Please, please help me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2009
Please, please help me!
4
Sat, 09-12-2009 - 11:47am

This is my first time here. I found this site while on my laptop in my living room, with my husband a few feet away. I'm going to just pour it all out right now...I have to for my sanity!


5 years ago I met a man online. He's 12 years older than me, and married with grown children. It was on an online AA group, and he posted about anxiety issues that I've dealt with most of my life. I wrote him privately only because I figured sharing anxiety issues of my own were personal. Long story short, we started writing back and forth. They were emails about nothing but recovery stuff. Fast forward about two years, and he admits that he's a sex addict. He'd write very 'wisdom filled' posts, and women would melt as his wisdom. Then they would begin IMing, and then end up doing cyber sex. He had several one timers, and then a few that he started having emotional feelings for. One of which (9 years before I met him)

Sorry so long!
Dana
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2009
Sun, 09-13-2009 - 6:43pm
I am new to this board too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Sun, 09-13-2009 - 10:56pm

Hi dmhoff,


I'm sorry you are feeling hurt. I can relate as I havent heard from AP in 3 days after a little disagreement we had. I thought i was loosing my mind for the last 2 days. But I have to agree with belle, Your AP sounds mentally unhealthy for you. I know you guys have a strong bond from all the things yall have shared with one another and the long time you have known him.


It's hard for me to tell you to move on b/c I dont know how to do that myself. I do believe there is someone out there more compatible to you and that would make you happier. Do you want to leave your marriage? If so, you may want to focus on doing that. That will at least be a step toward your happiness.


Hang in there. You are not alone. Post on here anytime you need to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2009
Mon, 09-14-2009 - 2:17pm

Thank you bell and car for your input! I was also surprised Bell, by the lack of posts for support, as that's what I thought this board was for? Maybe it's because I was so long-winded that by the time they got done reading it, they were out of time? lol


Anyway, I really TRULY appreciate your posting for me as I'm going into day 5 today. When this happened before, and I broke down and called him, he would always say "I was just about to call you!". Of course, we all know about those kind of comments! It's kind of good in a way, I go through periods of time where it's beyond devastating, and then times when it's not as bad? For instance, it's bad during the days he's at work. It's very bad between 2pm and 2:45pm during work days because he'd always call to say good bye, that he loved me, and when he'd be calling again. So that's a very difficult time for me. Weekend evenings aren't too bad because that's when his SO is home, and heck, no one would want to be around her! lol Anyway, there's times when it's really bad, and time when it's 'liveable'.


I don't want to get out of my marriage. He's a wonderful man, and he loves me so much, I couldn't possibly hurt him like that (let alone our kids). Isn't it sad/sick/selfish/etc. to say "I wouldn't want to hurt him like that" when I'm doing what I'm doing??? How very selfish of me! It's also sad that, even though I say that, it doesn't stop me from dying inside because my AP hasn't and won't call! I never, EVER thought I would do something like this!!


I want to thank you both as well, for saying he sounds like a wacko! Because that's totally correct!! I could write and write about all the things he's NOT, but yet I can't let go! He's not attractive (tho he thinks he is), he's over weight (tho he thinks he's not-it's all muscle! he says! lolol) he's the biggest narcissist (I believe that's what they call it when one is stuck on oneself), his ego is sickening, he never does anything wrong, and the arriving? OMG! The things and issues he 'helps' his children with, I could never imagine talking with my father about!! He's got to be in all their garbage, and control it so he looks like the 'Savior'.


I like the way (I know that sounds bad, but I hope you understand) that you guys tell me you can't really say what to do as you're going through it too. Because knowing I'm not alone actually gives me some strength! Misery loves company as they say!


Another very VERY selfish thing....a program friend of mine lost her husband to suicide this past Friday. Our secretary called to tell me, and after we talked about it, I told her about my AP not calling me anymore. It's great because she's gone through it, and still does at times, and she knows all about my situation. Anyway, I started sobbing while I was telling her about it of course, but the selfish beyond selfish part of it is, I was and am able to USE (is that sick or what???) her situation to explain why I've been crying to my husband! I'm so embarrassed to admit that but it's true! Holy cow, am I sick or what???


Thank you both for being here for me! And if I can ever be an ear for you, I'm usually very good at helping others, just not myself!


Hugs and God Bless!


ps I'm still praying that he calls me!!

Sorry so long!
Dana
Sorry so long!
Dana
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Thu, 09-17-2009 - 10:04pm

Hello,


I hope you are doing ok. Have you heard from AP? I know how you feel when you say some days you are past being devastated and other times it's not so bad. The emotions we go through in these situations