Pondering an Affair... Need advice!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2003
Pondering an Affair... Need advice!!!!
2
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 8:25pm
I am 34 years old, married for 6 years, one beautiful daughter (2 years old). My marriage, to say the least, is horrible. Has been for quite some time; I'd been hoping things will get better for the sake of my daughter. My husband is quick-tempered, moody, self-centered, etc. etc. He gives me absolutely no affection, and could care less about my feelings. I could go on and on, but the bottom line is, if I didn't have my daughter, I would have left him by now. I am, by nature, a traditionalist, and never ever pictured myself getting a divoce, never mind contemplating an affair.

Which leads me to this situation: a new co-worker (I'll call him Tim) arrived almost a year ago. He's married, 41, and has 3 kids. We hit it off right away, similar quirky personalities. I never ever thought any more of our relationship until recently. This is what happened:

Tim called me into his office, and told me he had bought me a coffee (as he typically does). His office mates were not around. He was telling me he was leaving for vacation with his wife (whom I've met once), her sister, and his 3 kids the next morning. I told him I hoped he had a wonderful time. Somehow we got on the conversation of what his officemates thought. He told me one of them had called him at home recently and asked how me and his wife got along at a dinner party recently. I said that was a weird thing to ask. Tim said it's because his friend thought we were having an affair. Believe me, I was absolutely shocked. I don't even think I said anything (I mean, we certainly were not having an affair!). Tim went on to say something like "Well, you know, I like you more than a friend." I can't remember if I said anything, because I was in complete shock. I do remember getting up to leave his office, and he got up as well, hugged me, and left for vacation.

All this happened last Thursday; he's due back in the office this coming Monday. His words of liking me more than a friend have been playing in my mind for a long time. I mean, I guess I never really contemplated my feelings for him, but once I confronted my feelings, I think I am sort-of attracted to him. I mean, he gives me attention that I don't get at home. BUT, he has kids and I have a daughter. I can't imagine losing her over all this. Never mind hurting his wife and kids...

HELP! What do I do? Does anyone think I'm interpreting his words wrong, that he doesn't want to start something with me? I kind of felt he was feeling around to see how I would react. I really need your feedback. Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2003
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 9:03pm
Your entire picture you just painted is me alittle over ten years ago. Read the message I just posted to get an update on the path I chose. It's not a road I'd choose if I had to do it all over again. But I do know I found the man of my life and he treats me well.

My husband sounds a lot like yours, but if I had to do it again I would have left him long ago. I know it's easier said then done, but now I look back and think..What a wasted life! I'm 42 now still seeing the same married man (yes, we work together too) and hopefully some day we will have a life together, just the two of us. But it has had its heartache over the years and when we did try to stop seeing each other a couple times, it made work very uncomfortable. I can't tell you what you should do other than do some real hard thinking before you make a move. Good luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Wed, 10-22-2003 - 8:55am
The previous poster said you sounded like her ten years ago...but something in your post reminded me of me five months ago. I have a fantastic husband who treats me like a queen but for most of our marriage, I'd pretty much taken him for granted. Meanwhile I'd worked with this guy who I thought was just a typical slimy male. Always looking at women, flirting with them. I knew he thought I was attractive, but he thought a lot of women were attractive (although not many around here!) so it didn't seem like a big deal. Then last spring he started really laying it on thick. He literally went from one day lightly flirting with me to the next day acting like I was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. He started telling me he couldn't stop thinking about me and that he was developing deep, deep feelings for me. I wasn't even ATTRACTED to this guy. Never had even considered him attractive. But I loved the attention and, I guess it's codependency or something but I felt the need to give something back. I felt guilty that here he was, giving me all this attention and desire and I was just sitting here like a lump on a log, taking it in but not returning it. So I started forcing myself to fantasize about him and, you know what? It worked. Soon I'd convinced myself I was attracted to him and, soon after that, that I was in LOVE with him. I started believing my marriage was bad when it wasn't, started thinking about leaving H and spending the rest of my life with this guy. After about two months of attention, MM started feeling guilty. I guess his wife was really making things good at home or something; I don't know. I went through a VERY PAINFUL few weeks. He'd pull away, then come back, then pull away, then come back. Remember, in all this time we'd never done anything more than hug and maybe touch flirtatiously every now and then. Nothing more than friendship. After he went through this phase, he came at me again, wanting to kiss me. I resisted at first...after all, that's a big step. I finally gave in and we kissed a few times over the course of a week before the guilt kicked in and he REALLY pulled away. Started avoiding me, not calling when he was supposed to, etc. I don't know what happened, but it was as though something kicked in and I realized I couldn't keep being jerked around like this. I threw myself at my marriage and forced myself to see MM not as this gorgeous hero I was going to spend the rest of my life with, but as an immoral redneck who will never be happy enough with one woman to stop looking to see what else is out there. I made tons of lists of all his faults and, oddly, all that seemed to work. We're still friends and we still flirt but I feel much more in control now. Last night I was trying to conjure a fantasy about him, for old time's sake, and I simply couldn't. I was in the hotel room, with nothing interrupting us, but even in my mind I didn't want to go through with it. All I could think of was the guilt I'd feel and the guilt he'd feel and how I really didn't want him. It's as if I still like the attention he gives me, but I don't want to participate anymore. I want HIM to want ME but I don't feel the same! The whole point of all this is, DON'T TALK YOURSELF INTO BEING ATTRACTED TO HIM. You don't owe him anything and you shouldn't feel obligated to reciprocate his attention. Believe me, there's going to come a time when you look back on this time in your life and wonder why you didn't resist. When he's treating you like crap, when he's not calling, when he's refusing to leave his wife for you and wanting to have his cake and eat it too... He's not going to look so enticing then, is he? I know the adventure is tempting and we all want to feel wanted and loved, but an affair is actually going to DAMAGE your self-esteem, possibly beyond all repair. You'd feel much better about yourself if you resisted getting involved with him. If you'd told me back last spring that MM would suddenly turn on me and leave me sitting by the phone, I wouldn't have believed you. He made me believe that he would never, ever hurt me. They all hurt us eventually, whether they mean to or not.