Please help! New to board & situation

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Please help! New to board & situation
20
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 3:07pm
I've been happily dating my BF for 2 years, and we've been planning on eventually getting married. I'm so confused because I met OM about a month ago, we instantly clicked and became great friends, and (even though we've tried not to!) we've been cuddling, kissing, and doing a little more than that for a few weeks. I'm struck by the intense attraction and increasing affection I have for OM. Even though we haven't gone all the way, he is able to please me like no one has ever been able to please me before. It's amazing what he is able to make me do, but that's all I'll say about that! So all this makes the great sex BF and I have always had seem like...less. I know that if BF had not been in my life, OM and I would have instantly begun dating, as we are right for each other, too, in so many ways!

I love my BF more than anything and can't imagine being without him, but even before OM came along, I had been waiting for him to get his life together (indluding getting a job so that he could stop living off his trust fund) so that we could move forward. I sat him down last week and basically told him I don't know how much longer I can wait. He said he's terrified of losing me and that he wants to do whatever it takes to avoid losing me. I really think I lit a fire under him with that talk, but he's got so much work to do, and I'm beginning to think I need a break (NOT a clean break) from us. This is not all b/c of OM. But I don't know how much longer I can wait to go all the way with OM and couldn't live with myself if I were to do that with him while in a relationship with someone else. My gut feeling is that I belong with BF, and I don't want to lose him. I don't know how to approach taking a break at all. I want to do the right thing but don't know what that is! Please help!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 12:21pm
hey angel, i agree with danielle here. i've never judged a man because of his viewing of porn. man are soooo sexual and it's just another outlet for them. your BF goes to extremes because he lives by himself and wasn't in a relationship for quite some time before you arrived on the scene. is your sex life with him good? does the porn issue impact your sex live adversely (like him asking you to act out certain scenes or fantasies?) or is your aversion just because it's "porn"? you have to ask yourself if you want to stand guard over all your BF's private piccadillos for the rest of your life or let him be himself. if you love him, you have to love all of him and as long as he loves and respects you, i feel you have to let him make his own decisions about his late-night habit. he obviously knows how you feel about it. and he's sure to resent you in the future if you keep watching and checking his every move. he probably already does since he's going to great pains to "cover" his tracks.

think about what you want for your future.

{hugs}

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 12:31pm
Thanks, Danielle. I feel like I can't confide to anybody close to me--for obvious reasons! And all of you guys' input really is helping me to sort through all the jumbled emotions. Let me clarify. I believe that it is perfectly normal and healthy for a "full-blooded American male" to be interested in sex, and I've never had a problem with the use of porn--in moderation! My boyfriend fits the textbook definition of an addict, however. He can't stop. Well, at least for a long time I thought he did stop (and he may have, for a while) cold turkey just like he gave up smoking 3 years ago just like that!

I don't want to get into the research I've done, the accounts of distraught partners of sex addicts I've met, or what a counselor I saw for a while last summer told me about sex addiction and what my BF was going through, but I have learned that there is casual, occasional porn use for recreation or enhancement of a couple's or individual's sexual experiences and then there is the addiction which tends to displace intimacy (both sexual and communicative) in a R. It's like alcoholism or any other kind of compulsive addiction. Not to mention that the time spent engaging in internet porn takes away from the time that should be spend on, say, finding a job or keeping a job once you've found one. And it's expensive. He's spending money which he does not have. Just the 3 sites I KNOW about which he recently joined cost him $40/month! I'm afraid there's a lot more where that came from, but don't know the first thing about how to search for any more evidence.

Now. All this aside, I realize that what I have just begun doing w/ OM (even though we haven't gone all the way) is far worse than what BF is doing. All of a sudden I feel that my right to judge him and complain to him about what he's doing has been taken from me...b/c in a way, that's true. But at the same time, if it weren't for OM, upon finding this new evidence I would feel so betrayed all over again and like I couldn't take it anymore. It would remind me of the rest of his life which is suspended in air and not going anywhere and would cause me to seriously rethink things. No matter how much I love him (and I do!), I would be considering calling it quits for a while so that he could focus on fixing the problem, which I believe he truly wants to do, and on getting his life together. He's not happy at all with where he is right now, so I can't be. I'm trying to take an honest look at the situation, and I think that if not for OM, I would insist we get counseling and that he have individual couseling OR suggest that we take some time. I can't continue being lied to. Obviously I can't trust him when it comes to this. I don't know what else he's hiding.

But listen to me! All of a sudden I feel like the biggest hypocrite. I feel that I HAVE to confront him about this, but maybe I'll change my mind as I calm down from the initial anger and shock. Seems that he should be allowed to do this if I'm doing what I'm doing. But this was a pre-existing condition (to make a medical analogy!) before OM entered the picture, a problem we were working through and which I was trying to monitor and even offer support for and which was, at least to some extent in my mind, going to determine our future together. Now. All this said, I still consider him to be the man I'm meant to be with. But at the same time, as you know, I'm having some doubts--especially lately, for several reasons. I'm sorry if I'm sounding redundant or convoluted. I'm upset and confused and don't know what to do in light of all these factors.

