Please help me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2009
Please help me!
22
Mon, 12-14-2009 - 11:35am

I have a real problem, and I'm hoping someone out there can help me out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Tue, 12-15-2009 - 10:07am
Just my two cents, but all of you women who are feeling so down on yourselves need to get one thing through your mind: You are NOT whores, neither are you "bad" and undeserving of happiness or your wonderful H's!! Those of us who have had A's (and I'm in the middle of my third right now--with the same man I had my first one with 20 years ago!), have all questioned our motives. Shameonme, I think you could benefit from some individual counseling to explore your motivations and help you see and accept yourself as a good human being. I don't think you're an "addict." Speaking for myself, it is the need to feel desired, attractive and needed that gets me into this. Although I have a wonderful H who tells me all the time how beautiful I am and how much he loves me, it's just not enough. But I know the problem lies somewhere within myself, related to my lack of self-esteem, although I, too, am a professional and very successful at work and in my community. Go figure. Other than my closest GF, no one would believe that about myself. I am an excellent actress apparently. I've not made a counseling appt yet, although I know I need to. But I'm not ready to end my A yet and I feel it would be counter-productive to go to counseling while wanting to continue my A. Hugs to you, Shame. Please keep us posted on your situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2009
Tue, 12-15-2009 - 10:23am
thanks for saying that Always.......because I know atleast from my standpoint that I feel like I have some sort of character flaw. And like you.....I am not ready to end my A, but at the same time I hate myself for not wanting to end it. It is just great to have someone who understands and not condemns. I am by no means looking for justification as to why I am doing it....nor do I need condemnation. Just someone who knows and understands. These boards are wonderful and have made me feel so much better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Tue, 12-15-2009 - 10:45am

Lonely, I just discovered these board a week ago and I am ever so grateful to read and post and vent here. It is such a relief to hear from other women in similar situations and not to be judged. I have beaten myself up a thousand times for doing this again, but I am not ready to end it and I certainly don't need anyone telling me that I'm bad and should end it for my own good. I already know that.


Very fortunately for me, the A is a long distance one and we don't have an opportunity to see each other but every 6 weeks or so, although we email and talk several times a week. He makes me feel soooo good. He was my AP 20 years ago, and we had a DDay which nearly resulted in the end of my M, although his W never found out. I always harbored a little resentment about that. We had NC for 20 freakin' years until 5 months ago! As soon as we saw each other, we fell right back into each other's arms. He is a man with some position and power now, which is a major turn on to me....and just the fact that he has so actively pursued this A is also a turn on. I feel so much more in control than 20 years ago, when I naively thought he

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2009
Tue, 12-15-2009 - 11:00am
My AP too is long distance, and we see each other once a month, however we talk and text daily several times a day. He too was an old friend from Jr High that used to be one of my best friends. We reconnected on Facebook, and it was like the 25 years we had not talked never existed. Yes, it makes me feel alive, wanted, vibrant....all those things. Deep down I know the issues on why I cheat. I grew up a preachers daughter with extremely strict parents. I was an ugly duckling.....didnt date. I met my first husband when I was 17 and was married to him for 10 years. He was VERY verbally abusive, and told me how lucky I was to have him, how stupid I was etc. I met my husband now while married to him, so there you go....the pattern. However, I did NOT have kids with my ex. So walking out was easy. Now I am married to a wonderful man, with 2 great kids. Yes, I have tried twice to leave. Not for another man, but because I wasnt happy. My husband became upset, and devestated....crying, begging me not to go.....well, I just cant inflict that hurt on anyone. So I stay. I stay because he tries so hard, he loves me, and he deserves to be happy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Tue, 12-15-2009 - 11:13am

Wow! Jr. High friends!! One of my jr high friends (on FB) was just saying how the friendships we made at that age are the true ever-lasting ones...guess he was right about that!!!


I understand about being

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2009
Tue, 12-15-2009 - 11:38am
my daughers are 8 and 4. So they are still young. My 4 yr old is a Special Needs child, so she can be quite the handful!! I love them with all my heart, and I dont ever want to do anything to hurt them. I know by doing this I am running the risk of getting caught and hurting everyone even worse. But I just cant get myself to the point that I want to stop.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2006
Tue, 12-15-2009 - 1:33pm

The definition of an addict, clinically-speaking, is someone who continues to do something knowing that it has negative impacts on his or her life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2007
Tue, 12-15-2009 - 1:33pm
I just wonder how men can end things and never contact us again but we keep trying. It's pathetic but we have all been there. Why can't we just end it and not look back?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2009
Tue, 12-15-2009 - 1:55pm
because for us, we allow it to encompass who we are, our value, our happiness....we tend to wrap it all up in the A. I know for me I value the A as something that is all mine....my treat....my moment that is all for myself. And as a wife with kids we all know how time to ourselves gets lost. Anyway....that is my take. That is why I hate ending it....I don't want to give it up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2009
Tue, 12-15-2009 - 7:40pm
Wow. I think many of us have these same feelings. My H cheated on me first years ago. Since then I have had three affairs and slept with a FWB once. I am now possibly entering my fourth A. I too looked for answers and was told by a friend she thought I could be not a sex addict but a LOVE addict. It stems, mainly, from low self esteem and the needing for love, attention and positive feedback from a man. I was told this usually comes from childhood. If we do not seek to fix what is wrong with us inside it will not change (or the feeling of wanting an A). My H has done everything possible to make up for what he did. He has caught me cheating three times! I deserved to have my a** kicked out but he stayed with me and went to counseling. I hate that I feel this way and have a lot of self loathing as well. We all CAN stop but we don't WANT to. It feeds a deep long rooted need inside of us. Just like a drug or alcohol.
After my last A, going to counseling I could not share my true feeling as it was couple counseling. I felt bad that I sat there and lied through my teeth instead of being able to come clean and say what I truly felt inside.
Do any of you wonder that there could also be a self destructive part to this as well? We all know it is dumb, what we are in for and we go head first into it. I feel bad that so many of you feel the same way as i know how awful it feels but at the same time am so thankful to know there are others out there who are feeling the same feelings I am. I hope somehow you can get away from this man as he does not sound like a good person for you! I think you deserve so much better. Could it possibly be that you chose a "bad guy" for a reason? I wish you strength and peace in trying to once again go NC. You know what is the best decision for you. Good luck.