Please read my story and offer advice
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| Wed, 10-15-2003 - 11:06am |
2003
April: Met 25 year old single woman while I was playing in a top-40 band (I am 42, married, a broadcast professional by trade)...instant attraction; she is brilliant, I love her looks, her wit, everything. We meet 2-3 more times through the month of June...
June 28: Another band gig, I talk with her all night, ask her to kiss me. I confirm that I am married, she says we can't see each other, but I give her my contact info anyway.
July: She sends hi message on email. I suggest meeting for drink. She says yes; I call back an hour later to say no, it would be wrong. She says it would be OK, we eventually meet.
July, Aug, Sept: we date -- dinners, movies, etc. She lives witih parents who don't approve of me (even though they know I am separating). No sex for first 6 weeks of relationship -- just dating. I tell her I love her, but it takes were a month for her to say same. Well, I seperate from wife in Sept., and eventually girlfriend says I can move into her new Apt with her in Oct. But she twice backs off of that promise, saying she was forced into it.
Oct. Now she says she was forced to quickly into everything, and has guilt, worry about age difference, and the arguments we had (which were about loving together, and her folks not wanting me around for the most part). She says she wonders if we'll last 3 weeks or 3 months and now wants to slow things down to be friends -- no hand holding, etc. .
Last weekend: let me come to parents house when they were away, 2 nights of passionate lovemaking! Says we can continue but as slower pace, and agreeing not to be 'exclusive', even though there is no one she wants to date now.
What gives?

I think she's in safe mode - keeping one foot ashore so to speak...afraid to take a leap. That is a big age difference and although age doesnt matter she is probably freaking out about alot of things that age difference will affect in the long term. At 25 years old she's just starting to experience all of things that are "been there, done that" to you. Things that you know NOW dont even matter but to her are critical life experiences etc.
Also, I'm sure being so young and still somewhat dependent on her folks instills some fear and doubts in her. Her parents are being critical of one of the first major adult decisions she's probably made. That alone will cause her to start doubting herself and her decisions.
She's young enough to want to rebel but mature enough now to see the reality in her parents wisdom and guidance.
Hang in there and understand you cant make her move faster and if you want to be with this girl you need to sit back, relax and just enjoy the roller coaster ride...
Liberal
Hi tonyshep,
I'd probably have to agree with Liberal on this one... she may also have had her parents fears instilled in her as well.
She is their daughter and they only want to best for her... and you can imagine that they probably weren't thinking of someone so much older than her and also just out of
Sweet
Co-Community Leader My
I feel like a fool sometimes, being 42 and the at total mercy of a 25 year old -- but I know I can't back away, so ride the coaster I will ;-)
I agree with the other post on here. I was in her shoes once. I got married young and had a child at 20. I was in love with a MM though - he was a little older 9yrs my parents knew I was head over heals with him but he was married. They did not approve of that. I am very close to my parents and respected that so I married someone else for the wrong reasons. I got divorced by 22 by then my son was 2. I met an older guy I was 23 he was 38 - a 15yrs difference. I did not give myself time he loved my son and I moved in with him...that was kind of my biggest mistake. I told myself age did not matter - but I think that was a big factor. He was a fun outgoing guy loved to dance and things. We were just a two different periods in our lifes. My parents did not approve of him becuase of his age but were happy to the fact that he was not married. I dont know ur OW but seems to me she is scared and really scared. She is young and still needs to see whats out there. I am 28 and still feel that way. I left my older guy last year - it was not cool but I was honest with him and told him the age difference was too much and he was a very nice person - basically saw him as a father figure. I felt and I told him he needed someone around his age that had the same interest..I did not want to obligate him to do things I wanted to do.
Basically what I guess I kinda want to say is - you seem like a very nice man - dont stop your life becuase this woman is not ready for you. I wish you the best. It just does not seem right she gives you the green light...red light and yellow light at her convenience. That would be hard for the feelings to handle.
TAKE CARE AND I WISH U THE BEST.
-Sandy
Here is my advice (remember, you asked). Please remember that I don't know you, or her, so you can take what seems useful and what might apply in your case, and dump the rest. But I think it is a good thing to hear perspectives from other people who aren't involved in your situation, so I'm glad you are open to that.
She is too young to know what she wants. At 25 (a decade and a half ago), I was an entirely different person than I am now, in terms of what I wanted and needed out of life. She's not ready to be tied down to you, and probably not to anyone else either. But certainly not to you -- someone who is a good deal older and wiser, and fresh out of a marriage. No wonder she didn't follow through. She simply didn't have the maturity and life experience to preconceive what was actually going to happen as your relationship progressed, and the impact it would have on her and on you. She wasn't thinking that far ahead, or that clearly.
And you? I think there is a good chance that you are incredibly infatuated with this woman. Which is a whole lot different than building a 'forever' life with them, and it's a whole lot different than the kind of 'forever' love you promise someone as a spouse.
She is telling you in multiple ways that she is not ready. Your best bet is to back off, don't push her, let her grow up and experience more of life, and move on with yours. Because if you don't, I can't foresee her being happy long-term in a marriage or committed relationship with you, and that's bad news for both of you in the long run.