimes? I just get sooo mad and stressed...I mean I don't want to lose OM I love him...but being with him stresses me out...I wish I did not have to sneek and hide...and its really hard to leave...I don't want to hurt my DH...and yes I always put his being happy way before mine..he grew up with nothing so I try to give him everything he wants..he is soooo spoiled..I just wish I could make myself forget about OM and freaking make my heart love H....my mom trys to tell me that the way I feel about DH is just a phase im going through that it will go away..will it really..ever go away? Thanks gurl its really nice to have you guys to talk to when I feel like im going crazy...little
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 2:24pm
honey, do you have health care coverage?? if you do, they should have some kind of referral system to mental health counseling and will cover at least half of the cost. check into that, if you have coverage.

and yes, we all go through phases with the people in our lives, parents, significant others, friends. but you have to ask yourself -- is your H's happiness and contentment with the status quo in your M MORE IMPORTANT than you being happy and content in life?? if you can't have sex with your H, if you don't want to kiss and cuddle with him, if you really don't talk about anything in the evenings or spend much time together, why stay in a R where you're just treading water?? you're young and no kids yet, so quit thinking about your H's happiness and think about YOU!

check into the coverage issue so you can talk to someone professional. if not, pay the $150 and go at least twice to get a fresh perspective on this situation. an objective third party (which is this board too!) can steer your head in other directions than you would come up with on your own.

good luck honey,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 3:10pm
gurl is right. If you are having too many suicidal thoughts its best to go to a psychologist/psychiatrist. Whatever you are describing is definitely not the end of the world and if you feel it its - you need help from professionals. Hope you find some help soon....
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 12:21am
Hi Little

I think you would be doing yourself and everybody a favor if you seperated from your husband and the other man for a month or 2 to clear your head so you can start to think more clearly about what you really want.

You and your husband are still very young and if you have to can start again, please no baby tell you do make up your mind.

By the way these boards are not objective we all have been or are involved in affairs and that fact colors are point of view in one way are another.

Your husband clearly knows you are haveing problems with the M perhaps he would agree to helping with the money to see a mental health professional.

Be well

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