Pondering

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2008
Pondering
13
Sat, 08-23-2008 - 8:37pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2007
In reply to: prettidoes2008
Sat, 08-23-2008 - 8:47pm

Sweetie, sounds like this is not hypothetical. There is lots of pain in your post. As I recall, you are the single one, correct?
Deciding that the A isn't going anywhere will hurt no matter what. The MM or MW will be left with the realization that they must make one more decision than the S one, either leave their M or work on it. Perhaps it's easier for them to blame the other person as to being in their current situation, lost their AP and has a poor M staring them in the face.

I am close to being in the same situation. I am the S (divorcing) one, not sure what AP will do, or if it's even the best thing that we end up together long term, regardless of how strong the connection. It's hard to think about how things will end. Good luck to you, if you know in your heart that being apart is the best thing, just hang on to that. Your AP is hurting, maybe he didn't think you "really" meant it. Maybe he hopes you'll come back, maybe just saying it's all your fault is the only way he can stop the pain.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2008
In reply to: prettidoes2008
Sat, 08-23-2008 - 10:11pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
In reply to: prettidoes2008
Sat, 08-23-2008 - 11:05pm

"if the MM or MW truly loves the single OW or OM, they should carry the burden of 'I lost this because I am married!" Yes, absolutely, they should! That was their choice, they should take the responsibility for it. It is very immature of him to blame you that you took care of yourself and want your life to go on like it should. You don't owe him anything.

"Are the MM or MW out there all cake-eaters even the ones who seem to be really geniune?"
Honestly, I think they are. Those who are not work on their marriages first, before they get involved with someone new, and if it happens that they got involved and fell in love, they leave their marriages pretty quickly - or stop the affair very soon, if not before it starts.

Good for you that you've made a decision, I can imagine how painfully hard it must be for you to let someone go for whom you feel such a great love. Yet, as harsh as it may sound, I think if he truly loved you, nothing would stop him from being with you. He knows your needs, and he knows that being OW hurts you, he should put no blame on you that you've decided to go, he should know that you deserve better. Take good care of yourself and good luck with your single guy!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2008
In reply to: prettidoes2008
Sat, 08-23-2008 - 11:58pm
i find myself in a similar position..one foot out the door of my marriage of many many yrs...crazy about my AP...adore him....but our lives are so different--my family is grown he married late and has young children....never discuss leaving--'kids change everything' is all he says...yet he has teared up discussing where he is in his life...more then once.
so..enter soon to be single new male friend...understanding, a great listener..a friend...who has made it clear he would like to be there if/when i decide to end my marriage....he has alot to offer-smart, same interests ....but he isnt AP, who isn't mine...ughhhhhh.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2008
In reply to: prettidoes2008
Sun, 08-24-2008 - 2:23am

Eternal,


Your last statement about how AP not being yours has come out of my mouth more than once.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2008
In reply to: prettidoes2008
Sun, 08-24-2008 - 6:56am
sounds like a subtle troll
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007
In reply to: prettidoes2008
Sun, 08-24-2008 - 9:50am

nygirl824,

It seems you are the only troll left on the board who needs to go! I read your post to singleguy2008 as well in which you have made unwarranted comments . I highly suggest that you delete that post or stop trolling around !

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2008
In reply to: prettidoes2008
Sun, 08-24-2008 - 10:05am
thanks for having my back girl!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2008
In reply to: prettidoes2008
Sun, 08-24-2008 - 11:26am
Thank

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2007
In reply to: prettidoes2008
Sun, 08-24-2008 - 11:43am

LMAO. I cannot believe someone would call either you or Eternal a troll (not sure who it was directed at). You've both been around long enough that we all have your backs, girls. Hmmm....ya know what, maybe that TgrBabe chick is a troll, too. Something about her just ain't right. Lol.


Pretti - you are making a tough, but IMO good, choice. I would say that not all MM/MW are cake eaters but yes, as was already said, those who are not make the decision to leave at some point...except those who cannot. I know, I know, its easy to say "just leave" and there are people on this board who have given up, or lost, a great deal to do just that, so they may not see why others cannot do the same. But we aren't all blessed with the same support systems or circumstances, so not everyone can leave.


Anyway, getting a little OT. I don't think they are all cake eaters but I also agree that if someone loves you enough, they will figure out a way for you to be together. It may not be right away but they will do it somehow. So, for you, only time will tell. Your MM may knock on your door someday with D papers in hand. He might not.


But as to why he is lashing out at you? two thoughts come to mind. (1) because it is easier for him to blame someone else than to blame himself for not being available and free to be with you; (2) because he thought you were bluffing. Both reasons have already been mentioned, and I think both are pretty likely.


Focus on S guy. MM will either become S guy too, and want to win you back, or he will return to his miserable M life and wonder what-if for the rest of his days. His loss, sweetie.

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