Please no more pain!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Please no more pain!
6
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 9:46am
Well here I am again..I was just writing to let eveyone know who was helping me the other day that I found a counseler...my appt is Monday at 1:00..but it seems things are getting worse for me...last night I called OM and told him to call me right back..well instead of calling where I was he hit the wrong button on his phone and called my H house!! he said when my H answered it didn't click right away and he said issss and then hung up because he relized what he did..well my H *69ed him and got his # and then called me and asked who the F**K was calling his house asking for me...I was stumped!! all I could say was I don't know who would be calling..and he said who the hell did you give our #..I said I don't remember...well anyway..so when I hung up with H I called OM back and he was all saying I'm so sory..so while we were on the pone he got another call..it was H!! OM said I'm not going to answer..so he didn't well then my phone beeped and it was H again..he made up a huge lie saying OM had answerd the phone and told him that I had given him my # and that I was not married...!! WTF!! He lied!! then the told me he hated me..and I said hate is a strong word to use so make sure you mean it..and he said I do..so I said well thats all I needed to know..and hung up..well later on I called him back and said do you really hate me and he said noooo I was just mad...I just don't know what to do..its like Im being pulled into two different directions with my heart..on one hand I love my H with everything..even though Im not In-Love with him...he is my bestfriend..my parents call him son..my dad is soooo mad at me for all of this...on the other hand I want to leave becuase Im 22 and I want to live a 22 year old life..go out have fun party...date...in general just do a lot of growing up..should I really stay in a marriage where I'm no in-love anymore..and eventually I will get used to it as I get older..last night when I was telling OM eveything he started to say something but changed his mind so I said what? it took forever but I drug it out of him..he said that he just wanted me to give him a chance to make me happy..because thats all I ever talk about is how perfect my H is and how good he treats me and Im scared to leave because im afraid I will never find any other man who treats me sooooo good..I just don't know anymore..Im sorry this is so long I just needed to vent a little..you guys are great...Little
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 11:02am
Little,

I don't know your entire situation but you said "and eventually I will get used to it as I get older". I am not much older than you, but I felt the same way right around the time I turned 21. I knew I wasn't in love with my H anymore but I thought if I stuck it out I'd grow up a bit and it'd all work out. Well, I grew up and grew even further apart from H. Granted, he didn't treat me good so our situations are different. If you walk away from your M don't do it for OM. Do it because it's what is right for you. Hang in there.....maybe the counselor will help you sort out your thoughts and figure out what you really want.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 12:02pm
See, thats what everyone keeps telling me..is to leave for myself and not OM..and that is what I want to do..except its just hard to to tell the differance between the two feelings..one feeling is yep Im leaving for myself and the other is..would I be leaving at all if OM had not come into my life? but I think back to last year..before I ever cheated with anyone..it was september 02 I sit my H down and told him I did love him but there was no spark there for me anymore..he cried I cried but I didn't leave..then this summer i told him I wanted to leave again..saying I was not in-love...but he made the comment if you leave I might relize I don't need you so much after all..and to tell you the truth it scared me..pluse..he has noone to go to about it..because he has no family..my family is his and he has worked soooo hard to have the things we have now..house..truck..boat..and I dont' want him to lose any of that stuff because I leave him..So, when Im sitting here thinking about am I leaving H for OM..that all plays in my mind..OM just gives me a boost to leave..I don't know if thats good or bad..I really need help..I can't wait till my appt..and Im soooo sick of everyone including my mom and dad..saying Im stupid for all of this..am I really stupid to be leaving a great guy like my H..who loves me with all his heart? little
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 1:39pm

hi littlesecret.

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 1:51pm
I do see myself growing old with him and having kids with him...just not now..If I don't do this now it will always be in the back of my head what if...and I don't think I could ever be happy in this marriage without knowing the what if's....and you never know..maybe in time I'll grow up and understand that he is what I want..and i will go try to win him back...maybe he will already be gone far away from me..maybe not..that is just the chance I have to take..thanks Little
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 8:20pm
MAYBE HE WILL BE MARRIED TO SOMEONE ELSE
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 8:42am
Maybe he will..but that really does not bother me in the least..because I know we will always have a special bond that noone can come between..and if he is married I will worry about that when I cross that bridge..little