Please tell me what I need to hear
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| Mon, 08-25-2003 - 11:57pm |
I have not posted in a good while.
Restatement of facts: I am MM. She is MW. Both in unhappy M's. EMA was never meant to happen but it did. Been at this for 6 months.
A month or so ago, we both tried to break it off. We thougt it was not sane for either of us to continue knowing we'd both be hurt or more screwed up in the end. It began and always has been more emotional than physical. So the fact that there is real love just makes it harder. (That's right, we've both used the dreaded L-word.)
Just found out she's several weeks pregnant. We KNOW its NOT mine. Basic math and biology can confirm that. Trouble is, we BOTH know (or so I thought) that she was not ready to have kids. Her H is the driving force (pardon the pun) behind this as he feels that they cannot be happy without kids. She has claimed she was not ready, instead wanting to wait several years.
Obviously, she is of two minds on this. I beleive she has been honest with me in stating that the kid thing and her reluctance has been a major part of their problems. I fear she is yeilding to him on this issue just to keep him happy. On the other hand, perhaps she has not been honest with me.
Either way, the pregnancy and their relationship is none of my business. I will admit to that.
My problem is how to end this thing or come to terms with it. I do not want to further complicate my life and hers by trying maintain this relationship knowing that she is off towards a whole new life with children. Yet we both have incredibly intense feelings for eachother.
It took her several weeks just to even tell me of her pregnancy, so I know she is torn. I have no real idea what she wants from me, if anything.
So give it to me straight gals. She and I should really break this thing off, right?
It seems to me that she has made a pretty clear choice, whether willingly or not. Am I missing anything?
My thinking is that I have just got to let go, however painful, and allow her to live her life.
Please let me know your thoughts.

I'm sorry to see you back in not so good circumstances... but I guess all in all... that's what we are all about here... and I hope that somewhere you'll find something that will get you through all this.
I guess I should say what is the best thing for all involved... let her go so that you can get on with your lives... but is that what you want to hear?? need to hear?? I think that you need to talk in through and see what you both still need and want from the relationship.
I'm going to put a little point forward here... and please don't take in wrongly... but I do wonder that she has told you she didn't want children in order to make you feel better... and the reason she found it so hard to tell you was for fear that you may walk away from her. Why I'm saying this... as I've sort of been there and done that.
I had been involved in my EMA for going on two years when I finally fell pregnant the second time... there was no doubt whose it was... DH's... we had been trying for another and in all that time I simply told MM that we had to use protection... but! I did not tell him why. When I fell pregnant... my whole fear was of telling MM... I had already made up my mind regardless of my pregnancy that I didn't want to end it... and therefore I had to let the decision rest with him. I had nothing to fear... and to my surprise when after I told him the decision was his to make... he said it was ours to make.
My DD is now 1 year old... and I feel that through all that... MM and I have a deep connection. It was something we faced together and come through together.
I can not say that things will go the same way for you... I'm simply saying that the pregnancy doesn't mean the be all and end all... and although you may not want to hear it... it may also make things good in the marriage too.
What you both need to decide though... is if you handle it... knowing that the child will change her in many ways and that her time for you will now be taken up with someone else and you will have to give her that. I hope that you understand what I'm trying to say.
I don't know that I've helped much... but I do emphasize that you don't make that decision to stay or go without talking it through with her.
good luck and do let us know how things go.
luv and hugs
Sweet
Sweet
Co-Community Leader My
I'm not going to say what I think you want to hear. For one thing, that is for you and her to decide. For another, I look at it differently.
"It seems to me that she has made a pretty clear choice, whether willingly or not. Am I missing anything?" What *is* her choice now that she is pregnant? What has she *said* - that she wants to continue, or not?
Yes, she is going to be a mother, and will change and have less time. But, for the very fact that she will be giving so much of herself and growing in another way, I think she would do well to keep a part of her "old" self (not loose herself completely down this new path). Whether remaining in a relationship with you as part of her "old" self is healthy for her is for her to learn/know...she may have no idea what she wants right now - for the heart emotions for you, and the chemical emotions due to being pregnant.
"My thinking is that I have just got to let go, however painful, and allow her to live her life." My thinking is that you should allow her time and her own decision - as you said, her life. Is there a rush on your part? I doubt you will endure less pain now then in the future should she decide she doesn't want to continue...if you can maintain in the interim.
I'm sorry, Insane, if it seems I am supporting MW more than you - but I am looking at the bigger picture (as well as I can from your post). I support you in that I want you to be happy - and since you stated, "My problem is how to end this thing or come to terms with it." - it sounds to me as though you don't really want to end the relationship.
Once you know what her decision is, then you can worry on how to end it or come to terms with it. I'm not saying to stay in limbo forever though - you must do for you what will ensure your happiness and peace of mind.
Be sure to keep us posted! Best of luck,
Meow
I guess I'm confused as to... Did the two of you at one time or another ever talk about ending up with each other? and now this whole preganacy throws a big wrench in that ever happening for the two of you...?
Good Luck to ya...
let her go. she's made her choice to stay with H and have this child. you must move on and find happiness elsewhere. don't beat yourself up about it.
love will find you again, i promise. just be open to it. you can't be if you're pining for someone you can't have.
good luck MM and take care,
gurl
It's not easy, I know, I can't fathom the day when my A will end. Good luck to you!