Please I need anyones viewpoint

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Please I need anyones viewpoint
12
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 9:21am
If you are a man, woman, single, married, I would like your viewpoint on my situation. I am married with kids, SM is single and 12 years younger. I don't see a future with him and have no plans to leave my marriage. He pursued me from the beginning but every time we had sex (twice) he pulled away. He has not initiated any contact since he left his job in May (where I met him and would see him). I have known for a while that this is not good for me but I am having a hard time giving it up. I want to be with him again. This being said, I called him and we talked for the first time about it all. Basically he told me this...I have liked you since I met you but you are married. Every time we have sex I get more attached to you. It can't just be sex with you, I am getting attached and I will get hurt. I don't think I can ever totally relax with you because of the concept of your H finding us. This A is not good for anyone, no good will come of it. I have the respect of my family to lose and family is every thing to me. You have more to lose than me. I think you want your marriage and you want to "date" me. I will not date you and I will not pursue you. I will respond if you contact me. My new job is very important to me and I need to give it my full attention. If I get back together with my girlfriend I can not see you anymore...I said maybe we should forget the whole thing because I don't want to put any demands on you. He said, you aren't putting any demands on me, let's get together after I get back in town after the holidays and talk. I would like to be with him again, but without the pursuit thing would it be any fun any more? I wanted this A to be fun, an escape from my stressful life. I don't want to talk this to death with him. Maybe I haven't looked at it from his point of view enough. I have been thinking, he's not so into me anymore, maybe I've been seeing it all wrong. I am VERY OPEN to anything any of you have to say. Should I call him next week to get together and talk? What should I say? What would any of you do if you were me? Thanks for your time reading this and posting, C

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 9:45am
Hello Cowboy

I hate to say it but it seems like a good time to move on or your just going to get hurt, you seem like about number four on his list of priorities and that is no place you want to be.

Sorry if I sound negative

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 10:35am
good morning cowboy!! hey listen girl, you ARE overthinking this situation. why do i say that -- because you haven't even been with this guy since May, 7-8 months of no contact, nothing, so why are you still so fixated on him??

sure, go have coffee with SG and talk to him, but about what?? he'll still live out of town, you still won't have contact with him, and he has definitely moved on from you and the A. you're doing ALL the pursuing and he's just sitting back responding whenever you get in contact. that's no fun, is it!

if you want excitement and fun and relief from your stressful life, find someone else closer to home/work that you can play with. this SG is not the one. let him go!

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 10:44am
Hi gurl, I have been in contact with him. We had ic for the first time about 6 weeks ago. He lives in my same town. He left his job in May, so that is when I stopped seeing him daily. But yes, he has not initiated any contact since, but replies to me immediately, which I find very frustrating. I told him last week I am so frustrated and he apologized. I guess I am fixated because it's weird for me to have been with someone for the first time since my H for over 25 years and then not be in contact with them. I need to learn all of this. C
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 10:58am
oh okay i get the picture now. but still, you're doing all this work for what return? SG obviously will reply to you and i'm certain will have sex if you really beg, but seriously, is that a turn-on to you? i have to agree with the other poster who said you seem to be far down SG's list.

honey, find another guy who IS interested and will at least reciprocate your interest!

take control of your situation -- right now, SG is in the driver's seat!

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 12:40pm
Thanks gurl, I know what you are saying. It's just that every time I contact him he is so nice to me and I get all swept up in it. I feel good for a few days and think, hell, maybe this time he will get back to me first. Then a week will go by and I'm down again. I know if I call him next week and we get together we will have sex again. That is why I'm not letting it go. I like him and I find it so exciting. I don't get the opportunity to meet other men so much and usually they don't approach me. SG was the first ever to do that to me. I had been faithful to one man for over 25 years. I've given that up now to one guy. I don't think I want to just keep giving that up to other guys, you know. I think I was enchanted by the idea of an affair, but reality has changed that. Maybe it's not all that great, but maybe it would be with the right guy. SG is just a weird kind of guy, it's so hard to explain, but he does not like to pursue women. This is not just something different with me. I felt better after our talk though. He was honest with me, I like that. I feel he does really like me but he is running away as fast as he can. I should be too, to work on my M, but I'm not for whatever reasons. Every time we are together (twice) he backs off more and more. I didn't realize that would happen. Like I said, I need to learn all this. Is your cold better? C
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 3:10pm
hey cowboy girl -- i had a great reply to you and ivillage popped up some ad and it got erased. anyway, basically i said, your SG is obviously not a pursuer and it's hard enough to work at a R where all parties are single and available, much less where one of you is married and unavailable. but if SG makes your pulse race and you want to keep seeing him, keep your R fun and games and don't expect too much from him. you'll do the work, but you'll also get the reward!!

