Please help me, can't take anymore
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| Sat, 02-20-2010 - 10:32pm |
God, I hate this!
Our last date night, AP/BF got his knickers in a knot...I know, and understand why (had nothing to do with me) yet it kind of ruined our whole evening. Although I didn't see him the next day, he kept in contact and we resolved to see each other today (Saturday),
Well, I went to our usual pub...except I wasn't there more than 10 minutes when I got a text saying he was at a different bar. Told him I'd finish my beer and meet him there. Problem is, my first beer ALWAYS goes down hard and slow, and by the time I was close to finished..he was texting asking where I was and he would come to where I was. Great, right? Wrong.
I was playing pool with a very old friend (someone who used to be a team mate) and when I kicked his butt, he kissed me on the cheek...as he always does. However, AP/BF decided to pull his jealous act and totally ignored me for the rest of the time we were there. I was so po'd, I stormed out of there but decided to be a grownup and went back to try and talk to AP/BF. He was not willing to look at my pov at all, became a real smartass..and dropped me on my head...again. He was not willing to discuss anything with me tonight, and told me "let's try again tomorrow". I don't know if I can do this anymore. I came home and tried to swallow a bunch of pills, couldn't even do that. I just don't know what to do anymore.
This man is married, yet I'm not allowed to have any close friendships with anybody of the opposite sex whatsoever...and I'm at my wits end.
I will be honest enough to admit that I deliberately yanked his chain the other night. When he told me that he'd been with his ex-AP for 10 YEARS...I was devastated. So me, in my inifinite wisdom, told him about an incident I'd had, LAST SUMMER, wherein a man who I barely know (but is the boss of a girlfriend) asked me, out of the blue, if I wanted to f**k. I never told AP/BF at the time because I knew it would cause huge problems. However, he hurt me so badly with his "10 year" revelation, that I decided that I would do the same to him. I mean really, it's not like I took the man up on his invitation! I guess it's been bothering him, and festering, since I told him this.
I admitted to him tonight that I said it as payback, for what he told me about his ex-AP. He didn't care, didn't understand...and was not willing to discuss anything at all.
He then pulled the "I like you" card, but I don't know if I can keep doing this. The reason why I wanted, and tried to, swallow a bunch of pills. How in the world does he think he can behave this way when he's the one that's married? I gave up a very nice and comfortable life because I was so in love with him..yet it means nothing to him. He even went so far as to tell me that I should try and make up with my H...as if I could now that we're officially divorced! As if he would even entertain the idea...he knows that I gave up on us because I was in love with another man...who on earth would forgive that? I'd rather be alone for the rest of my days than try and backtrack. I have more respect for my ex-H than that.
I am in so much pain right now, how can he treat me this way? He has NO right. I hate myself more than anyone will ever know. Not for what I did to ex-H, oh no. But because I will put up with this behaviour from AP/BF because I love him, because I'm so very alone and lonely...how pathetic can I be? Oh my god, I'm dying inside..what do I do? How do stop this pain...I just can't take it. I have never loved anybody the way I love him...
No one has the answer except me, I know this. I just am so lonely, a little is better than nothing. Sometime I wish I was dead.

((((Benska))))) hey...
I can tell that you are in a lot of pain right now. I don't really know what to say, except that this man is not good for you.
It's so sad to see that WE are the ones who put up with the AP's / xAP's behavior. It's as if we LET them hurt us. And by staying in contact with them, it's not ever going to get better. We KNOW that they are bad for us, just like drugs/ alcohol.
I wish I knew what to say. I think you know you have to let him go. And I know how hard it is for you... I know. I have been reading your posts over the past few months and believe me, I know how difficult it is.
But isn't this A at least AS PAINFUL as it is when you are alone and out of the A? He is bringing you nothing but pain, Benska. You need to start taking care of yourself right now. Are you seeing a counselor?
Hugs
HTGO
Im so sorry Benska. I wish i could help you fast forward to a safe and happy place months from now where AP is no longer a factor of how you view yourself and your life.
I have been struggling with the words to support you but i am glad that i came back because HTGO captured my feelings perfectly.
Your AP is hurting you so much these days that you are thinking of doing something so awful to yourself. Why are you willing to give up the rest of your life for this man??????? What is so horrendous about you that you feel he is the only one you who will accept you? I have followed you for months now and i realize you are in very deep, but there has to be something else to make life worthwhile for you than the person that inflicts so much pain on your psyche.
Please get help in RL. We can only help so much here and when the resonating grief hits us like yours, we are concerned for you- even if you are not for yourself right now.
Take care and be safe.
Hi Benska,
It's me again. I am so worried about you. Do you believe you are addicted to your AP? I think you are, and I don't blame you because I have the same problem with my XAP.
Like any other addiction, we have to go into "rehab" to get better.
You have to believe there is more for you, Benska. You don't deserve this. Our "rehab" is to go No Contact if that's possible.
You don't work with him, do you? Does he live near you? I really think you have to avoid him at all costs. But no one can take this decision for you unfortunately.
I wish I could take all your pain away, Benska. This is not living life to the fullest :-(
hugs
HTGO
Thanks everybody,
Sorry I said all that. I couldn't take the pills...it was a stupid thing to do/say.
I wish I knew why I put up with it, I always used to be so confident. I think that I do it because if I let it go, it's like saying that I did this to my poor ex-H for absolutely no reason. I know that doesn't make sense, just not saying it right I think. I'm so jumbled and in so much pain, I don't really know what I'm doing or saying.
I feel like my hope is gone, and it kills me to admit that. I am just too messed up for words and since I'm not ready to give up yet, I really don't think counseling is going to help me. She as much as told me that the last time I saw her.
I'm ok though, really and thank you all. Sorry if I've disappointed.
benska
OMG Benska,
I'm sorry I just read your post just now. I hope u are doing ok. I feel your pain soo deeply, b/c I've been there and even tho he is my xap, I still have those residual feelings and pain. He doesnt deserve you or your love. You are such a wonderful, caring, and beautiful woman and deserve to be loved for the great woman that you are. Remember that you are special. I have to talk to myself like this b/c I have some deep rooted issues from way back when that have really left me dealing with low self-esteem and low self confidence pretty much all my life, so I understand the pain of not feeling like you are enough or special enough for this man who you have done so much for. It hurts like hell but we cant allow anyone to have so much control over our minds, our hearts and lives.
Yes, I think we've all been there. I know it hurts. I know you 'hate' yourself. It's human and we've all gone through it. We have to talk it out. We need the support of others. But most of all, we need ourselves. I have learned this the hard way. I have hit rock bottom. I have had horrible anxieties. I have cried endless nights.
Benska - If you're not comfortable posting your pain, talk to one of us one on one, privately via email. Sometimes we just need to someone to hear us out. Sometimes we need to bounce off ideas. Sometimes it's just the one 'magical' thing someone says and it helps us make it through another minute. You are not alone in all this.
Hugs!