Please help me screw my head on straight

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Please help me screw my head on straight
4
Sun, 04-25-2004 - 12:25am
Hi everybody. Not sure if this is the right place for this, but this seemed to fit better than anywhere else. I am not having an A now, but need some advice from those who have been there. Here's the deal: My marriage is in bad shape right now. Has been on the verge of divorce, it feels like, for many months. Should note I have three kids under 10 as well.

Anyway, I'm having all kinds of conflicting and euphorious feelings about this other man. Could be all in my head. Could be just him being friendly. Truthfully, I don't think I could tell what was going on because I have been out of the game, so to speak, for a very long time.

But the deal is I feel a strong connection with this person. It's very intense, at least for me. We've had conversations that are more intimate, on an intellectual level, than I've ever had with my H. There's not been any sexual innuendo. Maybe a bit of very tame flirting, but mostly just great conversation, e-mails back and forth. (If you knew my H you would understand why this is so attractive.) I see him at least once a week at his job, but won't have occasion to do so during the summer.

Anyway, the thought of going through the entire summer without seeing him makes me very sad. I don't know if I am just looking for a friend. Or maybe I have a crush. At any rate, I am trying to decide if I should say something mundane like "keep in touch over the summer" or if I should just forget it and deal. This is all complicated because my marriage is a mess right now and I don't think it will get better.

Not sure if I gave enough info for anyone to come to any conclusion, but any help/advice would be appreciated.

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Sun, 04-25-2004 - 12:01pm
My situation is a bit different, but I completely understand that intellectual conversation thing. My sexual relationship with MM started very quickly, but it was after a couple of intense evenings of conversation. In fact, one of our first discussions centered around comedies and how neither of our spouses really appreciated this movie or that show because they didn't "get it". Our relationship quickly turned sexual and focused on that for a bit, then we worked on a volunteer project together where we constantly were having talks that I'd never dream of with H. Also, the fact that my H thought I was crazy to be volunteering my time on this "project" in itself made me feel this great connection to MM since he was the one who was deeply involved in it, and got me to help.

M H isn't dumb--he has a lot of common sense and is very handy--can take things apart and fix things. But he's not a college grad, I am and probably will be going to grad school eventually. Our conversations NEVER run deep, and when I do, I just want to roll my eyes when I walk away from H. MM, on the other hand, is very intelligent and we can banter back and forth for hours.

I think about growing old with my H, and I just wonder what we're going to talk about. We've been married less than 2 yrs, and we've already seemed to run out of conversation.

However, neither MM nor I have kids. You are in a different situation. If your marriage is in a mess, remember that this will only make your marriage worse. If you are ready for that, then go for it. You just have to be realistic about the consequences of your actions. But if MM hasn't pushed anything, let him do the pushing. Wait--is HE married?

Have you talked to him about your marriage? That's how MM and I got the direct clues that we could go further. We both knew the attraction, but that conversation led us down the path that we're still on!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2004
Sun, 04-25-2004 - 3:51pm
One of the reasons the other guy is appealing to you is because you are unhappy in your current situation. Also you see him at his 'best' but see your husband at his worst.

Realize that if you go for an affair it will make your life much more complicated and could end your marriage and damage your kids. If you know that the marriage is over and think you can deal with the consequences then go for it. Everyone is entitled to some pleasure in life

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Sun, 04-25-2004 - 5:20pm
Nope, he isn't married. And I haven't discussed my marriage problems with him at all. There really hasn't been an opportunity to do so, since he is always at work when we are talking. (No, he isn't a grocery clerk or something. His work is just the place where we met and where I always see him.)

I just wish there was an easy way to find out if he feels the same connection, either in a friendship way or more. I think I would be OK with it if he didn't, but I am afraid I will really regret it if I don't get that question answered. I would hate to miss out on, at the very least, a great friendship just because I am socially inept. :)

Anybody have any other innocuous "test the waters" kind of questions/methods/conversations that both parties can answer the question without actually "saying it." If I weren't married a simple "Let's have coffee" or something would suffice. But that's probably not appropriate given that I am. I should note that I'm worried about showing my hand too much here for fear of making him feel uncomfortable. (Just in case I am simply in the midst of a schoolgirl crush, so to speak.)

I'm going nuts here guys. I've got about three weeks to figure this out before the school year ends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Sun, 04-25-2004 - 5:27pm
openmyeyes, You should defintiely not worry about the back and forth email between you guys. You in a bad marriage and have an attraction from a single man on the side. Enjoy it as long you can, there is always time to regret later. ;-) What's life without a few mistakes here and there (if it turns out to be one)?? Just ask him to go to coffee with you. If he doesn't like the offer, just drop it. That way your ego will not be on the way. ;-)

Welcome to the club and take a seat.