and thanks for remembering about my cold -- yes, it's much better, almost gone, but i'm trying not to catch all the crap around me, sneezing, coughing, fevers everywhere. i want to wear a mask all the time!! and i don't have a germ phobia either!

take care of yourself,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 4:24pm
Wow! First of all, I applaud your honesty and candor. You have a great amount of clarity in your A and the reasons you are interested in this man. *Geez, I wish I could be that way! LOL*

Your comment -->"I wanted this A to be fun, an escape from my stressful life. I don't want to talk this to death with him." ---> really spoke volumes to me. So, I DO believe that you, my dear, suffer from someone falling in love with you...ahhhh, such a dilemma to have! hee hee! In all, I think that if he can't have this A on the same terms as you, then you need to let him go. Sounds like he is truly quite fond of you.

Hang in there!

Blushing

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 6:14pm
Guess I have a different take on this.

I am the one who is single in an affair with a MM.

I want to see him ALL the time. But all the time is far from possible.

I also wish many, many times I could get myself to end it.

It is so very hard, the waiting, the evenings alone, closing off potential "suitors" because I have eyes only for someone who is not mine to completely have.

I know I deserve more, I know it can never be him.

But still I sit, wait, long for him.

In between the times we are together, there are stretches of longing.

Wanting to be able to share. Pick up the phone and tell him some little insignificant detail of my day.

Wanting to be able to have him help me shop for a new car, pick out new furniture, do something as mundane as fixing dinner together, sleeping and waking together.

I wonder if your MM has the same feelings. Knowing that this has no possibility of a future for him, no possibility that it can ever fill the void in his life that is there, and no possibility that all he needs and longs for will be ever be completely fulfilled.

Just a thought from the single side.

Nitro

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 11:49pm
CBGE,

Perhaps I can give a view from his perspective. When I was single I was involved with a married woman. She was 14 years (or something like that) older than I. There were several reasons why I ended it, mainly because she was falling for me and the guilt of what it may do to her family was really wearing at me. At the time my options were open to just about anything so for those reasons the relationship wasn't that important to me. Why get into an instant family? I wasn't ready for that and there were other women I could date that were my age that seemed more appropriate. She was crushed. I felt really bad about it, but it just couldn't continue. Maybe he is looking at it from this angle?

Why you ask do you not have guilt about such a thing now? Because, like you, the options aren't there anymore. I am drowning and it's now a matter of mental survival. The single guy will never see it that way. Whatever the case, I hope it works out for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 8:51am
Thanks for all the posts from different angles, that is what I was hoping for. When this first started with SG, I always told him that I wanted this to be fun, I had all the serious crap in my life already. It was the truth and it's what I thought he wanted to hear because he is young and single and has his options open. Now one year later and after finally talking to him about it for the first time, I'm realizing maybe I was wrong. I had no idea he was getting attached. When I get attached I cling, he ran, so I thought he wasn't so into me, it was a chase and now it's over. After our first physical encounter in May he changed so much, stopped the playful e-mails, stopped touching me, etc. I was so confused. I kept in contact after he left his job, but kept it friendly only. When I finally asked to meet, he immediately agreed and we had ic for the first time, but it wasn't so good from his end. He got up and started spouting off all these reasons why we can't be together. He was having a panic attack. I told him to calm down it was okay. He kept saying he didn't want to be a home wrecker. And I said, I love my H, I will never leave him. I never thought he was getting attached. Man, I'm so much older, he can have any young single girl he wants. He said they don't approach him. Now I'm thinking he is so lonely and I didn't even see it. I was so busy chasing him. I will call him when he gets back from his vacation. If he still wants to meet, I will. I guess no matter how I plan what I will say or do, it will just depend on how it goes. C

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