Please help me. I hurt:(

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2013
Please help me. I hurt:(
5
Thu, 11-14-2013 - 2:36pm

Please give me some advice, because my heart hurts so badly right now.  I have been married for 19 years, together with my DH for 23 years total.  We have 2 great kids, ages 14 and 17.  This summer, I started an affair with my neighbor-a close family friend.  We had been interested in each other for years, but finally acted on those feelings.  We talked and spent much time together and it was wonderful.

 

About a little over a month back, I asked my DH to move out.  We told the kids the news and it was very hard.  Heart-wrenching actually.  He, my AP, came clean to his live-in girlfriend of 12 years and two weeks after that, he moved out to his own place.  They have two kids together also. 

 

AP and I have been trhu hell together since.  Between my DH and his GF, and just the rumor mill, the kids, all of it.  We have had some very hard times.  But I love him.  And I felt like we were finally, although slowly, moving forward.  I went to counseling, as did he,to sort thru the issues of our relationships, and we told each other everything.  We both agreed we needed to, to be able to make this work.

 

This past Tuesday, he sent me a text (AP), and told me he couldn’t do this anymore, that he was done and wanted to work things out with her.  I just about lost my mind.  I lost it.  The next morning he called me.  I went to see him and he cried.  He just cried and cried and told me how very sorry he was that he hurt me. That his little boy, age 9, had just broken down the night before and he felt like he had to let me go for his kids sake, because it killed him to see his kid hurt so bad.  I DO undertstand that.  I don’t like it, but I understand.

 

So I felt like we were OK.  Then today we talked on the phone, and he tells me he needs time.  Away from me.  He has promised me he will come back.  That he needs to focus on his kids for a while and get that straight.  That the 9 year old cries all the time, and the 16 year old wont talk to him.  And what can I do?  Be a B**ch and NOT let him focus on two innocent kids?  But I asked him on the phone – TOLD him, if he cant do this to tell me RIGHT NOW, because I cant wait around a week or two weeks and go thru this pain all again.  It would kill me.  He told me that he wants me.  That he WILL be back.  That he wants to get things straight with them so he can give me 100% of his attention.

 

But I don’t know what to believe????

 

And I hurt L

 

Then there is the issue of my DH.  We almost divorced 4 years ago.  To say we have had problems is an understatement.  But in the past month and a half, he has shown me SO much, and made so many changes.  And when the AP broke me on Tuesday, it was my DH that was there for me.  That held me and let me cry over another man, and made sure I was OK.  My DH says he will wait for me, for as long as it takes.  He has told me how sorry he is, for all of the past.  I know he loves me.

 

I know the easy thing to do would be to go back to him.  Easy for him and for my dear kids too.  But I am in love with the AP.  REALLY in love.  Please help me.  I don’t know what to do or think anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2013
Tue, 11-19-2013 - 9:46pm

I am going to give my 2 cents on this and you are not going to like it but I come at this from experience. You might as well move on. I not only have experienced a similar situation but also seen many others go through the same issue. As a rule of thumb....when they use the children as their excuse for getting space from you...it is likely just that....an excuse. My AP uses his child as an excuse for staying with his GF all the time. Then once his GF discovers some form of our contact and she throws a fit about it...he blames the lack of contact on needing to keep up appearances/stability for his child. However, from the stories he has told me about how things are with them....I don't see how that is any more stable for his daughter. Anyways, I am sorry for all the hurt you are enduring. I have been there more than once with the same guy and it is always one excuse or another and it doesn't get any easier. I myself posted about my situation on here and I will tell you what I was told...move on, it is just a game and the best way to get over one guy is to get under another guy. I haven't gotten under anyone else but I am slowly working my way to getting over this one. It is hard especially since I run into him and his girl around town all the time but it is slowly happening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Tue, 11-19-2013 - 3:42pm

I am so sorry for your hurt.  So sorry....

Just guessing, but I don't think a week and a half is going to be enough time for him to 'get things straight" with his kids.  If his children's reaction to his split with his GF/their mom is going to rule how it is he can be in relation to you, then I think you have to know right now that its probably not going to get any easier with them.  Not for a very long time.  Which also probably means his ability to really *be* in a relationship with you will likewise be limited for a very long time.

I'm not sure what to tell you about your DH, and how to react to that.   I'm a sucker for a real heart-felt connection, though.   I think you need to really honor that connection (with the new man) *for yourself* and give yourself time to really work through it for yourself, perhaps grieve it, before you have a chance to figure out any other commitment of the heart.  Focus on yourself, as cliche as that sounds. 

In the meantime, big hugs out to you.  One thing that always makes me feel better when I'm feeling really down, adn that is to do something to help others.  Maybe seek out a volunteer experience?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002
Sun, 11-17-2013 - 4:07pm

Take a deep breath and don't do anything for a bit.  You are too emotional right now.  You have asked your DH to move out.  Don'tt ask him to move back in.  It would be too confusing to everyone.  I don't think there is anything you can do as far as your affair goes.  Your AP has made a decision, and he won't be back.  He has chosen his children over you.  You must respect that and move on.  Just take your time now.  Get some counseling to help figure out what to do as far as your  marriage is concerned.  Maybe get on some meds too.  Take good care of yourself.  It will get better, I promise.

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Fri, 11-15-2013 - 7:27pm

Look as you describe it you lover is more into his children than you.  As painful as this will be you are liberated from this entanglement.  Can move on or sit in wallow in pain.  It is your choice.

dragowoman

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Fri, 11-15-2013 - 7:27pm

Look as you describe it you lover is more into his children than you.  As painful as this will be you are liberated from this entanglement.  Can move on or sit in wallow in pain.  It is your choice.

dragowoman