Please tell me I did the right thing

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2008
Please tell me I did the right thing
9
Sat, 09-06-2008 - 2:14pm
I ended my EA 3 weeks ago, said my AP that I can't do this anymore, its too painful to know he belongs to someone else and never will be mine. He was contacting me whole next week, asking to meet him, asking to talk, I refused, so finally things started cooling off. 2 weeks later, I crushed. I am so depressed, missing him like hell, pain became unbearable. I texted him, he is cold and distant. I can't stop crying. I asked him yesterday to meet me today because I am so stressed out I can hardly breathe, he said ok...Its 2pm today, and I haven't even heard from him. I guess, this is really it, this is how much he loves and cares for me. I just feel humiliated for even going back and asking him to see me, when I said already we should not be seeing each other anymore.
Please tell me I did the right thing. he is M. He is rich too, I thought it will be easy for him to leave, since he chased me like a madman and has the money to do whatever he wants. I am recently separated with my husband because my A showed me how much I was missing in my M.
Now what? I am crying and hurting like hell. I feel like my life is totally ruined.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
Sat, 09-06-2008 - 3:10pm
I am sorry you are hurting, with time the pain will become less, this is the right thing, you are better than this, we all are.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Sat, 09-06-2008 - 3:14pm

Hi vivaciousgirl,


I'm so sorry you are going through this. Your story reminds me so much of mine. I was married for 25 years when AP/BF hit on my one night. We had one conversation regarding this and I fell deeply in love with him (long story and I know that sounds bizarre but it's what happened).


My AP/BF also showed me what I was missing in my M and, true to form, we had a d-day (my third one if you can believe it). I decided that rather than try and deny or, beg and plead for my H to forgive me, I was done. How could I stay married when I was so crazy in love with this other guy? I couldn't do it anymore and my H is the one that moved out. He actually left the province because he couldn't face seeing me, seeing us, day after day. In November I will have been separated for one year and I can't tell you how bloody odd that feels!


I feel exactly like you...it's very painful at times to realize that he belongs to someone else and will never be mine. Especially when I know how much he loves me. Our R is heating up quite a bit lately and as much as I try not to...I can't help but think/hope that he's realizing how much I mean to him, and

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2008
Sat, 09-06-2008 - 4:33pm

Sending you a very big hug...(((((vivaciousgirl))))).


You did the right thing, my dear.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2008
Sat, 09-06-2008 - 5:26pm
He just send me an email. Not a word in it, just picture of him attached (we were exchanging vacation pictures last few days). I saw him last Wednesday, he said he misses me all the time. Now I asked him to meet me, after basically not seeing each other for 3 weeks, and he won't even say a word. I guess he wants to continue on his terms and wants me to start chasing him, which takes responsibility for any decisions off him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2006
Sat, 09-13-2008 - 1:41am
The real issue is if YOU think you did the right thing. If you are feeling lonely and missing him, that is to be expected. If you didn't care at all about him, it wouldn't matter to you that you stopped seeing him. Don't beat yourself up if you cave in and start seeing him again,either. It is common to have a few "endings", before the real/final one.At least you are sending photos , even if you're not hearing from him otherwise, and maybe neither of you is really ready to meet in person. And what would that accomplish anyway? You'd both probably feel bad and nothing would be accomplished. Think of this as a timeout and get your bearings.If you do decide at some point to meet to talk, at least then you'll know what you want to say.Good luck, whatever happens.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2008
Sat, 09-13-2008 - 11:54am
Thank you guys, you are so wonderful and so supportive. We met yesterday after not seeing each other for almost a month, went out for nice dinner...I guess, we are back together...he said he loves me, he missed me all that time. We had a really nice time together, and it was a bit different then before, I'm not sure what has changed though, but things are slightly different. He was openly affectionate in a restaurant, and before he wouldn't even hold my hand, pretending it's business, in case somebody will see us together.
Now what...I'm back to square one. Got a text from him early morning - "just woke up, thinking of you, love you"...
This is so hard.
My husband wants us to get back together, and I can't even think about it. Now what do I do...
My A is not even PA. I am afraid to make it PA, I think it will hurt me even more. Without it being PA, he may never make any decisions, but what if it will become a PA and he'll be happy to keep things that way?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2008
Sat, 09-13-2008 - 5:15pm

Hi V...

Most likely if it becomes a PA he will have gotten everything he wants and he won't *need* to make any decisions. Of course none of us can know your AP like you do but from what you've said he doesn't sould like he's going to leave?

So really it's about protecting yourself; you're in a vulnerable place because of your marriage split, try to avoid getting things really messed up. Enjoy having smeone to tak to and affection but you sound a little afraid of it becoming a PA so it's probably not right for you, right now

D xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2008
Sun, 09-14-2008 - 10:06am
When I separated with my husband, I asked AP if he eventually plans to do the same, he said he does not see himself staying in his M forever, but cannot give me an exact date. Usual excuse of kids...but his kids are teenagers, not like they need him that much anymore. I thanked him for his honesty, at least he is not giving me empty promises.
But now, I just don't know. Since seeing him last time on Friday, things are heating up, he texted me yesterday, called twice, sent an email saying he loves me and cherishes every moment we spend together. I just don't know. Maybe a month of cool off and low contact made him realize how much I mean to him.
I woke up this morning and started crying. I start to believe he really does love me. But where it takes me? Will I be one of those frustrated unhappy women, waiting for years and ending up with broken heart anyway? I feel for all of you, stuck in the same situation, and thank you for all your kind words and support. I can't confide in my friends any of that, which makes it so much harder.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2008
Sun, 09-14-2008 - 2:39pm

Well, you got plenty of friends here, and we don't mind if you post all day and all night, as long as you do what you need to do :)

Some time ago someone told me that if a guy doesn't leave his M in the first 6 months of an affair, then he's extremely unlikely to leave - things reach a status quo and guys like to follow the easiest path. Course, my pal told me about 6 years and 6 months too late!

It's just something to bear in mind

D xx
(many years down the line, one of those frustrated women!)




Edited 9/14/2008 2:43 pm ET by darkpools