If I'm supposed to be selfish, then I want to think about taking my A to a new level. I have to think fast. I'm going to see him tonight. I see him every night. We're doing a play together on the outskirts of my city and have been carpooling to rehearsal. We have to make out in the play. That's how we met. I honestly don't think I would have acted on any attraction had our director not made us kiss! Isn't that funny, in a way! But after that it was like I couldn't keep my hands off of him, and we couldn't deny whatever was going on b/t us. On top of that we've built an instant friendship and so much more. I think that we should continue TRYING not to do anything beyond kissing (b/c that's what we do in the play, so it's OK! LOL!) but we haven't done a very good job of that so far. I have to take action and make a decision but am just not sure what. Thank you for putting up with me and my crisis! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 12:44pm
I posted a response, but it was lost along with another one from someone else. The responses only go up to 10. Oh, well. What happened?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 12:46pm
never mind! :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 12:59pm
I can't read any of the posters' reponses past 10 either, and I could a few minutes ago. I think you have to post just any message to be able to read beyond post #10. That's what I'm doing, because I want to read your latest post before I offer you a post with advice. Hope this helps. Not quite sure why this happens. Is anybody else having trouble with not being able to read ALL the posts in this or other threads?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 1:02pm
I usually click the refresh button on the browser, try that and see if it works, if not you can just make a new post.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 1:11pm
As I said AngelKat, my advice is to take the relationship with OM to the next level, that is the only way you will be able to see if it is just a sexual thing. Just curious though, does your BF know that you had to make out with this guy? How did he feel? Even though it's only for a play some guys may not handle that very well. Whatever you do, make sure you practice safe sex, and most of all enjoy yourself and give yourself a break. You sound like a very smart girl and im sure you will make the right decision, just remember you and your feelings are more important right now than both these guys- because ultimately it will affect your happiness. Please keep us updated though. Im online all day, so im always here to answer a quick question. Hugs and kisses!!!

Danielle

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 2:24pm
Yean, BF knows about me having to make out with OM on stage, and he's OK with that; BF is an actor, too, and understands that it's "just acting" (or it's supposed to be, at least!) He knows about my new friendship with OM, and they've even met and like each other. He's very laidback and is OK with it. Of course, he doesn't know that we've done a few things. For that I feel terrible but for the first time in my life find it almost impossible to control myself in a situation.

I just got off the phone with BF surprised myself. I came right out and confronted him about the porn I found over the phone. I try to make it a rule to save important discussions like that for in person. I meant to! Anyway, he feels horrible. He asked me to leave him the information about the support groups. He's known that he has a sex addiction problem. The one thing we agreed upon the last time we talked about this in depth (last October) was that no matter what, he'd be honest with me and tell me each time he had a relapse. I'm sorry if the terms I'm using like relapse offend some people, but I'm talking about a porn addiction which adversely affects a couple's intimacy and not porn that's used for FUN and that does not become compulsive. gotta go. he's calling me back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 2:36pm
Angel,

I am having a hard time crafting a response to you, my own

feelings on this are not as rock solid as I thought. So let

me just state some observations. The following is my opinion,

and mine alone. Beware, other's views may differ! Mine might

too on a different day.

In general, I do not view porn as a big problem. It has been

notoriously difficult to even define what porn is, and some

great minds have wrestled with it.

I would say, if porn is a problem for you, than it is a problem for

him. I think it is very prevalent. I think most males view it to a greater

or lesser degree, I don't think it generally does any lasting damage to

the viewer. I think it bothers most women a lot. I think it is pretty

natural for a guy to get an erotic thrill from a whole universe of

stimuli, most of which you will never be able to control, and probably

don't want to.

I may have some moral issues with the production of the material.

I have some issues with what is and isn't porn in society in general,

but that is a very deep quagmire. I just don't want to get off track.

I will say that he is being himself when he views porn. There are probably

other things he should be doing, money he should be saving, but I don't

think in and of itself the porn is hurting him. I might be wrong. I think,

from your reaction, it is hurting your relationship. He should be sensitive

to your feelings about this too.

I am not a big believer in sexual addiction. I think there is more and less

desire, but I am very reluctant to designate any yardstick of normalcy.

Consult the title "Numphomania" for one authors exploration of women's

difficulties with their emerging sexuality in society in general, and the

problems associated with allowing male doctor's to prescribe "cures" to

restore "normalcy" to a women's sexuality. There is more desire, and

there is less desire, but I can't say what is normal. We can define average,

but remember that the average person has one tit and one testicle. Statistics

just tell you what everyone else is doing.

You should work through your own feelings toward pornography too. There are a

lot of issues here. Do you view it as competition? It probably isn't. Is it

just morally wrong? This is your upbringing speaking, and you should listen.

You will have a hard time staying with a man that violates a deep moral

principle you hold. Is it the ultimate exploitation of women? Does it turn

women into objects, stripping them of their humanity? Can you ever know

what it is really doing inside another's head? Even if it clearly does

this for you, is your reality and his reality the same? (No it isn't, you

will find this out very soon if you don't already know it)

I can think up a whole host of extenuating circumstances and hypothetical

cases. This is a very slippery issue, and you must confront it. I would say

that, after you have thought about it, if you can't stand this aspect of

your BF's personality, you should move on. It seems to be a pattern with him.

BTW, does OM use porn too? How do you know? Can you be sure? I would be

very, very surprised if he had never downloaded a picture, picked up a

Playboy, rented an R or X rated film, studied a Victoria's Secret catalog

a bit too long. See the point? It is almost impossible to define or stop.

I fear I have been less helpful to you than I intended. Sorry.









iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 3:01pm
I hope you worked out your problem with reading the posts, but to be safe I posted a new one for you. Also to add on to my last reply, you mentioned that he quit smoking cold turkey. You did not mention if you are a smoker, or if he quit because of your urging or because he wanted to.If you are a smoker, then you obviously know how strong of an addiction it is to quit cold turkey- which in my book is an amazing accomplishment. I am a smoker and have been for a few years and I know how hard it is to quit. It is obvious he does have a lot of willpower when he wants to, I wonder if subconciously he feels like sneaking porn behind your back is a way of gaining control, and maybe he views your dissaproval of the porn as a control issue? Just a thought.

Danielle

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